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Psychiatric Medication and My Mental Health Journey

Why do People Take Psychiatric Medication?

In my last post I stated that in a lot of people, certain areas of the brain are underactive or overactive. Despite positive thinking or a healthy lifestyle, they may not significantly change that. Medication or supplements can level the playing field and help their brains function optimally.

Usually, medication doesn’t completely solve the problem, but it helps a person manage their symptoms. See this article for real testimonials-  35 Reasons People Take Medication For Their Mental Health by Arianna Rebolini.

Are There Alternatives to Prescription Psychiatric Medication for Serious Mental Health Conditions?

First, some people don’t consider their situation “serious” because it is normal for them. It is what they grew up with and maybe saw in their parents, so they don’t see it as an issue.

Second, yes there are alternatives. Some people self-medicate with herbs, nootropics, neurotransmitter supplements, or other substances. I use herbs and neurotransmitter supplements but, I used to take prescription psychiatric medication as well. This should be done with your psychiatrist’s approval because some medications can react with supplements.

Also, some people only use coping strategies and lifestyle adjustments. These things made a HUGE difference for me some years back. See How the Lord Healed my Bipolar Disorder Part 1 (Physically) and Part 2 (Physchologically)

Myths or Fears About Psychiatric Medications

Most of my life I thought prescription psychiatric medications would:

  1. Dull my sensitivity to the Spirit
  2. Make me lose my real, unique personality  
  3. Damage my body
  4. Cause terrible side effects

Sensitivity to the Spirit and Psychiatric Medications

I have found that depression, anxiety, and other mental health conditions hinder feeling the Spirit, not medications taken as prescribed. Reyna Aburto said, “…if our pain blocks our ability to feel the love of our Heavenly Father and His Son and the influence of the Holy Ghost, then we may be suffering from depression, anxiety, or another emotional condition.”

Personality and Psychiatric Medications

Mental illness often causes people to act in ways that are not consistent with their true nature. You may think that those symptoms are character weaknesses or personality traits. But, the right medication can help a person be their best self without being held back or defined by their disabilities.

Physical Health and Psychiatric Medications

Everything we put into our bodies has to be processed by the liver.1 Some psychiatric medications are known to damage brain cells.2

There are also instances of certain pharmaceutical drugs being taken off the market because they were discovered to be unsafe, but this is relatively rare. Finally, there are risks associated with taking psychiatric medications long-term.3.

My response to all these concerns is that if a prescription medication can significantly improve quality of life, it may be an acceptable risk. We are exposed to all kinds of toxins every day. It is important for our health that we take the medications as prescribed and not abuse them. In addition, healthy food, sleep, and exercise can rejuvenate the body daily.

A positive mental attitude has been shown to have a significant effect on your immune system and hormone balance. Taking medications that improve your mood may be more beneficial than feeling negative emotions a majority of the time.4

Side Effects of Psychiatric Medications

Not all people experience the same side effects to the same medication. If you test a medication for a few weeks, you can see how you react to it. Then, you can weigh your alternatives and decide if taking the medication is worth the side effects that may go with it. Here is a list of common side effects for some psychiatric medications.

When to Consider Taking Prescription Medication?

In my opinion (I am not a doctor), I think it is a good idea to get some medication when:

  1. You can’t feel happy at least 80% of the time no matter what you try.
  2. Your mental/emotional health inhibits your ability to fulfill your responsibilities or function in daily tasks.5
  3. Your mental health damages or lessens your relationships with others.

Don’t Judge or Be Fearful of Being Judged

You are the only person who can choose what is best for you. There is no shame in getting professional help for your brain or in choosing to go another route. Neither is there shame in choosing to approach mental illness from an all-natural approach.

In addition, if you feel like you’ve got it all figured out and are managing your symptoms wonderfully, please don’t judge those who are still be struggling and may seem to not be doing anything about it.

My Recent Mental Health Journey

I used to deal with depression and was diagnosed with bipolar when I was 19. (Looking back I think this diagnosis was incorrect and I will go into that below.)  About 6 years ago I changed my thought patterns, started exercising 3-5 times a week, and eating a lot less sugar.6 These physical changes along with new positive attitudes and beliefs made my depression completely go away! 7

While I was listening to the book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life I learned the symptoms of a wide variety of psychiatric disorders. I knew I had been healed of my depression/bi-polar. But, I saw that some of the character weaknesses I dealt with most of my life might actually be symptoms of a mental health condition. 

ADHD and Anxiety

I came to see that not only did my children and husband have ADHD, but I did too! (see my YouTube Channel – Amy Noel about my adventures with 5 Dyslexic and ADHD Sons). Another book by Dr.Amen, “Healing ADD Revised Edition: The Breakthrough Program that Allows You to See and Heal the 7 Types of ADD” taught me that I have an anxious type of ADHD.

I never thought I had anxiety because I didn’t have panic attacks or extremely irrational fears. Most of the other symptoms of anxiety are a part of what I used to call normal.8(digestive or gastrointestinal problems, such as gas, constipation, or diarrhea; weakness and lethargy; tense muscles; irritability; trouble falling asleep or staying asleep) These go right along with my other condition, PMDD (Premenstrual Dysphoric Disorder).

PMDD

Two weeks prior to menstruation I would feel stressed to the point that my body ached, I was fatigued, I had trouble sleeping, and an irrational temper. This problem gets far worse if I eat sugar. Due to its cyclic nature, this was misread as bi-polar in the past. The symptoms significantly increased recently as I approached 40 years old.

One day my eight-year-old son came up to me and after one look he said, “Mom, you are stressed aren’t you?”   It broke my heart because he wanted to talk to me, but he could see I was not emotionally available. At that moment I decided it was time to get some prescription medications.

Taking Medication and Supplements

My psychiatrist gave me an anti-anxiety ADHD medication, but I couldn’t handle the side effects. I felt sick and had headaches from it. I tried another medication for ADHD that made my anxiety worse. For a few months I took a fourth a dose of Concerta for ADHD and a neurotransmitter supplement, serotonin mood support, for my anxiety.

Then, I asked a friend from church what kinds of supplements she takes and she introduced me to some herbal tinctures for hormonal balance and for stress and mood.

I decided to give them a try and now I take them everyday. I feel so balanced and normal on them. It has improved my sleep as well. Sometimes I only take them once in the morning and use less than is recommended. Othert days I take just a little less than the full recommended amount three times a day depending on how I feel.

All of these efforts have really helped! I am able to parent and fulfill my other responsibilities with more consistency. I can be there emotionally for my children and my husband.  Overall, I feel much happier.

Healthy Lifestyle

On top of the psychiatric medications, I practice coping strategies and healthy habits. I try to eat lots of fruits and vegetables and avoid refined sugar. I am so sensitive to refined sugar that if I eat even one dessert, all of my psychiatric symptoms surge and my mouth breaks out with canker sores. So, if you know of any good sugar-free dessert recipes, let me know. 🙂

To Sum It All Up

  • Some brains are underactive or overactive in certain areas and psychiatric medications help to balance the brain or manage symptoms.
  • Alternatives to psychiatric medication include herbs, neurotransmitter supplements, and coping strategies.
  • Psychiatric Medication can Make it Easier to Feel the Spirit
  • Medication can Help A Person be Their Best Self
  • A Healthy Lifestyle is Important for Physical Health
  • Decide if Taking the Medication is Worth the Side Effects
  • Don’t Judge
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How Mental Health Affects Happiness

This post is part of the “OBSTACLEs to Love and Happiness” Series.

Lasting happiness and peace come from connecting with God, ourselves, and others.1 However, there is a physical — chemical and biological — side to happiness that is very significant.

Research shows that our long-term happiness generally is about 40% in our thoughts, 50% in our body, and 10% in our circumstances. 2

How Does our Body Affect our Mental Health?  

Without getting very scientific, our hormone levels, nutrient levels, and brain function all affect how we feel.  When the body is off in one of these areas our brain’s happy chemicals (dopamine, serotonin, and norepinephrine) may be lacking in production or in the effectiveness of how they are used.   This may be caused by genetics or environmental factors.

Nutrition and hormone levels have a lot to do with mood. Low iron or magnesium have been shown to cause a person to feel depressed and have memory trouble.3 An overactive thyroid can cause a person to feel anxious. Depression is a symptom of an underactive thyroid.4 Low levels of estrogen5 in women or testosterone6 in men can also cause mood changes such as depression and irritability. 

A lack of food or proper nutrient-dense food can result in depression and other mental illnesses.7  Even a lack of healthy bacteria in our gut is believed to impact on our mood.8

What Can We Do For Our Mental Health?

There is a lot we can do to improve our mental health. As with anything, I say council with the Lord, pray for His help, and take action.  Talking to doctors is very important and I would also suggest doing your own research. When I do research it gives me an idea of what to talk to my doctor about. “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free. (John 8:32) 

I highly recommend Dr. Daniel Amen’s book Change Your Brain, Change Your Life.  He has done thousands of brain scans on patients and has seen the direct correlation between certain disorders and certain parts of the brain.  Besides a wealth of knowledge on how the brain works and different disorders, Dr. Amen addresses the importance of nutrition and lifestyle in the book. 

Reading that book opened my mind to using prescription medications because Dr. Amen clearly explains the impact imbalances in the brain have and the real deficit some brains have without medication.   

Reyna I. Aburto said, “Our brains may suffer because of stress or staggering fatigue, which can sometimes be improved through adjustments in diet, sleep, and exercise. Other times, therapy or medication under the direction of trained professionals may also be needed.”9  

Different Solutions to Physical-Related Unhappiness

Eat Well and Take Supplements

Some supplements that are reported to help brain function include multi-vitamins10, Omega 3 Fatty-Acids11, and Probiotics12.

Dr. Amen recommends getting vitamin, cholesterol, and hormone levels checked with lab tests and then getting those numbers in the optimal range. Recently, I went to the doctor and got the lab tests available.

I was surprised to find that although I was within the normal range in most areas according to my doctor, I was below the optimal levels Dr.Amen recommends.  I raised my iron levels with a liquid iron supplement called Floradix and I have more energy and clarity of thought.

Sleep

Sleep and mental health are closely related.  If a person is already genetically prone to mental illness a lack of sleep can aggravate the condition.13  Our brains clean themselves with fluid when we sleep.14  If we can’t get a good night’s sleep on our own, it might be worth the health benefits to take a supplement such as melatonin or see a doctor and do research on the issue.

Exercise

Exercise produces feel-good chemicals in the brain.  It also improves our ability to sleep and handle stress.15

Improve Hormone Levels 

Hormones are very important to the functions of the body and your mood.16  Doctors and endocrinologists can assist here.  I also recommend doing personal research on practices and supplements for healthy hormones.  I have a friend that drinks a non-prescription hormone-balancing-liquid daily.

Take Nootropics/Neurotransmitter Supplements

Nootropics are natural or synthetic substances that can be taken to improve mental performance. This can be done as an alternative to prescription medications or in combination with prescriptions as long as they don’t interfere with each other. 

Medical News Today suggests, “Before trying a supplement, ask a healthcare provider. Supplements can interact with medications and may be otherwise unsafe, especially for people with certain health conditions.  Health conditions that result from an imbalance of neurotransmitters often require treatment from a professional. See a doctor regularly to discuss physical and mental health concerns.”17

Take Prescription Medications

In a lot of people, certain areas of the brain are underactive or overactive. Despite positive thinking or a healthy lifestyle, they may not significantly change that. Medication or supplements can level the playing field and help their brains function optimally.

In my opinion (I am not a doctor), I think it is time to get some medication when:

  1. You can’t feel happy at least 80% of the time no matter what you try.
  2. Your mental/emotional health inhibits your ability to fulfill your responsibilities or function in daily tasks.18
  3. Your mental health damages or lessens your relationships with others.

I also like the reasons listed in this article-  35 Reasons People Take Medication For Their Mental Health by Arianna Rebolini.

Mental Health is Important for Happiness and Connecting with Others

If you can’t feel happy most of the time, it is going to be very hard to connect with God, your true-self, and others because:

  1. Mental Illness creates a need to attend to oneself more than normal in order to self-soothe.
  2. As the saying goes, “You can’t draw water from an empty well .” But, the well is low the majority of the time.
  3. When a person is in survival-mode most of the time (focused on getting by) they do not have time or energy for relationships and personal progress. But, these are the things that bring true joy.

As I said in “How to Be Happy”, when we have faith, hope, and love (for God, ourselves and others) the result is a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and continually increasing light of Christ in our lives.  Don’t let your chemical and biological ailments hold you back from all that.  

To Sum It All Up

  • 50% of our happiness depends on our physical bodies.
  • Hormones, nutrients, and brain function affect our mood.
  • Pray for help, do research, and seek professional help.
  • Some common solutions include: eat well, take nutritional supplements, sleep well, exercise, improve hormone levels, take neurotransmitter supplements, and take prescription medications.
  • Mental Health is important for connecting with others- the main source of lasting happiness.

Next week I will share more about prescription psychiatric medications and my own recent mental health journey.

References

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How To Prosper On A Low Income

prosper on a low income

The message of my post “How to Be Happy When You Are Poor” is that happiness does not come from money or circumstances but from positive beliefs, actions, and attitudes.  “How to Be Happy When You Are Poor” introduces the importance of budgeting, saving, and avoiding debt.  This post will detail financial practices that have helped our family prosper, even on a low income. 

Financial stability gives great peace of mind because basic needs for food, shelter, and clothing are not a concern.  When things needed to survive are there, your mind is free to think about what matters most (See Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs). Maybe more importantly, financial prosperity enables you to give to others. 

My Financial Background

My parents taught me money management at a young age.  As a young adult, I attended a few money management classes and studied a pamphlet called One For The Money.  I reviewed One For The Money periodically in my early marriage and did what it suggested.  A lot of what I will include here I learned from Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University which my dear friend let me borrow a few years back. (I actually lost one of the CDs! Sorry, Friend!) 

Key Practices To Prosper On A Low Income

  1. Pay an Honest Tithing
  2. Save $1,000 and Avoid or Snowball Debt
  3. Budget
  4. Council Together in Marriage
  5. Save 3-6 Months Income for Emergencies 
  6. Use Your Tax Return For Smart Financial Goals
  7. Invest
  8. Pay Off Your Home
2017

Pay an Honest Tithing

One For the Money says, “Successful financial management in every…home begins with the payment of an honest tithe. If our tithing and fast offerings are the first obligations met following the receipt of each paycheck, our commitment to this important gospel principle will be strengthened and the likelihood of financial mismanagement will be reduced. Paying tithing promptly to Him who does not come to check up each month will teach us and our children to be more honest with those physically closer at hand.”

I also believe that paying tithing invites God to bless us financially and spiritually.  In Malachi 3:10-11 the Lord explains it far better than I can, “Bring ye all the tithes into the storehouse, that there may be meat in mine house, and prove me now herewith, saith the Lord of hosts, if I will not open you the windows of heaven, and pour you out a blessing, that there shall not be room enough to receive it.  And I will rebuke the devourer for your sakes, and he shall not destroy the fruits of your ground; neither shall your vine cast her fruit before the time in the field, saith the Lord of hosts.”

Save $1,000 and Avoid or Snowball Debt

Dave Ramsey suggests you save $1,000 first. This helps you avoid further debt from unexpected expenses.  Save it in cash or a bank account that you can easily get to if needed.

This takes a lot of self-restraint and self-discipline. One for the Money has a couple of good sections about this: “learn to manage money before it manages you” and “LEARN SELF-DISCIPLINE AND SELF-RESTRAINT IN MONEY MATTERS”. 

When you are debt-free you can save and invest.  It allows you to actually make progress. To avoid debt, remember that you can be happy on very little (see “How to Be Happy When You Are Poor”).  For every purchase, assess whether it is a need or a want.  Also, make a budget so you know where the money is going. We will go into budgeting in detail in a minute. 

Another tip for avoiding debt is to remember the WWII slogan, “Use it up, wear it out, make it do or do without.” This slogan has helped me over the years.  The scripture, “Thou shalt be diligent in preserving what thou hast…” reiterates part of that slogan. (D&C 136:27)

Debt can be inevitable sometimes because of Sickness, death, accidents, etc. If you are in debt, it is wise to “snowball” your debt.  There are a worksheet and instructions for this in One for the Money.  

Budget

It takes a budget to be able to save money and avoid debt on a low-income.  Budgeting puts you in charge so that you tell your money where to go instead of being controlled by the money.  You know exactly what is going on in your accounts and aren’t surprised when the money is out.

The Budget Spreadsheet

I do my budget in a spreadsheet on Google Drive because it’s free and I can access it from my computer or phone.  I have made a Sample Budget that you can copy and customize if you would like to use it.  In the Sample Budget, there are several sheets. One is for the budget and I name it the dates of that pay period.

Each time we get paid I duplicate the last pay period sheet and then rename it the dates for the current pay period.  Then, I erase the details from the previous pay period that were copied. The first column under expenses, “Monthly Expenses”, usually stays the same.  I copy and paste the amount from “Actual Expenses” for the last pay period and paste it into “Spent Last Pay-Period”. Then I plan out the column “Expected This Pay Period.” 

I also list our Equity in our budget and update it every now and then.  Reviewing it can be encouraging when you are doing without things you’d like but can’t afford. Financial Goals are listed in the spreadsheet to review from time to time.  Goals can give you direction, perspective, and motivation to budget.

A sheet for a list of things you are Saving Up For helps prioritize spending and avoid impulse buying. I have found that I end up deleting things off my list after a while because they no longer seem important. 

The last sheet in the Sample Budget is “Annual Expenses/Lump Savings.” These are bills only paid once a year that you may forget about if they are not recorded. Lump Savings are things that, on a low-income, we might not be able to fit into the budget unless we put money aside for them (like family photos, birthdays, car repairs, etc). 

Steps For Doing a Budget on a Low Income

1. Record Income

I do this in the “Income” section of the spreadsheet

2.Pay Tithing and Fast Offerings
3.Plan Bills For that Pay Period

Look at the dates bills are due and see which ones fall in that pay period. Remember the annual bills or expenses you listed in “Annual Expenses/Lump Savings”. 

I like to plan on the spreadsheet as well as a paper printout from the self-reliance program (page 75 of the pdf personal-finances-na-eng.pdf). I like the print out because it is a simple version for just that pay period. But, I need the spreadsheet because it holds bill dates for the month, keeps a history of our budgets, and has other important information. I print this by selecting page 75 only.

4.Plan a Financial Cushion

This is an amount of money you leave in your account so that your balance never goes below that.  I started doing this because when I planned my budget out to $0, as Dave Ramsey suggests in Financial Peace University,  I ended up getting overdraft fees due to my own miscalculations, bills I forgot, or unexpected transactions. If you 

5.Plan Adjustable Expenses

Our adjustable expenses for food and allowances usually stay the same.  Any money left over we divided in half for “other” and “extra savings”.

Envelop System– I started withdrawing the money we had planned to spend for adjustable expenses and putting it into separate envelopes.  Paying with cash from the envelopes at the grocery store or Walmart helps me not go over budget. If I buy something online from one of the envelope categories, I deposit money from that envelope into the bank to cover it. 

6. Record Actual Amounts Spent as Bills Process and Purchases are Made

This needs to be done regularly.  Before I had kids I would check my bank account daily and record each transaction.  Now, I do it about once a week, as needed, or at least at the end of each pay period.  Cash spent from the envelop system doesn’t need to be recorded as separate transactions. 

7.Add totals at the end of the Pay Period in the Spreadsheet
8.Adjust Budget as Needed
2015

Council Together in Marriage

Usually, in a home, one person will be inclined to do the budget.  I have also heard of couples taking turns. Either way, whoever does the budget needs to show it to the other person and get their input.  It is everyone’s responsibility to be involved. Dave Ramsey says to make sure the person who didn’t do the budget makes some kind of change to it. 

Great communication helps with conversations about money. I highly recommend the book Crucial Conversations by Patterson, Grenny, McMillan, and Switzler.  That book might’ve saved our marriage because we liked each other a lot better after we started doing what it taught. It really helps people feel safe sharing their true thoughts and feelings. It also teaches people how to come up with ideas together that neither individual had in the first place. 

One year we had a meeting about what to do with our tax return. We started with a prayer. We both shared all of our thoughts and ended up changing what we had been doing in the past years and made some new savings goals that we both felt really good about.  

Save 3-6 Months Income for Emergencies 

After you have $1,000 and are out of debt, Dave Ramsey suggests saving 3-6 months of income for emergencies.  This gives you further peace of mind and freedom from debt.

Use Your Tax Return For Smart Financial Goals

If you are employed and on a low-income, you probably get a tax return.  For most people, their tax return means a spending spree. Only you and your spouse can assess what you really need.  A new car may be important for your situation. Pray about what to do with a large amount of money. Council together and maybe get advice from people that are wise with money.

I would advise putting it towards important financial goals like:

  1. $1,000 Emergency Fund
  2. Pay off Debt
  3. 3-6 month Emergency Savings
  4. Annual Expenses and Bills (like Christmas, Car Registration, Life Insurance Premiums, etc),
  5. Investing
  6. Mortgage Principal

Invest, Even On A Low Income

A lot of people on a low income don’t believe they have enough money to invest. However, who needs more help saving for retirement than people on a low income?

A 401K is a great opportunity if your employer offers it because they will generally match the money you invest 50-100%.  If you can’t get a 401K, a mutual fund or an IRA (which includes mutual funds) are low-risk investments with good returns.  

The average rate of increase for a Roth IRA is 7-10% a year. (see What is an Average Roth IRA Return? By Ashley Chorpenning.)  At that rate, if you invested $1,000 at age 18 it would grow to $24,046-$88,197 by the time you were 65 and able to withdraw the money tax-free. Compound interest is powerful.

I suggest opening your own Roth IRA or Mutual Fund as soon as you can after you are 18.  “The minimum initial investment for Vanguard Target Retirement Funds and Vanguard STAR Fund is $1,000.” (Open an IRA account in 3 Easy Steps by Vanguard)

Dave Ramsey suggests investing 15% of your income each year. On a low-income, we could only afford to do that if we invested almost our entire tax return. Otherwise, 15% was too large of an amount for us to invest and also meet our monthly expenses.  But, we automatically transfer some money to our investments each month.

Pay off Home

Your rent or mortgage should not exceed 20% of your income. So, purchase a house that is reasonable for your income.

You can take years off your mortgage by paying extra money towards the principal early on.  When it is paid off it will be like getting a raise because the money you usually spend on your mortgage payment can go towards something else. 

Our Home in 2008

Money is to Help God’s Work On the Earth

When we are self-reliant we can help others.  My goal for prosperity is to have what I need and to relieve suffering in the world.  This doesn’t mean I will never go on vacation or improve my lifestyle, but I want to keep in mind people in Africa, India, etc so my lifestyle is not extravagant compared to them (too late 😕). 

I want to council with the Lord and live by the Spirit regarding money matters (and everything else) so that I can provide well for my children, enjoy my life, and at the same time help as many people as possible.

When we follow sound financial principles we can have financial freedom and prosper even on a low-income.

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Obstacles to Love and Happiness

This is the conclusion of the “How to Be Happy” series and the beginning of a new series.

Obstacles to love are things that take away from our otherwise happy relationships. They are also things that negatively affect our ability to have connection and/or emotional intimacy (with God, ourselves, and others) in the first place. 

I seem like a very happy person and I am most of the time.  It is part of my personality. Nobody is happy 100% of the time, but I think 80% of the time is a realistic expectation. Although I am very happy, I struggled to overcome depression, chronic stress, and other mental, emotional and relationship issues.  There have been prolonged periods of my life when I was miserable about 40-50% of the time.

Keith and me. 2008

I started studying happiness 6 years ago because everything I was trying still left me wanting.  I was living the gospel which is “the most important step you can take in finding greater joy and happiness.” (The Hunt for Happiness by David Dickson, Ensign 2019) So why was I still struggling to enjoy life and be happy at home? 

I have a lot to learn, but I want to share what I can up to this point.

In the previous four posts of this “How To Be Happy” series I suggest that when the focus of our lives is on having faith, hope, and love (for God, ourselves and others) the result is a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and continually increasing light of Christ in our lives. I suggest that these things are necessary for happiness.  I am talking lasting happiness as opposed to bursts of happy. This conclusion was based on the “Rat Park” study, many books I have read, and Gospel teachings.  (see How To Be Happy – Part 1)  

However, if you are trying to have faith, hope, and love God, yourself and others… if you are trying to have a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure, attachment, etc. but you still don’t feel happy at least 80% of the time— THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.  

  • Jeff and me. 2019
  • Jacob and Me. 2019

Here are things that block us from happiness when what we are doing would normally bring us happiness.  I address these topics in a new series called “Obstacles to Love”.

  1. Chemical and Biological Imbalances/Mental Health
  2. Enmity
  3. Stress
  4. Lack of Faith or Trust  
  5. Poor Boundaries
  6. Poor Communication
  7. Negativity and Limiting Beliefs
  8. Distractions and Out of Balance Priorities

We Need Grace to Overcome Love Obstacles

To overcome love obstacles we need our Savior, Jesus Christ. All of our efforts are a drop in the ocean compared to what God does for us. Joining with God in a partnership brings daily miracles in our lives.

Photo by  BrendelSignature at English Wikipedia see license

In the Book of Mormon, when Nephi’s family was starving in the wilderness he asked for God’s help in prayer and then he made a bow and arrow out of wood. (1 Nephi 16:23).

God wants us to ask for His help and continually seek him as we “go and do.” (1 Nephi 3:7) He will inspire us, lead us, and empower us to overcome love obstacles. We might not overcome all our obstacles 100%. But, we can expect to change with God’s help so that we can be happy.

Michael and me. 2019
  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy
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How To Be Happy – Part 4, Love Others

Happiness depends on a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and increased light of Christ. These are all found in faith, hope, and loving God, ourselves and others.  In this blog, we will look at how faith and hope in others and loving others brings happiness.

Faith and Hope in Others

Faith in Christ leads to salvation. Further, because of our faith in Christ, we can have faith in others. We can believe that they can overcome challenges with His grace. We can have the assurance (hope) that God is helping all His children in His wisdom and love. He doesn’t go against anyone’s will, but He always watches over us. We can hope that in God’s way and time other’s capacities to love, learn, and believe will increase.

Loving Others Increases Our Intelligence (Light)

You will develop socially and have many adventures as you love others. As mentioned earlier, our social life also correlates with our cognitive, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical growth. Some of this happens as we participate in group sports, arts and cultural activities done with others, organized religion, and formal education classes. We can also learn to regulate emotions through interactions with others.

Let’s look at some specific social relationships and how they help us be fulfilled and happy.

Marriage

Marriage is a unique catalyst for growth.  If my husband or I are unhappy in our relationship it indicates a need for change. Marriage, like nothing else, refines a person.

What happens as we work out problem after problem and forgive one another? We become more whole as individuals and our capacity for happiness grows. In addition, working out our problems makes us closer.

Marriage is also unique in its ability to provide attachment and belonging. I address some of these issues in “How to have Unity with Your Spouse and Children” and “Tips for a Great Sex Life“. (The last-mentioned post is only for adults).

Relatives

Our nuclear and extended families are very important to our social and cultural life, pleasure, growth, belonging, identity, and attachment. See my post How to have Unity with Your Spouse and Children.  We feel joy when we spend time together, worship, study together, and talk.  If we don’t live together, we can plan reunions, visit one another, and talk through modern technology regularly.  Studying our family history on top of all this can give us a sense of identity, culture, and heritage— like a foundation.

  • Nuclear Family
  • Sibling Bonding

In March my parents took us to Texas to visit my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandfather that is still living.  When we returned, my kid’s teachers and I noticed how happy and well behaved the boys were. They asked what we had done over Spring Break. I wondered what it was about the trip that had impacted them.  I believe it was the stimulation and adventure as well as the time they spent connecting with extended family.

  • Time with my Cousins and Grammy.
  • The boys with Poppy (Their Grandpa) and their Great Uncle.
  • Jacob and his Great-Grandpa
Friends

Friends can be a great source of strength and joy.  They participate with us in cultural and social activities. We can have adventures with our friends and learn with them and from them.  Real friends, like healthy family relationships, support us in our life’s purpose and help us see and become who we really are. 

I will always remember the day when I was struggling emotionally as a mother of toddlers and my friend dropped by unannounced. She visited with me for about an hour while her kids played with mine. When she left my mood was completely changed.  I was happy and positive, and I felt ready to take on my responsibilities as a parent.

  • Time With…
  • Friends
Everyone

Beyond family and friends, we can serve and be civil to everyone.  In We All Are “An Awesome Person” and “I love you, but I don’t like you.” Like vs. Love I contemplate unconditional love for everyone from the store clerk to your best friend.  At the end of the day the things that are most meaningful to me are conversations and interactions with others— building relationships. I have found that I sometimes feel very close to the Savior by seeing the light of Christ in humanity— my fellow brothers and sisters.

A woman helps an elderly woman shop for groceries and pick out fruit.
Service is a great way to connect with others.

Conclusion

When we take time to be with and love others, as well as have faith and hope in others, we will feel increased fulfillment and happiness in our lives. This is largely the result of the light of Christ increasing in our lives as we do these things.

When we feel fulfilled by love and light the need to turn to food, entertainment, shopping, addictions, or ego disappears. Then we are living by light and Spirit instead of by the flesh.

What if we feel like we are having faith, hope, and loving God, ourselves, and others but we still don’t feel happy or like we have a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and increased light of Christ?

The next blog post (How to be Happy – Part 5, Obstacles to Happiness) will talk about things that block our happiness and our efforts to connect with one another.

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy
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How To Be Happy- Part 3, Love Yourself

Where Happiness Comes From

Since posting Part 1 of How to Be Happy I have been reminded of something that became clear to me six years ago in the midst of my mid-life crisis/spiritual awakening. It is that everything goes back to faith, hope, and charity. I realized that my theory for happiness was lacking a distinct faith and hope element. Therefore…

We are happy when we have faith, hope and charity. I focus on the role of charity in particular as “the greatest of these is charity” (1 Cor. 13:13). The natural consequence of faith, hope, and charity is more of the light of Christ in our lives as well as a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging. Let’s look at how these things come about by loving yourself.

Love Yourself

The more whole we are as an individual, the more fully we can have faith, hope, and love for others. It is our own responsibility to see to it that we have a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, and belonging. As Napoleon Hill said, “You are the master of your destiny. You can influence, direct and control your own environment. You can make your life what you want it to be.”  (I would add, “with God’s grace.”)

Loving yourself is not selfish. Jesus gave the second great commandment to “love your neighbor as yourself” (Matt. 22:39). When I understand that I am a child of God with “a divine nature and eternal destiny“, I feel self-respect, take care of myself, and do things that will bring me joy. I know how to do this best with God’s guidance.

PERSONAL DEVELOPMENT AND THE LIGHT OF CHRIST

There is happiness in growth. Elder D. Todd Christopherson of the Quorum of the Twelve Apostles put it best when he said, “we find joy in overcoming… whether it be sin, trial, weakness, or any other obstacle to happiness. This is the joy of sensing progress in the path of discipleship; the joy of ‘having received a remission of … sins, and having peace of conscience’; the joy of feeling one’s soul expand and grow through the grace of Christ.”

Growth fills our lives with the light of Christ, which encompasses knowledge, intelligence, love and every other positive, godly attribute.

KNOWLEDGE AND INTELLIGENCE

Knowledge is one form of light and can bring us great joy and open our minds to solutions to our problems. “And ye shall know the truth, and the truth shall make you free.” (John 8:32) We must take caution though. In 1 Corthians 8:1 Paul says, “Knowledge puffeth up, but charity edifieth.” Growth can separate us from God and others if we are proud instead of doing “all to the glory of God.” (1 Cor 10:31)

Knowledge includes much more than formal education. There is social, cognitive, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical learning. Most of my life I have been strong in certain areas and weak in others. Working to progress in my weak areas, as well as building my strengths, has brought me increased light and happiness.

Intelligences

Social intelligence “develops from experience with people and learning from successes and failures in social settings. It is more commonly referred to as ‘tact,’ ‘common sense,’ or ‘street smarts.'” One of the key elements of happiness is a rich social life.

Cognitive intelligence is “intellectual abilities such as logic, reason, reading, writing, analyzing and prioritizing.”  These skills can be gained by taking classes, studying and practicing on our own, playing games, making executive decisions (such as in leadership) and handling the problems presented to you in everyday life. Developing cognitive intelligence can also be related to a rich cultural life.

Psychological intelligence deals with our thought patterns. This is the subject of my post How the Lord Healed my Bipolar Disorder (Psychologically).

We increase emotional intelligence by learning to recognize and regulate emotions. This is done individually through personal reflection and meditation, but it is greatly aided by practicing in interactions with others. Developing a sense of humor is part of emotional and social intelligence. Another aspect of emotional and psychological intelligence is self-control. Fulfilling our responsibilties is a key component of our happiness and strengthens our self-control.

Cindy Wigglesworth defines spiritual intelligence as , “The ability to behave with wisdom and compassion, while maintaining inner and outer peace, regardless of the situation. “ In my own words it is at least in part becoming united with God and His creations.

Physical Intelligence involves body awareness, physical health, and hygiene. These intelligences all overlap one another. It is difficult to clearly separate them. Learning what my body needed greatly aided my emotional and psychological health. (see How The Lord Healed My Bipolar Disorder (Part 1))

SOCIAL AND CULTURAL LIFE

Growing in the different intelligences listed above brings about a rich social and cultural life. A social life is connecting with others. (The subject of the next post “How To Be Happy- Part 4, Loving Others.”) Our cultural life is the things we are doing to enrich life. This includes customs and traditions of our heritage or other’s, cognitive achievements, music, the arts, etc.  These things bring great happiness. 

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Jacob experimenting with a microscope at San Bernardino County Museum.
PURPOSE

We each have a unique purpose beyond that found in the Gospel of Jesus Christ.  As we seek personal revelation and follow the desires of our hearts, our individual purposes will emerge. Maybe we feel motivated to pursue a certain career, volunteer work, service project, or hobby.  I believe these aspirations come from the light of Christ and help us fulfill our individual missions in mortality. We feel great happiness when we act on these impressions. Doing so is often stimulating and involves some adventure as well. 

IDENTITY

Our individual identity, beyond being children of God, is found as we pursue our individual desires and interests. Further, healthy boundaries allow us and others to be ourselves. We have our own feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, and desires. At the same time we can be one and in harmony with others and all God’s creations.

We also find our identity by being honest, true to our feelings, and sincere in what we say and do. I have found that when I focus on being honest and don’t act to please or manipulate others, my unique character shines.  It can take courage sometimes to be different. But, being our true selves enables us to make a unique difference and influence for good.  

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Daniel selling paper airplanes to the public…and being silly.
STIMULATION AND ADVENTURE

We stimulate our minds, bodies, and spirits as we develop socially, cognitively, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically.  Developing in these different aspects is one of the most important ways we love ourselves.

Development adds adventure to our lives. It involves trying new things. We push our own limits beyond what we are already capable of what we already know.

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We can also find adventure and stimulation by facing our fears.  Fear and excitement trigger the same reaction in our bodies. So, if we are afraid we can simply tell ourselves that we are excited.  I recently tried things I was afraid to do as a child. (Like going down the highest water slide at the water-park and riding a roller coaster).  It was invigorating!   

FAITH, HOPE, AND YOU

Because of our faith in Christ, we can have faith in ourselves. We can believe that we can overcome challenges with His grace. Because of Christ’s grace we can have the hope that our capacities to love, learn, believe, and act will increase.

As you love yourself enough to take care of ourself, increase in intelligence, and pursue our purpose the light of Christ grows in our life and our happiness increases. I have the assurance (hope) that, “That which is of God is light; and he that receiveth light, and continueth in God, receiveth more light; and that light groweth brighter and brighter until the perfect day.” (D&C 50:24)

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy
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How To Be Happy- Part 2, Loving God

Jesus and the woman at the well.

Review

To summarize Part 1, we are happy when we truly connect with God, ourselves and others. This is because the natural consequence of connecting with God, ourselves, and others is more light of Christ in our lives as well as a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging. Let’s look at how these things come about by loving God.

Happiness in Loving God

In God we find our most important identity.  We are His children. Also, our most important purpose is also found in God.  It is this, He wants us to help Him bless others and bring them to His Son. In practicing religion I find belonging in my church, purpose in serving, and strong cultural and social life.  God wants us to feel great attachment (affection and fondness) to Him.  As I learn about and worship God with my family and church I also feel a deeper attachment with them. 

Constant Connection

We can have a constant stream of love from God to us.  Unlike our other relationships, He is always available to us. “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me” (D&C 88:63); “they may always have his Spirit to be with them,” (Moroni 4:3); “if ye do this ye shall always be filled with the love of God,” (Mosiah 4:12). 

The Unique Power Of Love in Christ

God’s greatest show of love to us was giving us His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:16). His sacrifice to save us from death and sin was filled with love.  When we realize how much Christ loved us in taking our suffering on Himself it motivates us to follow Him. Because of His atonement we can all be forgiven and find the strength to forgive others.

Ways to Connect with God

the gospel of jesus christ

The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us how to love God, ourselves, and others. In fact, entering into and keeping covenants with Christ is the most effective way to connect with God ourselves and others.

Have Faith

Because God is perfect we can trust Him perfectly.  “God is love.” (1 John 4:16) Having faith in God (trusting Him) is part of loving Him. We can trust God’s will, wisdom, and timing.  I believe everything is happening for us, not to us.  All bad will be turned into something good for us as we exercise faith. (“Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good,” D&C 90:24) We can trust that He will compensate for all our pain and loss. Everything will work out in the end. (And if it hasn’t worked out yet— that means it’s not the end yet.)

Keep Commandments and Repent

We show God we love Him by keeping the commandments (John 14:15), repenting, and seeking guidance from Him each day.  “Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10) When we repent we are reconciled (to restore harmony) with God. “…we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.” (Romans 5:10) “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.” (2 Nephi 10:24)

Give God Our Will

Giving our will to Him and dedicating our lives to Him are acts of love on our part. In my post Codependency and Joy In My Posterity I talk about the natural man and the spiritual man.  The natural man is self-seeking, anxious, and rebellious.  The spiritual man is one that seeks God’s will and takes the Spirit as his guide, living by the Spirit.  When we overcome the natural man we live by the Spirit instead of by our own flesh.  We also live by God’s will instead of our will. (I also talk about this in my post Feel Like a Good Mom, No Guilt.)

Spend Time With Him

Prayer, meditation, study, and worship services can help us connect with God and seek His guidance.  This is loving God and we will feel His love through his Spirit as we do these things humbly. Worship also invites his power into our lives. Praying for the Lord’s help and for charity will make the biggest difference in our lives. All of our best efforts are like a drop in the ocean compared to His grace and what He does for us. But He does want our best efforts, our whole heart. Even at work or doing daily chores we can continually talk to God and be mindful of His blessings. Doing so invites His Spirit to be with you.

Enjoy His Creations

The natural world around us also shows us God’s love. No matter how separated from God we feel this gift is always available to us. “…for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good” (Matthew 5:45).  When we take the time to be outside and appreciate nature our thoughts are often lifted toward Divinity. We feel the peace of His Spirit. Observe the beauty of trees, flowers, landforms, and the sky.

Interact with and care for animals. Our capacity to love grows and our lives are enriched by the animals we care for. 

All of God’s creations are connected by the light of Christ which is in and through everything. “He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; Which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made.” (D&C 88:6-7)

Recognize and Be Grateful for Blessings

Appreciating and praising Him for everything we have is another way to receive His love and be happy. Even in our most difficult times we have much to be grateful for. Every breath we breathe is from Him.   It brings me great peace to have a prayer of gratitude going on in my mind throughout the day. I thank him for whatever is happening and for whatever I see.  

  • Food,
  • clothing,
  • and shelter. (Our house 2008)

Conclusion

God’s love is extended to all of us and He waits for us to receive it. “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” (Revelations 3:20) As we connect daily and continuously we will increase the light of Christ in our lives. In addition, feeling His love for us makes us more capable of loving ourselves and others.

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy

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How To Be Happy – Part 1

There are no affiliate links in this article. I am not a professional.
Daniel and me hanging out.
Daniel and me hanging out.

Studies on How To Be Happy

How to be happy has been the main focus of my studies for the last six or seven years. That is because I went through a period in life where I was not very happy. (See About Me and Codependency and Joy In My Posterity) Feelings such as sadness, anxiety or depression are part of life and have a purpose. However, the majority of my emotions at that time were negative with occasional bursts of happiness. It should be the other way around. After a while I learned where I was going wrong. I saw why what had worked for me since childhood wasn’t serving me anymore. This post is my own thoughts on happiness, but they are consistent (at least in part) with popular and classic experts in a variety of fields. 

Me, my brother Mark, and Sheila.

Some of these professionals are: Abraham Maslow (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs); neurologist and psychologist Victor Frankle (Man’s Search for Meaning); psychiatrist, researcher, author Daniel Amen (Change Your Brain, Change Your Life); researcher Brene Brown (Daring Greatly); the “father of modern mindfulness” John Kabat-Zinn; parenting experts Jim Fay, Charles Fay and Foster Cline (Love and Logic), behavioral scientist Paul Dolan, philosopher Codependence expert and author Melody Beatte (Codependent No More), Family Therapist Douglas Dobberfuhl M.S. (Healing the Codependent Heart), motivational speaker and minister Norman Vincent Peale (The Power of Positive Thinking), Roko Belic’s popular Netflix Documentary “Happy”, and, most importantly, the teachings of the Lord Jesus Christ found in the scriptures. 

I believe all of these professionals (with the exception of the Lord) have part of the answer on how to be happy, but are missing important components to the bigger picture.

Rat Park

This series of articles was prompted because recently my husband told me about an interesting study on drug addiction with rats.  Isolated rats in cages were given a water bottle with morphine and a water bottle without. The isolated rats consistently drank from the drugged water. 

Another group of rats were also offered morphine water and plain water, but these rats lived together in “Rat Park”. Bruce K. Alexander,Professor Emeritus, Simon Fraser University described rat park as “a great big plywood box on the floor of our laboratory, fill[ed] with things that rats like, such as platforms for climbing, tin cans for hiding in, wood chips for strewing around, and running wheels for exercise.” He continues, “ Naturally we included lots of rats of both sexes, and naturally the place soon was teeming with babies.” The rats in “Rat Park” tried the drugged water, but consistently drank plain water instead.  He has written about the study in The Globalisation of Addiction: A study in poverty of the spirit, Oxford University Press, 2008. 

Large pine box for rats
https://www.brucekalexander.com/articles-speeches/rat-park/148-addiction-the-view-from-rat-park

My Rat Park

His study got me thinking, “What would my “Rat Park” be like?”  What does my family need so we won’t feel drawn to drugs or other harmful behaviors such as compulsive shopping, gambling, overeating, social media, video games and screen time? Even positive things can be done compulsively: religion, cleaning, socializing, etc. So, do I need to fill my environment with the human equivalent of platforms, tin cans, woodchips, and running wheels?  Maybe I need to have a nicer house? Maybe I need more vacations and entertainment?  

These thoughts reminded me of my blog “How to Be Happy When You are Poor“. I compared my ideas in that post to Professor Alexander’s findings.  Bruce R. Alexander concluded that people need “a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, and belonging“. As I pondered his study I organized my thoughts about where true happiness comes from.  I agree with him, but would like to add to the answer he gives.

Father holding two-year-old's hand on a path. From How To Be Happy When You Are Poor.
My husband Wes with Daniel

My Philosophy on How To Be Happy

The key to happiness (and dealing with all the challenges of life) is to fill our lives with the love and the light of Christ by loving God, ourselves, and others.  As we do these things we will have a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and much more.

WHAT IF A PERSON IS NOT RELIGIOUS?

Does this mean that people who do not believe in God (and specifically Jesus Christ) cannot be happy? No, there are obviously many people around the world that are happy who are not Christians or even religious.

THE LIGHT OF CHRIST

Everything good and of God is full of the light of Christ. To the degree that people live according to good and just principles they bring the light of Christ into their lives, even if they do not know where it is coming from. “The Light of Christ is the divine energy, power, or influence that proceeds from God through Christ and gives life and light to all things.” (“Light of Christ“) Even if they do not realize it, people connect with God through nature and loving his creations. The light of Christ encompasses knowledge, intelligence, love and every other positive, godly attribute. It is also the source of what we call our “conscience” and is different from the Holy Ghost.

Split Sky By Jessie Eastland – Own work, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=22851938
what love is

Think of love as unity, nurturing, and connection.  The highest, noblest and strongest kind of love is charity. “Charity is the pure love of Christ. It is the love that Christ has for the children of men and that the children of men should have for one another. ” Charity is “the most joyous to the soul” (see 1 Nephi 11:23).”

Series on How To Be Happy

So, our social and cultural life, purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and light of Christ are all found in loving God, ourselves and others.  Let’s look closer at this theory. Over the next few weeks I will post 4 more blogs. They will not be a complete explanation on how to do these things. Past and future blog posts address how to love and overcome obstacles to love in more detail. Here’s what’s coming.

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy

Until Next Time… Keep Smiling. 🙂

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How To Deal With The Pain Of Seeing Your Child Do Poorly In School

I have learned how to replace pain and shame with love and hope. Over the years my children and me had a hard time with school awards assemblies. They were sad they didn’t get any awards, or very few. As a parent, I used to feel some shame for their lack of performance compared to their peers and worry about their future.

For the kids, it is not just assemblies. Week after week some of my children consistently see their peers receive candy and prizes for completing work and scoring well on assignments and tests. Year after year they watch others get what they want so badly but feel they will never achieve. How can we help children with disabilities feel their individual worth and cope with these loses?

  1. Base their value on their efforts and character development instead of outcomes.
  2. Teach them their divine nature and individual worth.
  3. Teach them acceptance and faith in God’s Goodness.

A Few Years Ago I Wrote This In My Journal.

March 2, 2016. “I was thinking about the boys and their schooling. It is sad for me that they are the poorest in their classes because I know it must make them feel bad. They can’t have the false pride from comparing themselves to somelse and being better. Their worth and approval must come from their divine nature.”

“I also worry about them developmentally never being able to catch up. I worry they will always do poorly in school and have a hard time learning and that it would be a disadvantage for them in learning spiritual things as well as obtaining a good career and having means to serve the Lord.”

“But, something tells me all is right. They will be humble because of the lack of false pride. They will be instruments in the hands of God because of their humility. I have to prayerfully try to help my children learn math, writing, reading, and faith—the best I can. And then I need to accept the results with faith because my endeavor was done with faith by revelation.”

What is False Pride

When I mention false pride I am talking about basing worth on outcomes and on comparisons with others. “I am good because I got an A.” “I am a good because I don’t get in trouble like those kids.” I was full of this as a child and well into my adult years. I patted myself on the back for every positive thing I did: being a “good” member of my church, baking, cleaning—all of it.

This is prideful because I didn’t do any of that on my own. God gave me my talents and allowed me to do those things without obstacles stopping me. He alone is good. (Mark 10:18, Ether 4:12)

I call it false pride because it created a false identity for myself. I saw myself as my accomplishments or whatever I was into and my very self-worth depended on how well I performed from day to day.

Accomplishments should be celebrated! There is a lot of character development behind them and the beauty in them. And I believe we need to remember to give the glory to God for those things we celebrate and thank Him for them.

Individual Worth

I try to help my kids keep in mind that they are more than just how they do in school. Not only do they have other talents and skills from God— they are of infinite worth as a child of God.

We teach children they are valuable by treating them with kindness, respect, patience and unconditional love. Along with this, we apologize and make ammends when we mess up and treat them with any disrespect.

Their self-respect will increase as we hold them responsible for their actions. Giving them consequences with empathy allows them to repent and try to improve. We can also praise their positive character traits verses their outcomes. For example, when someone gets an award or a good grade say, “Good job working hard at school, trying your hardest, etc.” “That must’ve taken a lot of hard work.” “You were very patient with that.”

Acceptance of Sad Things

This week my son was really sad about not getting candy and computer time when other kids in his class did. I talked with him about how hard it has been over the years so he knew that I understood. That night I prayed for him very hard and the next day he broke his arm. “God works in mysterious ways,” I thought.

On the way to the hospital he had lots of worries and I told him we would handle anything we needed to with God’s help and together. He went through terrible pain as the doctor reset his bone. Afterward, he expressed how kind everyone we interacted with was— from the staff to the people in the waiting room. He also said, “It’s ok that I broke my arm.” I was so pleased with his maturity in acceptance. That kind of acceptance of hard things (made possible because of faith in God’s love) can help him with any loss.

I can’t change that he gets fewer prizes at school, misses out on things, and might not make as much money as others when he gets older. But, I can accept that it is all in God’s hands and trust that He is good all the time. We will do our best each day and put the rest in His hands. This replaces pain with love and hope. It also helps us focus on individual worth instead of our pride.

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“I love you, but I don’t like you.” Like vs. Love.

When I was young, my siblings and I would sometimes say to each other, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” I have heard of other people saying it since then.  Is this a common phrase? (Please comment below if you have heard it.) As a child, it hurt to hear it because I felt partially loved and partially rejected.  We were just immature kids back then, but in recent years I have pondered the phrase and want to share some thoughts on the subject.

“I love you, but I don’t like you” is Partial Love

When someone says,  “I love you, but I don’t like you,” they usually feel deep concern for the person, but not affection. In place of affection they feel disdain or uneasiness around them.  Affection is “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking,” which is part of truly loving them because “love is a feeling of deep devotion, concern, and affection.” So, if we say “I like you, but don’t love you” we actually only love the person in part.  

In the Romantic Languages (Spanish, Italian, French, etc) the word “like” is not used the same way it is in English. The phrase “it pleases me” is used instead with objects and the word for love and like is the same, for example “querer” in Spanish.

“I love you, but I don’t feel safe with you.”

I have come to believe that the primary reason people feel they don’t like someone is because they actually feel unsafe with that person emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  That person crosses their boundaries by being intrusive, rude, telling them what to do, disrespecting them, or any number of things.

What could be more accurate is, “I love you, I like the good in you, but I don’t always feel safe with you.”  Of course, one probably wouldn’t want to actually tell someone that information, but it helps to clarify it in our own minds. If we know safety is the issue, we can set up boundaries that help us enjoy each other’s company or love and like the person from a distance. (If some of my friends and loved ones reading this haven’t heard from me in a while, please don’t assume I don’t feel safe with you. It is probably just because I have been busy. 🙂

“I love you, but I need to learn to love you more.”

If safety is not the issue then we are robably judging others or creating enmity between us and them.  This would be disliking that person because we think they are stupid, annoying, different from us, etc. Jesus said, “whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.” (Matt 5:22).  For this kind of partial love we need to repent and learn how to love more unconditionally (a lifelong, daily process). In my post “We All Are “An Awesome Person” I explore the likability of almost all people (the exception being the worst criminals on earth).

If I don’t like someone just because they are different from me then I haven’t mattured to the point that I can appreciate the different contributions and roles of others.  If they annoy me that is either due to my pride or to not feeling emotionally safe. For example, sometimes I’m annoyed when my sons are loud because that crosses my sound boundary. It is a safety thing. I need to address the issue with them politely and without indignation.  On the other hand, when they are goofy it is usually funny, but if it starts to annoy me I think to myself, “Let them be themselves. Just treat them politely. Smile.” “Charity suffereth long, and is kind… is not easily provoked.” (1 Cor. 13:14-15)


Unconditional Love

Love is on a spectrum of degrees; it’s not black and white, all or nothing.  Full, unconditional love accepts the good and bad in a person, focuses on the good, and is patient with the bad.  Unconditional love appreciates and respects the differences in others. Remember, it takes all kinds of people to do the Lord’s work. Treating people with the same courtesy even when they are doing something we don’t like (like not obeying us or bothering us) is unconditional love.

Love Comes Through Christ.  

“…love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7)  As we come to Christ through humility we are filled with His love. Humility is the opposite of pride. Ezra T. Benson said, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

If enmity is at the heart of pride, then unity is at the heart of humility.  (See my post How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children.) As we mature in Christ we can love more. Love is mature and hate is immature. Learn of Him, keep His commandments, acknowledge His hand in all things, and seek His will constantly. He will teach us how to love unconditionally little by little.  Then we can say, “I love you and I like you.”

"Healing of the Blind Man" (1871); Carl Bloch. Bible references: Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-42.

“Healing of the Blind Man” (1871); Carl Bloch. Bible references: Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-42.

Like and Love Everyone

God commanded us to love all men.  Here are verses from three different books of scripture, each written to different groups of people with the same commandment.

“Be not partial towards [your brethren] in love above many others, but let thy love be for them as for thyself; and let thy love abound unto all men, and unto all who love my name.”  (D&C 112:11)

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31:20)

“And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:” (1 Thessalonians 3:12)

By David Palazón, Tatoli ba Kultura – Tatoli ba Kultura, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=26244097

Say “I love you”

If we are all to love each other why is it not more common in our society to say, ‘I love you’?  The word love is under used in our society and far more common than we think. Anytime we care for, like, or are concerned for the well-being of someone—  we love them. When we say we like someone we are actually saying we love them.

Maybe saying “I love you” is associated with softness and tenderness and therefore seems like a weakness?  But, people who love have more resilience and inner strength to handle the challenges of life. Is it because we equate it with romantic love?  God commanded us to love all men. Is it because we feel like there is some commitment involved once we say it? We are not responsible for one another’s problems.  Do we think we need to love them fully or to a large extent before we will say it? Love is not all or nothing. We love at many levels as we move towards unconditional love.

Is it because we don’t want to throw the phrase around cheaply or insincerely? Love doesn’t work according to the principles of supply and demand in which the more abundant a product, the cheaper it’s price.  Instead, the more abundant love is the deeper and richer it becomes. It’s more like a muscle that gets bigger the more we work it. How do we change the stigma associated with saying “I love you?” By our own example— if we say it more, others will too.

Conclusion

“I like you, but I don’t love you” is basically saying “I need to learn to love you more and/or to be safe with you.”  We can learn to love each other and be safe with one another as we come to Christ. The more we love, the more joy we will feel in life.

Please share your thoughts below.