We all rock, we are all an awesome person. If we really got to know everyone, individually, we would see how special we all are. “The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” (D&C 18:10)
I haven’t posted for a while because I have been adjusting to a much longer commute for my husband. Also, our family had a close friend pass away. My husband and I were involved with caring for him daily the last few weeks of his life and helping with the funeral. That experience prompted this post because around the time of our friend’s death I heard several times (and said myself) something to the effect of, “What a neat, awesome guy Jim was.”
My Friend Was “An Awesome Person”
Jim Nichols. July 14, 1934-January 23, 2019
James “Jim” Nichols, was not very well known or popular. We met him one Sunday at church about 13 years ago. Jim didn’t attend a lot over the years, but he was drawn to my family and we got to know him quite well. He would come to our house and tell us stories about his family, experiences from the army, and jobs he did throughout his life. He told us about abuses and tragedies he endured. We asked him about all these things too. Over the years he spent hours in our home, we shared meals, and gave each other gifts. But, to the majority of people in our community he was only a quiet, poor, elderly man.
Everyone is “An Awesome Person”
I started to think that if we were to get to know anyone we would have a similar experience. We could grow to admire them for who they are. Everyone has good things they’ve done, talents, and stories. There is much good in you, me, and everyone.
My son Jacob making some creations.
Personality versus Worth
I want to clarify that our talents and the things we do don’t make us “awesome”, in a sense of incredibleness, but they do make us individuals. “I am awesome and amazing because I am a child of God.” “I am an individual because I write, paint, and budget.”
Does a person with a large amount of talents and contributions have more value to society? Yes, they may be more useful to society, but God doesn’t need any of us to do His work. He could do it but, He allows us to serve Him in different roles for our own good. I believe this makes us all equal to Him in our usefulness. If we are all equally valuable before God, should we all be equally valuable to each other? Yes.
There are a couple major differences I see and they are not in worth or awesomeness, but in happiness and safety.
Happiness
Our different talents and skills don’t make us more amazing or extraordinary than someone else. The talents and skills themselves are awesome and they are from God for His purposes. But, I do think we find more joy the greater our capacities are. We also feel happiness in growth and progress. Do you agree?
If a homeless person on the street is trying just as hard as the mayor of the town to serve and progress, will he feel the same satisfaction and happiness in life? Probably not. I have seen many poor and disabled people who struggle and suffer a great deal in life. But, I do believe those people will get an even greater reward from God because of something called the law of compensation. This means that God compensates for any unfairness either in or after this life. Therefore, I believe those who do their best, but suffer heartache and misery will have a greater reward after this life.
Sometimes a Person’s Faults Make it Hard for Themselves and Others to See That They Are “An Awesome Person.”
Just as we all have talents and a list of good things we’ve done, we also all have weaknesses, shortcomings, and past sins. Complaining, being negative, being rude, talking too much, controlling, stealing, abusing others physically or emotionally: these are hard things to look past. This brings me to the idea of safety.
Awesome Versus Safe
Even though we are all awesome this doesn’t mean we are all safe to be around. As individuals we set our boundaries and judge wisely how much we will let certain people into our life and how much we’ll go into theirs.
My husband talks to strangers on the street a lot more than I do because he is physically safer than I am in that scenario. I would love to get to know the local homeless the way he does. He sees them all as individuals because he knows their names and stories.
I talk to people who are emotionally unsafe more than my husband does because I am better about detaching with love, saying no to things I don’t feel comfortable with, and not taking things personally.
Because of Jesus Christ We Can Focus on the Good in People (Including Ourselves)
Jesus Christ helps people be their true selves— awesome. Yes, we all have bad things we’ve done and weakness we deal with. But, He forgives us of our sins and makes up for all our weaknesses as we have faith in Him. Because of Christ we can repent and change for the better. (I talked about repentance under the section “When You are not Using Good Boundaries” in the post How to Have Unity With Your Spouse and Children)
If a person is NOT seeking the Lord and His help, we can trust that the Lord is seeking the individual. God’s angels work just as hard as Satan’s demons to persuade and influence us. Everyone (and their faults and talents) are in God’s hands. Afterall, He is the most truly Awesome one. ”For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial…” (Deuteronomy 10:17)
So we can detach with love from the sins and problems of “sinners” and those we think don’t care about becoming better. Then, as we associate with them as far as we feel is safe, we are free to focus on the good in them and give the rest to God.
The Exceptions to “We Are All An Awesome Person”
The worst criminals on earth cannot be fully redeemed for their gross crimes. “no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:15). “Those who turn from the light and truth of the gospel; who give themselves up to Satan; who enlist in his cause… thereby become his children…” (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Sin Unto Death, p.737)
“Murderers are forgiven eventually but only in the sense that all sins are forgiven except the sin against the Holy Ghost; they are not forgiven in the sense that celestial salvation is made available to them. (Matt. 12:31-32; Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.356-357) After they have paid the full penalty for their crime, they shall go on to a telestial inheritance. (Rev. 22:15)” (McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Murderers, p.520)
Sometimes it is obvious who these people are, but in most cases, it would be best to leave the judgment to God.
Judge Boundaries, Not People
What about when I am faced with a person in a situation that does not make me feel good? I may need to analyze the situation, but I don’t have to analyze the person. For example, if a friend is rude to me I could think about how to establish the boundary that I don’t allow people to treat me like that. I could say, “I respond to people who talk to me calmly and politely” instead of “you are rude”. If a clerk has made an error I could say, “This error occurred, what can we do about it?” Instead of, “That is a lazy employee.” Sometimes we just need to give the person a chance to explain themselves or give us more information.
If we aren’t safe around a person we should still care about them, pray for them, and help them as we feel prompted to. Furthermore, we do all we can to set up boundaries that make us comfortable and we commit the person to God (the same way we put ourselves in God’s hands). It is important to remember that we are not responsible for other people’s problems, faults, or happiness. Rather, we are responsible for our own problems, happiness, and to show equal respect to all people. That is a task big enough to keep us all striving.
How Does the Belief That We are All “An Awesome Person” Affect Behavior?
I see everyone as an equal: homeless people, criminals, politicians, church leaders, administrators, doctors, neighbors, telemarketers, and clerks at stores. This belief has made me more respectful of all people. There is less judgmental thought in my mind and heart.
In conclusion, we are all totally awesome. We all rock and are “the children of the Lord your God,” Deut. 14:1
This article is for rich and poor alike. I have learned from my own experiences and some study that you can be happy when you are poor or rich. In this blog post I use the terms rich and poor referring to financial status (as opposed to spiritual or emotional riches, etc).Please share your thoughts in the comments below.
Rich or Poor
Money is not evil. It is a blessing. I think the purpose of money is to bless us and others and to further God’s work. “Poor” is a relative term based on who you compare yourself to. I am rich compared to most people in the world and seem poor compared to most people in the United States because I live on a low-income.
In my life some could say I have been rich and poor. I was raised in a family that I would consider upper-middle-class in the Unites States. We had everything we needed and much, much more. As a young adult I traveled and received an education. But, after I had my first of five children 13 years ago I was categorized as “low-income”. But, we have always had what we needed and are able to save. I also consider myself the richest person on earth because of my family, faith, and peace.
There are advantages and disadvantages to both poverty and affluence. Being “rich” allowed me to develop talents and have money to bless others. With a “low-income” I matured through extra work. For instance, I do more cooking and cleaning than I’d have to if I were to purchasepre-made food and a dishwasher. I also find it easier to focus on what’s really important in life. It’s helped humble me and I have learned to identify with all types of people in a way that I didn’t before.
To be happy when you are poor (or rich) I have found it helpful to:
Accept God’s will and be grateful for what you have.
Hope for prosperity and financial peace in God’s timing.
Realize where true happiness comes from.
Make true happiness your priority.
Meet basic needs through budgeting, saving, and increasing income or receiving from others.
Because of prayerfully doing these five things I don’t feel poor anymore and our income is increasing.
Valentine’s Day. 2016
1. Accept God’s Will and Be Grateful For What You Have
I used to think I made myself rich or poor. This resulted in pride or shame. However, God is in charge of everything; what talents we have, our level of influence, etc. It is true and important to remember that much of our circumstances are the natural consequence of our actions. But, God’s will is the final deciding factor. Our actions and efforts are fruitful if He allows them to be.
To be happy when you are poor, accept your poverty as God’s will with faith that life is happening for you and not to you. God works in mysterious ways and it takes all kinds of people to do His work. I am grateful for the things I have learned from being on a “low-income”.
With that same attitude, if you have little you can be grateful for the little you have. Focusing on what you do have will help you enjoy it. Even in our most difficult times we have much to be grateful for. I am reminded of the story of a woman who walked from East Prussia to Germany during WWII. She lost each of her family members and was starving when she arrived in Germany, but she said “of all the ailing people in her saddened land, she was one of the happiest because she knew that God lived, that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died and was resurrected so that we might live again.” (I have included her full story at the end of this post.)
Daniel in the kitchen. 2015
2. Hope For Prosperity and Financial Peace in God’s Timing
Positive thoughts of the future lead to a positive future. The reverse is also true. This is called the law of attraction. I think it is closely related to the law of the harvest: you reap what you sow. I love the book by James Allen As a Man Thinketh. It is part of the public domain and you can listen to it on youtube: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iEq0dMu9vpk . In the book he explains that we attract to ourselves what we are.
The Jackrabbit Factor by Leslie Householder goes into detail on how to use the law of attraction for financial freedom. She has made it available as a free e-book.
You can dispute, or contest, negative thoughts associated with poverty and mentally free yourself so that you are happy when you are poor. I once thought, “I can’t eat healthy because I am poor.” And then, I listed all the ways I could eat healthy. True, I couldn’t afford organic food or special ingredients, but I was able to make unprocessed meals and eat fruits and vegetables.
2012
3. Realize Where True Happiness Comes From
Happiness doesn’t come from fancy cars, houses, lots of possessions, etc. It really doesn’t. From my meger 38 years on earth, it seems to me that happiness comes from nourishing our spirits with love and light. That sums up everything I have learned in religion and secular studies. Let me expound as understanding this is key to being happy when you are poor.
Love
We experience love by connecting with God, others, and His creations. I have noticed that at the end of the day the things that are most meaningful to me are conversations and interactions with others- building relationships.
God shows us His love through the natural world around us. When we take the time to appreciate nature we can receive that love and connect with Him. Appreciating what we do have instead of what we don’t is another way to receive His love and be happy when you are poor.
At Laguna Beach on Christmas Day enjoying God’s gifts to us. 2006.
One way we experience love in our relationships with family and friends is when we have healthy boundaries. (see How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children.) Part of that is fulfilling our responsibilities and duties to others. This shows our love for them and brings us closer. Keeping the commandments helps us love God. Doing our responsibilities helps us love those we serve, including our responsibilities to ourselves. Doing our duty out of love gives peace of conscience and is a powerful way to be happy when you are poor.
Light
I find that when I am full of light everything seems ok in life, even when I am going without things I would like. How do we fill our lives with light? Growth and learning are great ways. Love is light. Knowledge is light. Anything good is light.
Knowledge and wisdom can help you be happy when you are poor if your motive is not to put yourselves above others, but to learn more for the glory of God. I have found that learning is possible through reading, audio resources, visual media, and experiences.
Another way to increase light is to mature in different areas of life. As we mature our capacity for happiness increases. You can work with what you have to develop socially, cognitively, psychologically, emotionally, spiritually, and physically. Most of my life I have been strong in certain areas and weak in others. Working to progress in my weak areas has brought light into my life.
Morning light and boys playing with the neighbor’s cat in our yard. 2017
4. Make True Happiness Your Priority
Once you have identified that true happiness comes from love and light, base your daily activities around that. Spend time connecting with people, building relationships, serving God, learning, meditating, taking care of your body. Even at work or doing daily chores you can continually talk to God and be mindful of His blessings around you.
I have found that a lot of entertainment blocks me from love and light. It is hard for me to perceive and feel the light around me when I am wrapped up in a movie or show. Entertainment is fine sometimes, but I try to limit myself and my children’s time on screens. On the other hand, some media and music are very powerful at conveying love and light.
One of the biggest things that helps me to be happy when I am poor (and focus on what’s important) is minimalism. I watched Minimalism: a Documentary About the Important Things. (It is included on Netflix.) The documentary revolutionized my life. Also, Courtney Carver has a 21-day declutter challenge on YouTube that I did. All of a sudden I changed from consumer mindedness to minimalist. Consumerism is the default mentally of the American culture and it has spread over the globe due to the worldwide economy.
Consumerism and poverty are a very disheartening combination; a sure formula for unhappiness. I remember I would long for more, more, more. Then, all of a sudden, I was glad I had a small house and few things. I got rid of as much as I could. It totally freed me and saves a lot of money for things that truly matter.
Now instead of spending money on a lot of toys and stuff we spent it on activities, like a membership at our local museum.
Spending time together at Ford Park. 2015
5. Meet Basic Needs Through Budgeting, Saving, and Increasing Income or Receiving from others
As long as you have food, clothing and shelter to sustain life you can be happy when you are poor. (Victor Frankl shows in his book Man’s Search for Meaning (audio) that even those things are not necessary for peace. He was starving in a nazi concentration camp.)
I have never had to go without food, clothing or shelter. I don’t know if this is because we make that much money or because of the way we manage it. But, I know I have been brought to tears of gratitude because my earthly father taught me how to manage money and it has blessed my family so much.
2016
Budget, Save, and Stay out of Debt
Budgeting allows you to tell your money where to go. It puts you in charge so that you are not controlled by money. You know exactly what is going on in your accounts and aren’t surprised when the money is out.
Having a reserve from savings will give you peace of mind that you can meet your basic needs (food, clothing, shelter). Besides saving money, it is a good idea to save food and water, clothing, and emergency items like a tent, bedding, and first aide things.
When you budget and save you will be able to avoid debt. If you are in debt, make it your whole goal to get out of it. Being debt-free allows you to progress and have peace of mind. I can’t overstate the importance of this.
Here are some resources that I have found helpful for learning to budget, save, and get or stay out of debt. They teach to 1. Pay your tithing; 2. Live within your means; and 3. Save for a rainy day.
Dave Ramsey’s Financial Peace University– I listened to a set of CDs I borrowed from a friend. Your local library may have it. It is very comprehensive and worth the investment to purchase it if you can’t borrow it.
Dave Ramsey talks about ways to increase income in Financial Peace University. I liked a book he recommended called 48 Days to the Work You Love by Dan Miller.
After all my recent efforts to increase our income, God blessed my husband with an increase in his income.
Receive From Others
It has been my experience that when I am kind and friendly people tend to give our family clothes, food, and gifts. It must be part of the law of attraction. Many times over the years we have received exactly what we needed, when we needed it and much more. Their kindness has helped us feel love and enriched our lives.
If you need food, clothing, or shelter please do not despair as this will attract poverty to you. Turn to the Lord in faith and do what you can for Him without thought of a reward. “Behold the fowls of the air: for they sow not, neither do they reap, nor gather into barns; yet your heavenly Father feedeth them. Are ye not much better than they?” Matthew 6:28.
Boys in a cherry tree. 2016
To conclude, you can be happy when you are poor as you focus on what really matters. Doing that has helped me to not see myself as poor and to prosper financially. Thanks for reading.
“In about March 1946, less than a year after the end of the war, Ezra Taft Benson, then a member of the Quorum of the Twelve, accompanied by Frederick W. Babbel, was assigned a special postwar tour of Europe for the express purpose of meeting with the Saints, assessing their needs, and providing assistance to them. Elder Benson and Brother Babbel later recounted, from a testimony they heard, the experience of a Church member who found herself in an area no longer controlled by the government under which she had resided.
She and her husband had lived an idyllic life in East Prussia. Then had come the second great world war within their lifetimes. Her beloved young husband was killed during the final days of the frightful battles in their homeland, leaving her alone to care for their four children.
The occupying forces determined that the Germans in East Prussia must go to Western Germany to seek a new home. The woman was German, and so it was necessary for her to go. The journey was over a thousand miles (1,600 km), and she had no way to accomplish it but on foot. She was allowed to take only such bare necessities as she could load into her small wooden-wheeled wagon. Besides her children and these meager possessions, she took with her a strong faith in God and in the gospel as revealed to the latter-day prophet Joseph Smith.
She and the children began the journey in late summer. Having neither food nor money among her few possessions, she was forced to gather a daily subsistence from the fields and forests along the way. She was constantly faced with dangers from panic-stricken refugees and plundering troops.
As the days turned into weeks and the weeks to months, the temperatures dropped below freezing. Each day, she stumbled over the frozen ground, her smallest child—a baby—in her arms. Her three other children struggled along behind her, with the oldest—seven years old—pulling the tiny wooden wagon containing their belongings. Ragged and torn burlap was wrapped around their feet, providing the only protection for them, since their shoes had long since disintegrated. Their thin, tattered jackets covered their thin, tattered clothing, providing their only protection against the cold.
Soon the snows came, and the days and nights became a nightmare. In the evenings she and the children would try to find some kind of shelter—a barn or a shed—and would huddle together for warmth, with a few thin blankets from the wagon on top of them.
She constantly struggled to force from her mind overwhelming fears that they would perish before reaching their destination.
And then one morning the unthinkable happened. As she awakened, she felt a chill in her heart. The tiny form of her three-year-old daughter was cold and still, and she realized that death had claimed the child. Though overwhelmed with grief, she knew that she must take the other children and travel on. First, however, she used the only implement she had—a tablespoon—to dig a grave in the frozen ground for her tiny, precious child.
Death, however, was to be her companion again and again on the journey. Her seven-year-old son died, either from starvation or from freezing or both. Again her only shovel was the tablespoon, and again she dug hour after hour to lay his mortal remains gently into the earth. Next, her five-year-old son died, and again she used her tablespoon as a shovel.
Her despair was all consuming. She had only her tiny baby daughter left, and the poor thing was failing. Finally, as she was reaching the end of her journey, the baby died in her arms. The spoon was gone now, so hour after hour she dug a grave in the frozen earth with her bare fingers. Her grief became unbearable. How could she possibly be kneeling in the snow at the graveside of her last child? She had lost her husband and all her children. She had given up her earthly goods, her home, and even her homeland.
In this moment of overwhelming sorrow and complete bewilderment, she felt her heart would literally break. In despair she contemplated how she might end her own life, as so many of her fellow countrymen were doing. How easy it would be to jump off a nearby bridge, she thought, or to throw herself in front of an oncoming train.
And then, as these thoughts assailed her, something within her said, “Get down on your knees and pray.” She ignored the prompting until she could resist it no longer. She knelt and prayed more fervently than she had in her entire life:
“Dear Heavenly Father, I do not know how I can go on. I have nothing left—except my faith in Thee. I feel, Father, amidst the desolation of my soul, an overwhelming gratitude for the atoning sacrifice of Thy Son, Jesus Christ. I cannot express adequately my love for Him. I know that because He suffered and died, I shall live again with my family; that because He broke the chains of death, I shall see my children again and will have the joy of raising them. Though I do not at this moment wish to live, I will do so, that we may be reunited as a family and return—together—to Thee.”
When she finally reached her destination of Karlsruhe, Germany, she was emaciated. Brother Babbel said that her face was a purple-gray, her eyes red and swollen, her joints protruding. She was literally in the advanced stages of starvation. In a Church meeting shortly thereafter, she bore a glorious testimony, stating that of all the ailing people in her saddened land, she was one of the happiest because she knew that God lived, that Jesus is the Christ, and that He died and was resurrected so that we might live again. She testified that she knew if she continued faithful and true to the end, she would be reunited with those she had lost and would be saved in the celestial kingdom of God.” (From personal conversations and from Frederick W. Babbel, On Wings of Faith (1972), 40–42.)
WARNING: This is mature content and is not intended for young readers. It is directed to married couples. NOTE: I am not a licensed therapist.
I have been married almost 15 years and I have five young children. My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our sex life. It has been a topic of much concern for my husband and me. I have found that unity between a husband and wife brings the most joy possible in this life and a great sex life is a vital component to achieving that unity. (See How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children) Here are some things that have helped us have a great sex life.
Be Married
Be Emotionally Intimate
Take care Your Physical Health
Address Your Sexual Psychology
Give and Take
Be Into It
Communicate
Keep Learning
Be Married
Marriage doesn’t guarantee a great sex life but the majority of married couples have more frequent and more satisfying sex than unwed couples. Patience through the low times of marriage usually pays off later. Experience builds over time as well as emotional connection, trust, and commitment.
The following 2010 study findings from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University were listed in Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married.on The Huffington Post “…less than 5% of singles between the ages of 25 and 59 have sex 2-3 times a week, while 25% of married folks are beating the single record 5 times over. A whopping 61% of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18% of married people.”
Sex in marriage helps spouses strengthen their love and can make small grievances disappear.
Be Emotionally Intimate
Boundaries- Boundaries are essential to this as I mentioned in my last post “How to Have Unity With Your Spouse and Children”. There was a time after my fifth son was born that I was struggling to enjoy sex with my husband. I tried reading books about positions and techniques but came to find that what was lacking was emotional intimacy with my husband. Once we were more united emotionally, through boundaries, we had a great sex life.
Time and Communication- Spending time together builds emotional intimacy. Dates are great, but sometimes overrated compared to daily communication. I find that when I take time to talk to my husband and listen to him daily we are much closer. Some of the best memories I have with my husband are talking in our bed late at night or early in the morning when the kids are asleep and we are all to ourselves.
Take Care of Physical Health
You will have a great sex life when you are strong, feel good, and have more energy.
Exercise
Eat Well
Personal Hygiene- shower daily, look nice, brush your teeth, etc.
Laura Brotherson calls this the “Good Girl Syndrome” and addresses it in depth in her book And They Were Not Ashamed. Basically, if you’ve been given the impression your whole life that sex is bad because of the law of chastity it is hard to flip the switch after marriage. Sex within marriage is good and sexuality is a big part of who we are as human beings. Physical intimacy is an important expression of love for married couples.
Fear of doing things that aren’t considered conservative
Likewise, if you believe in the law of chastity you may be afraid to go off the beaten path with your spouse as far as practices are concerned. Here are my thoughts on the subject from personal experience. What is chastity? I believe chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage and purity in one’s thoughts, words, and actions.
Although there are limits of dignity and propriety in all aspects of our lives, no specific practices are prohibited in marriage (vibrators, toys, positions, etc.) Everyone’s perceptions of what is proper and what is not will be different. Couples are free to live by the Spirit and make our own choices together about their physical relationship.
I hope people do not make rules for themselves that lead to suffering or unhappiness in their physical relationship; or rules that lead their physical relationship to diminish or become nonexsistent. That relationship can enrich our lives and our marital unity immensely.
If the practice is helping you have a fulfilling, enjoyable, great sex life then it is actually helping you live the law of chastity and remain faithful to each other.
Give and Take
Make sure that both partners are getting what they want. It’s ok to be a little uncomfortable sometimes to help the other person be fulfilled. You may be uncomfortable physically when you are tired or in minordiscomfort. Also, try to be open to the things your spouse wants to do or try without feeling pressure to do anything you don’t want to.
Be careful saying no. Instead of saying “no” you could say, “How about tonight? I would love to, but I don’t feel well.” There are other things you can do if you are not in the mood to go all the way that can still satisfy your spouse.
Compromise on Frequency. It is rare for both partners to have the same sex drive. Choose something you can both agree on; not your way or your spouse’s.
Communicate
Talk to your spouse openly about sex before during and after. Tell your partner what feels good and what you want. Your spouse needs to feel safe to tell you their fantasies, problems, issues … everything. Be sure to make your spouse feel comfortable sharing with you. Council together to work out problems.
Be Into It
Do whatever you need to enjoy sex.
Women’s sex drive- A lot of times I have found that I wasn’t into it at first, but after we got started, I was. This, I learned, is normal for woman. It doesn’t mean we have a low sex drive, but women need to get warmed up and switch gears.
Flirt- Daily flirting and teasing your spouse throughout the day will help build up sexual desire.
Focus- I find it helpful to put a lot of energy into focusing my thoughts during physical intimacy. If my mind begins to wander, I stop it and redirect my thoughts. I concentrate on every physical sensation in my body at the moment. In the past I would also focus on good memories with my husband and all the things I love about him.
Keep Learning
Try new things- this increases variety. Explore different toys and techniques together.
Share everything you research with your spouse. Don’t keep any secrets.
Learn to orgasm if you don’t know how.
This article is not meant to be comprehensive in every aspect. I encourage you to do further research into things that would be helpful for you to have a great sex life. Here are some things that have been helpful to me.
Psychology, practices, principles and some technique for religious readers:
The Act of Marriage by Tim and Beverly LaHaye (directed to engaged Christian couples)
I think it is important to not read, listen to, or watch things that describe the human body or sex in a disrespectful way. The following sources may do that at times but I have gleaned information from them as needed. This is mature content for adults only.
Please leave more helpful resources in the comments as well as any concerns, questions or additional ideas on how to have a great sex life. You can leave anonymous comments.
When I was going to therapy for anger my therapist kept asking me if I had problems in my marriage or with my spouse. I told him I only got mad at my children and that my husband and I had no problems at all.
It wasn’t until I was done with therapy, practicing the anger drills, and studying self-help books that I realized that a lot of my stress and tension came from my relationship with my spouse. I was misreading the source of my stress and taking it out on my children.
We had “no problems” because I was avoiding them and complying with things I didn’t like. Eventually, I learned to be united with my spouse and in turn, my unity with my children improved too. The keys for me were boundaries, communication, intimacy, and making unity my number one priority.
Benefits of Unity
Because of that experience this topic is near and dear to my heart. I believe unity with your spouse and children is the key to a happy and successful life. What I will write is not intended to cover every aspect of how to be one with your spouse and children. These are just a few thoughts that are important to me.
Unity with your spouse and children can be very hard when compulsive anger, fighting, unhealthy communication, addictions, P.T.S.D. or other serious problems weigh on your relationships. These things drain from the good, loving times we share. They make family life bitter-sweet. But this post will teach you how to overcome these hurtful challenges (with the Lord) so your relationships become sweet and you achieve unity with your spouse and children.
Universal Boundaries
A great resource for this topic is the Boundaries series by Townsend and Cloud. Boundaries are rules. They help you have unity with your spouse and children because rules and commandments were put in place to teach us to love ourselves, one another, and God.
Some boundaries are universal or given, like the commandments. People may argue that they are not universal, but when we keep God’s laws good things happen as a natural consequence. The laws of the land you live in are another set of given (or universal) boundaries.
The scriptures are full of boundaries given by God.
As I started learning about boundaries I hung up a small piece of paper on my fridge to remind me what behaviors my therapist said were not OK. Some of them were things that are so common in society that I thought they were normal and fine, but they are universal boundaries because they are not respectful.
Here are those boundaries: physical– kicking, hitting, shoving, unwanted touching; sound– yelling, screaming, music too loud, tone of voice, ranting, whining; emotional– saying mean things, name calling, unkind words, manipulating, teasing, threatening; manners– interrupting, cussing, not listening, doing for others what they should do for themselves, taking things without permission.
Personal Boundaries
Other boundaries are more individual and we set them for ourselves. It is what we are and aren’t OK with. For example, I know someone that is not OK with people chewing ice around them. Everyone can set their own personal boundaries. The important thing for unity with your spouse and children that we respect their personal boundaries. This can require a lot of self-restraint and maturity. For example, there was a Disney movie that my husband was, personally, not OK with. I respected that enough to not let my children watch it, even when he wasn’t around, until he changed his mind and said it was fine.
It is not our place to convince others to agree with us. Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, and loves. (Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend) I have that message hanging on the wall in our living room as part of our family rules.
When You are not Using Good Boundaries
Knowing about boundaries doesn’t make a person change overnight (especially if there are compulsive or addictive behaviors involved). Even when we try to have healthy boundaries and be respectful we are going to mess up. But, I have found that when I use the following formula I mess up less and less. The ugly episodes are fewer and farther between until some things disappear altogether and all of it can some day. This process decreases the drains on our relationships and increases our unity with our spouse and children.
Say sorry to God quickly. I say sorry to God in private prayer right away.
Determine to do better. I tell God I will try with all my heart and I ask Him to give me grace to help me do it less. I expect progress, not perfection. God expects my whole heart, not perfection.
Say sorry to whoever was affected. If I yell at one son in front of the other children I may need to apologize to all of them for scaring them or for hurting their brother’s feelings. I tell them I will try my hardest to do it less. They know that is a realistic expectation to hope for. A lot of times I tell them how I could’ve handled it better and that I will try to handle it that way in the future. There are times when an apology can cause further harm. In such cases, skip to step 4.
Do something to make it right with the person or people I offended. I may give my spouse a massage, play a game with my son, or spend time together. I may decide to give them a day off chores. Whatever it is, I need to feel like we are on good terms. Some of my children are slow to forgive me. I have to respect their unwillingness to receive my love. But, after a while they come around because they see through my actions that I am truly sorry and I mean what I say.
These steps are actually part of repentance and the 12-step addiction recovery program, not word for word. If you deal with any compulsive behavior that you feel you can’t stop, I recommend working the steps.
When Others aren’t Using Healthy Boundaries
This topic needs an entire post. But, basically, let the natural consequences hit them and impose consequences where needed, out of love.We do people a great disservice if we allow them to disrespect us. They are hurting themselves when they hurt others. It is actually helping them to “kick back” somehow.
Unity with your spouse and children cannot happen if you are allowing them to mistreat you. A great resource for this topic is the Boundaries series by Townsend and Cloud.
Boundaries are especially important in families with serious problems like P.T.S.D., mental illness and addictions. Al-Anon literature is very powerful for these families. It teaches them how to let the offender take responsibility for their choices while doing the same yourself. There is so much wisdom in that organization. The principles apply to all problems, not just alcohol.
Forgive
Forgiveness is essential to being united with your spouse and children because we are going to make so many mistakes. It is important that when my husband apologizes, I accept it politely. Sometimes I have accepted his apology and then prayed for God to help me forgive him. I was so tired of the same old thing happening. But, it is important that he keep saying sorry and that I keep supporting him in his efforts to change. (and visa versa) I want the same support, love, and mercy.
I don’t want to sound like the angel in the relationship. I have been the aggressor as many times as my spouse and children. When I started to put these boundaries into practice there were times when I would get upset and my husband would remind me that I needed to calm down before he would keep talking to me. Or he would sweetly call me out on my tone, “Your tone sounds like you are mad.” “You are not talking to me very nicely.” This helped me so much and normally I would say, “Ok, you are right.”
Unity With Spouse and God Above all Else
One day I was praying to know what to do for my children. The Lord spoke to me in my mind through the His Spirit. He said, “Focus on being one with your husband.” This answer was a huge relief to me at the time. I didn’t go away with a checklist of tasks to perform; all I had to do was focus on being one with my husband. I have come to see the wisdom in making unity with my spouse and God my number one focus in life.
Blessings of Unity with Spouse
If I can be one with my husband, I can be one with my children. Working out conflict with him teaches me to work out conflict with the kids.
Everything else in life seems to fall into place.
The children are blessed by our unity because we can council together about them and receive revelation from God through our conversations.
Happiness in life no matter what else is going on. It is so nice at the end of a hard day with the kids to spend some time connecting with my husband emotionally and physically. I have found that when we are close, no other problem or concern can disturb my peace and contentment with life. I feel like it is him and me against the wind and everything will work out.
November 2018
How to be One with Your Spouse
Openness. I used to keep a lot of my concerns about the kids (and life in general) to myself. Not just my concerns, but my dreams too. I think I was afraid of how the conversation would go. I didn’t want it to turn into an argument or for him to negate my thoughts and feelings. But, as we learned to speak to each other with healthy boundaries (through lots of trial and error) we became safe to talk to. We both started opening up. Now I can get his thoughts about my worries for the children and other things. When I am apprehensive to tell him something I make myself do it anyway. Open, frequent communication leads to emotional and intellectual intimacy.
Another key to unity with my spouse has been physical intimacy. (see my post Tips for a Great Sex Life)
Finally, learning to compromise revolutionized our marriage. Before we were either happy we got our way or unhappy we didn’t. Half the time we felt like we didn’t have a voice. When our mindset changed to making everyone happy instead of winning, we came up with new and better ideas.
June 2018
Love Over Rules/Overrules
I used to see the purpose of life as personal development and to prove my obedience to God. The result of this perspective was a lot of focus on myself and on rules. Now I see rules (or boundaries) as a means to an end, not the end themselves. To me, “the end” or the goal of this life is unity with your spouse and children, friends, relatives, and especially with God.
Boundaries, forgiveness and continued effort to be one will eventually help us overcome anger, fighting, unhealthy communication, addictions, PTSD,etc. and be united with our spouse and children. I have come to see personal development as the natural consequence of this effort.
This quote by Joseph Smith is very profound, “By unity of feeling, we obtain power from God.” And, I would add, the greatest satisfaction possible in life.
Again, “Bipolar Depression may be described as a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression.” https://www.citrialsbipolardepression.com/
Besides the chemical factors in the brain that triggered these emotions I found that circumstances equally triggered my bipolar symptoms. To replace being affected by the highs and lows of what was going on around me, I needed to change my thought patterns.
I am not trying to say that these things are a sure cure for Bipolar or will work for everyone. I can only share my experiences and hope that the information may be helpful to some people.
Learning to Face Negative and Wonderful Aspects of Life in a Mature Way
I often have thought in my life, “I am a very nice person as long as things go my way.” I felt happy when everything was going right and ornery when things went wrong. The problem was, life was full of conflict, so I was unhappy about half the time.
I thought that was perfectly normal, but now I see that there are people who live with inner peace almost all the time regardless of circumstances. It is like living on a higher plain of consciousness.
In my experience negative thought patterns cause fear, pride, resentment, enmity, and despair. As I retrained my mind through God’s grace, I was more constant in Him and began to have more faith, humility, love, and hope. Here are some things helped me.
View All As “Right”
I read a quote in A Light in the Wilderness by M. Catherine Thomas that helped me start to see everything as God’s will. This really increased my faith in God because I decided to trust Him every time conflict arose. He can stop or make anything happen, so if He hasn’t stopped it, it must be for a purpose. This of course raises the question, “Why would God allow terrible abuse or violence?” I believe God’s workings go far beyond what we can see and that everything fits together in a sort of complicated math problem.
Here is what I read in Thomas’ book (p.26-27) that impacted me so much. It is from John Taylor, an early leader of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. He is speaking in referring to the trials of the Church at the time and quotes the poet Alexander Pope.
“In relation to anything that has or may transpire, I feel that we are in the hands of God and all is right…. We ought to feel that we are in the Church and kingdom of God, and that God is at the helm, and that all is right and will continue to be. I feel as easy as an old shoe.”
“What if we should be driven to the mountains? Let us be driven. What if we must burn our houses? Why, set fire to them with a good grace, and dance a jig round them while they are burning. ”
“What do I care about these things? We are in the hands of God, and all is right…. What is the position, then, that we ought to occupy- every man, woman, and child? Do our duty before God- honor him, and all is right. Concerning events yet to transpire, we must trust them in the hands of God, and feel that ‘whatever is, is right,’ and that God will control all things for our best good and the interest of his Church and kingdom on the earth. ”
“If we live here and prosper, all right; if we leave here, all right; and if we have to pass through affliction, all right. By and by, when we come to gaze on the fitness of things that are now obscure to us, we shall find that God, although he has moved in a mysterious way to accomplish his purposes on the earth and his purposes relative to us as individuals and families, all things are governed by that wisdom which flows from God, and all things are right and calculated to promote every person’s eternal welfare before God.”
Submit Cheerfully to God’s Will
Seeing everything as God’s will gave me the opportunity to decide to submit to it cheerfully because I trust Him. When my child woke me up at 2 am instead ranting in my head about how tired I was I started to say, “Thy will be done.” One day my tire went flat on the freeway and instead of worrying about the time it would take to get home and the groceries in the car I thought, “Thy will be done.”
I automatically turned to God for help and found this increased not only my faith, but my humility before God. Humitlity started to mean being willing to go with His plan instead of mine and giving Him the credit for everything good.
I could accept my weaknesses and problems with faith that there might be a purpose to them. Because of this belief I stopped viewing myself as a victim of circumstance and started repeating the mantra, “Life is happening for me, not to me.”
The last time I saw my grandmother, Patricia Byrd, before she got dementia, she told me a story from her life that illustrated this lesson. She said that one Christmas she had mailed a package to her brother across the country and right before Christmas Day it showed up at her house again. She was so angry with the postal workers and tried to file complaints and fix the problem. Then, a few days later she received word that her brother’s house caught fire, and everything was burnt. When she heard the news, she was so grateful for the postal error. She told me it taught her not to get angry.
Looking for God’s purposes in all things (the silver lining) reminds me of Pollyanna’s “glad game”. She found something good in every situation and focused on it.
Write
Another tool God gave me to psychologically combat bipolar was to write about things that were troubling me. If I was very upset, I would use scratch paper and write out all the negative stuff. This helped me get my thoughts clear and receive revelation on how to handle situations. Then I would dispose of the paper. Overtime I needed to do this less and less.
I listened to a YouTube video about contesting negative thoughts with an A, B, C, D, E system.
A stands for adversity
B stands for beliefs
C stands for consequences
D stands for disputation
E stands for energize
Writing in my journal each night helped me too. I would list 5 things I was grateful for each day everyday even if I didn’t write about what had transpired during the day. This, of course, brought out my “Pollyanna.”
Meditation and Breathing
To combat depression as well as mania, meditation taught me to free open my mind so that I can tap into my Higher Power more continually and receive guidance. When things are going well, I think about God and thank him. I breathe deeply and practice awareness by taking stock of everything that is going on around me and out of sight of me (the good and the bad around the world).
This short video helped me focus on my breathing as a form of meditation. The man is so cute and he explained to me the way I usually thought and suggested focusing on breathing to quiet our mind. It is called “How to train your monkey mind.”
I used to constantly criticize things and people. As a result, and without realizing it, I criticized myself too. I expected way too much of myself and when I didn’t measure up I would get frustrated and depressed…mood swings.
What is the root of criticism? It might be the belief that our worth depends on our accomplishments and other’s approval. Here are some things I do to redirect critical thoughts:
Replace criticism with a prayer for the person or situation (including myself). If I don’t like what a person is doing I will pray for them receive help from God to stop.
Replace the critical thought with the mantra, “We need less judging and more loving.” I heard this phrase from a Church leader once.
Play devil’s advocate and contest the criticism as mentioned with the ABCDE method. I find think of ways my critical thought is not true, or only partly true.
Never say anything negative about someone or something unless I am planning how to help them or the situation.
Only say things about other people that I think they wouldn’t mind overhearing. Choose words carefully when it is necessary to council about someone else’s problems (including my own children). This leads me to be the same everywhere and with everyone. It gives me an attitude that encourages unity instead of enmity and equality instead of hierarchies.
Understand that Every Human’s Worth is the Same as a Child of God
I used to respect people more that did great things and I felt to be respected I needed to do great things. This left me feeling proud when I was doing well (mania) and depressed when I was not measuring up. I was also self-centered because my worth depended on what I was doing. When I realized that God is allowing me to succeed and He gives me all my powers and talents, I felt grateful instead of proud. He is also allowing my failures and so I felt submissive instead of depressed.
I believe we all deserve the same respect from the homeless person on the street to the Presidents and Kings of nations. This is not to say that we trust everyone the same. We have boundaries with certain people that we know could do us emotional or physical harm, but I respect them as a child of God.
Let Go of Perfectionism
God’s will is much less demanding than ours. He doesn’t expect perfect outcomes, just complete (or perfect) submission of my whole heart. I have started telling myself to expect about 80% performance for myself and my children. They are usually giving 100% of their effort. Most of us are trying out best.
When I was young, I wanted an A+ and a 100% in school. To get that meant I was one of the best. It was written in black and white right in front of everyone’s face. But there is so much more going on than we can see. There is so much more in our hearts and our minds than people know. If we could see inside everyone’s mind, we would only have compassion for one another.
Conclusion
Submitting to God’s will, focusing on Him through meditation, and letting go of criticism helped me find inner peace. The Lord healed my bipolar disorder psychologically. I see the world and everything it in differently.
Things that I saw as negative before are non-issues for me now. I am upset by real issues only briefly and without despair because I have hope that I will be able to handle them with God. Mania is replaced with a constant seeking for God’s will in every thought.
I was diagnosed with bipolar disorder when I was 19 years old. Several other members of my family are bipolar as well. I choose not to take medication and to live with the symptoms instead.
“Bipolar Depression may be described as a condition in which people go back and forth between periods of a very good or irritable mood and depression. The “mood swings” between mania and depression can be very quick.” https://www.citrialsbipolardepression.com/
Under regular circumstances I would say my mood swings were not too severe. I had some delusions of grandeur, but not too bad. I was still a functional member of society, able to attend college, and work. However, once I started having children the stress of family life aggravated the mood swings. My manic phases were often marked by irritability instead of happiness. At church and in public I was usually very happy I was normally having a good time away from home and free from my normal stressors.
Keith, Wes, and I at Disneyland. 2009
The manic and depression phases would switch quickly; even several times within a day. Some days I would work very hard and accomplish a lot. Other days I was depressed and didn’t feel like even taking a shower. At times I was so elated by my children and other moments I was filled with actual hate toward them. When my irritability became more frequent and severe, I sought for help from my unhappiness. (I have mentioned this in other posts.) Through prayer and my own efforts (study and therapy) God showed me physical/chemical solutions and mental/emotional solutions to my bipolar disorder.
Physical/Chemical Solutions
“Bipolar disorder is widely believed to be the result of chemical imbalances in the brain. The chemicals responsible for controlling the brain’s functions are called neurotransmitters and include noradrenaline, serotonin and dopamine.” (Bipolar disorder – Causes – NHS, https://www.nhs.uk/conditions/bipolar-disorder/causes/)
Around the time I started going to therapy for anger, a friend of mine told me about a Natural Health Practitioner she loved watching on YouTube called Barbara O’Neil. I decided to check her out and quickly became obsessed with watching every one of her videos. She explained the science of the body clearly and in a way that was very pertinent to everyday life. She helped me believe that my body was built to function properly and that “genetics loads the gun, but lifestyle pulls the trigger.”
This meant that bipolar may run in my family, but I might have the power to live in a way that frees me from it. I thought that maybe as my overall health improved, my body would be able to better regulate the serotonin, dopamine, and noradrenaline neurotransmitters? I found this to be true.
Happy at home. 2015
Exercise
O’Neil stressed what she called the 8 Laws of Health: 1. Breathe pure air; 2. Soak up sunshine; 3. Try temperance; 4. Rest; 5. Exercise Daily; 6. Enjoy a proper diet; 7. Drink plenty of water; 8. Trust divine power.
I started to exercise a little bit every day. I had a baby and a toddler at home, so normally I would exercise to a goofy little video another friend had given me that was for kids to do with their parents. Jefferson wouldn’t normally do the whole thing with me, but he liked watching me. Other days I would walk with my friend around our local gold course while we talked and pushed our kids in strollers.
Homemade Food
Because of Barbara O’Neil’s teachings I began to eat less wheat, dairy, sugar and processed foods. I already made most of our family’s food because we were on a low income. We very rarely ate out. Paleo diets have no wheat, so I began to experiment with some paleo recipes and to try meals based around rice instead of wheat. I also got into preparing meals to freeze for busy days when I didn’t have time to. There are some great blogs for making large amounts of freezer meals at once. This one has 20 crockpot meals in 2 hours.
Homemade Pizza. 2006
Cutting Back Sugar and Quitting Sugar
The biggest physical/chemical difference for my bipolar came when I quit sugar. In addition to being motivated by Barbara O’Neil, I also got a distinct prompting from the Lord to eat less sugar.
First, I cut back to certain cheat days. Holidays, Sundays and Monday nights were a starting point. I would save all the sweets I wanted to eat and then gorge on them Sunday. I turned to dates, honey and fruit in between. After a while I started to cheat too often because I considered birthdays a holiday and it was always someone’s birthday. The time came to quit completely.
Keith and Jacob licking cookie dough. 2010
I bought a book called I Quit Sugar by Sarah Wilson. I didn’t have money to buy the ingredients in her recipes, but after reading the book I determined to start. It was very hard at first and I had a lot of cravings. But, after a few weeks the cravings went away, and I didn’t even want sweets when I saw them (most of the time).
Sugar Free = Bipolar Free
About a month into it my irritability went away, and my emotions became steady. I could handle difficult situations arising from the children’s boyishness without getting upset and I became more patient with my husband. It was a miracle.
At this time my grandmother, Patricia Byrd, passed away and as I visited with family at her funeral, I learned that my great grandmother was bipolar. I also learned that my great uncle, my grandmother’s brother, had also quit sugar after reading a book he said was called White Poison. (This book may be out of print or that might not be the correct title because I have tried to find that book but could not.) He said before he quit sugar, he would have terrible mood swings. It confirmed to me that because of my genetics I need to be sugar free to be chemically balanced.
My grandmother, Patricia Miller Byrd.
Today
My sweet tooth still calls me, and I have experimented with a lot of naturally sweetened dessert recipes. Some of them are great. But I have made some real nasties too that my family wouldn’t eat. They complained about most of them actually and I must admit that recently (in the last few months) I have started to eat more and more sugar.
It started it with just a few tastes and cheats, but it has grown too much and too frequent. I am seeing the effects of it on my mood too. As I am writing this, I resolve today to fix this problem. NO MORE CHEATS. I will turn to bread and fruits again unless I have time and ingredients to make sugar free desserts.
Conclusion
Psychological/mental/emotional solutions came to me simultaneously with the physical/chemical changes I have spoken of here. These new ways of thinking were every bit as dramatic in changing my life from mood swings to constant peace. I look forward to sharing that adventure in my next post.
I get this question all the time. First, I need to clarify what people mean by “How do you handle five boys?” They might be saying, “How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?” or “How do you stay sane and not lose it on your kids?” There are several answers to both questions
How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?
I don’t. Many of the things I do are quite different from most people because I have had to adapt how we do homework, how we read as a family, how we discipline, how we find entertainment, and basically everything to our specific circumstances. We don’t “measure up” to our society’s standards in academics, athletics, behavior, faith, finances, or courtesy. So, if you want to meet certain criteria for your children, I might not recommend having a lot of boys close together unless you know you are very capable.
I may not be fully capable of handling what I’ve been given. But, when it comes to choosing how many children to have and when, I have learned that when we council with the Lord and put our lives in God’s hands He will make sure the number of kids and the timing will make us the happiest in the long run. My road has been very difficult and I am lacking in so many ways for my children. (See my post on “Mom Guilt”). They aren’t as talented or as disciplined as they would be if I had fewer children and farther apart. But, it’s all in God’s hands and He will make it all work out. Even though it has been incredibly hard to raise them, those five boys are the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had them.
Boys are a blessing.
How Do You Stay Sane?
Well, there was a time when I wasn’t. I functioned from an unhealthy state of mind for most of my life and finally, the boys broke me. I had to become a different person and I praise the Lord for it. The old me was usually negative, stressed, and unhappy under the chaotic and loud circumstances of raising five boys. Through God’s grace I learned (and am still learning) to set up healthy boundaries, change my thought patterns, and be serene.
Boys are messy.
Boundaries
Boys need a lot of discipline. I learned about the idea positive parenting from my father, Tom Dozier, who is a behavioral scientist. His website Guarenteed Parent Training. Love and Logic helped me alot too because boys need consequences. They teach to give consequences lovingly and with empathy. It helps a parent stay calm so the child knows their misbehavior is their problem and not yours.
Another resource that revolutionized my life and my parenting was the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I used to discipline out of fear (yelling and inflicting pain) because I didn’t realize how much control I had as a parent. Also, I often felt like a victim and that my sweet children were my aggressors. All that changed with Boundaries. I read Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Marriage.
Focus on the good because there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad. I decided to stop myself from thinking about or talking to others about the bad things my kids were doing. It was a form of look-how-I-am-a-martyr comedy. Overtime, I turned every concern or complaint into a prayer. This turned the negative into hope. I started listing at least five things in my journal each night that I was grateful for. Soon, I would notice and think about the simple pleasures of motherhood and life more.
If I am focused on the messes, the noise, immature choices, cussing, or rudeness then I miss the boy’s zest for life, ideas for fun, and gestures of unconditional love. Boys are very loving. Sometimes my boys tell me, “You’re so beautiful. You’re so talented, smart, and funny.” But they only feel safe to do that when they see me smiling or at peace.
Boys are dirty. 🙂
Serenity
I must be in tune with my emotions. This came slowly and with practice overtime. I was out of touch with my feelings. For most of my life I thought it was normal to function when I was stressed out. Now, when I start to feel stressed, uneasy, angry, negative or critical I take the time to breathe, write, or do an anger drill. Sometimes I am not sure going into it what is causing me to feel negative and stressed. But taking the time to process my emotions helps me to recognize what the problem is (if any) and make a rational and inspired choice.
The first thing I do is go where I can be alone and take inventory of what is going on at the present moment. I list off everything good and bad. This shows me how much good there is. For example, one day I was realized, “Four of my children are doing what their supposed to, I have food to eat and clothes to wear, the birds are chirping, the trees and flowers are outside, dinner is cooking. I am just upset by one child’s obstinance.” Then I prayed and decided how to handle it. Another day I realized, “The children are being great. I am just stressed out because I am worried that dinner will not taste good, no one will eat, and it will be late.”
At times things surface that are of deep concern. Maybe I become aware of a problem at school or a certain behavior problem that I didn’t seem to notice before. At these times I turn to the Lord in faith, give Him control, and pray for help, guidance, Grace, and answers. He always gives me His grace. I also council with my husband and let him know the things that are worrying me and what I’m doing and praying for. The Lord gives my husband and I revelation as we council together. Many times when I ask God for answers He tells me to talk to my husband about the concern. Then, we come up with the answer together.
Boys are loving.
The Joy of Boys
I will end with a snippet of our life. Look for the negative and positive alternating pattern. Yesterday morning some of my children were cussing, being rude, and refusing to do chores. I kept my cool and withheld their privileges lovingly. (Enforcing boundaries like this is more complicated than it sounds). Eventually, everyone did their chores. We did the grocery shopping, watched some TV, had a fire in the fire pit.
The highlight of my day was when the boys asked me to play with them. They gave me the best gun and we ran around and shot at our oppossing teammates. Thirty minutes later they were terribly rude at dinner and I sent them to bed early. Around their regular bedtime I told them a story about a lady who had tiny gold nuggets come out of her ears when she sneezed. (They like me to “tell them a story with my mouth”). I read a few scripture verses to them and some Church literature. We talked, hugged and prayed. It was beautiful.
Two hours later I went in their room for something and discovered three of them missing. I knew where they were because of a comment I had heard in the morning. They had climbed out the window and were sleeping in the frigid fall night in the old chicken coop. They were wearing their coats and laying on the piece of carpet that used to be in our living room. I woke them up and had them go back to their beds. I kissed them and explained that I want them to be safe and clean.
Boys love life.
I Handle It with God
In conclusion, to handle five boys I have to adapt life to our circumstances without worrying what others think, set up boundaries (aka discipline a lot), focus on the abundance of good, and take time to regulate my emotions so I can handle the bad calmly.
The Struggle to Find Joy and Rejoicing in My Posterity
My Dream Family
All my life I looked forward to being a wife and mother. It was a joyful day when my husband and I had our first child. Finally! I was a mom! I loved it, but I also began to experience frequent stress and anger and some depression. To me, family life involved so much work and opposition. I had many happy moments with my family, but I wondered if this is what I had always dreamed of? It didn’t really seem like “joy and rejoicing” to me.
Seeking Help
As more children came, my negative and positive emotions increased. I sometimes lost my temper multiple times a day and soon felt like I needed emotional help. I read parenting books, went to parenting classes, attended the temple, prayed and fasted. Eventually I went to my Bishop and requested counseling from LDS Social Services. By that time, I had five lively sons from ages nine to one years old.
Anger Drill
My therapist taught me to do what he called an “anger drill”. When I began to feel stress I would go to my room and do something physical to release the stress, like sit-ups. As I moved my body I would talk out loud about what was making me stressed. This skill helped me improve dramatically. It started to re-train my brain to handle stress and conflict more rationally. The Lord also prompted me to eat less sugar, which I found gave me much more self-control. But there was more in store to answer my prayers for peace and joy in my home.
A Divine Intervention
During this time my mother and father-in-law were missionaries for the Addiction Recovery Program. Prompted by the Spirit, my mother-in-law talked to me about some literature regarding codependency. She told me a little about the concept and I decided to read it. As I did, I identified with what I read. It became clear to me that much of my unhappiness was because of codependent behaviors and that anger and depression were just symptoms of a larger problem. The Lord was answering my prayers and showing me a road to greater happiness. I started to study codependency more.
What is Codependency
The term codependency was originally coined “to describe the person or persons whose lives were affected as a result of their being involved with someone who was chemically dependent… a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy as a reaction to someone else’s drug or alcohol abuse.”[1] The patterns were “emotional, psychological, and behavioral.” [2] As professionals continued to study the condition, they found it among many more groups of people such as caretakers, families of PTSD, families of behavioral addictions, and more. It was even said that “codependency is everything and everyone is codependent.”[3] Addictions in families amplify the “emotional, psychological, and behavioral” trends that exist to some degree in many families. An LDS expert explained codependency as “man’s own way of coping or surviving in this fallen world.”[4]
A New Definition of Codependency
As I have learned about it, I best understand codependency as our own set of weaknesses, conditioned negative tendencies, and issues that separate us from God. These things may result from our pre-dispositions we brought with us to earth combined with the conditioning from our life’s circumstances and experiences (especially not being treated with the love and respect we all deserve as a human being). In short, I see codependency as the natural man. “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:15).
As “light cleaveth unto light” (D&C 88:40), codependents (or natural men) attract spouses with a similar level of severity.
Causes and Symptoms of Codepency
There is a large variety of causes of codependency. The symptoms can also be the causes when they are prevalent in one’s family. Some common symptoms are:
Not living by the Spirit or being out of touch with the Spirit
Sinning (I view this as self-inflicted abuse)
Letting another person’s behavior affect you and being obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior[5]
Happiness depending on what others do or do not do or one’s circumstances[6]
Identity or worth defined by a relationship, a role you play, outward appearances, actions, or possessions
Demanding too much of self and others
Unhealthy communication
Anxiety, Depression, Anger
Addictions
Obsessive, compulsive
Perfectionism
Intimacy issues
Being overly analytical
Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Abusing or being abused
Workaholism or laziness
Doing for others what they should do for themselves or Irresponsibility
Being too passive or too defensive
Being too emotional or unemotional
Codependency is passed down through the generations unless the “emotional, psychological, and behavioral” trends are changed through the atonement of Christ.
Healing Through Christ
My eyes were opened seemingly all at once to a looming set of sins and weaknesses. I identified with most of the symptoms on the list above. Soon, I became aware that my husband and I had poor communication and I was venting stress from our relationship onto our children. Also, I realized that pride and fear pervaded a great deal of my choices and thoughts. I based my worth on what I accomplished or acquired. My happiness depended on my children and husband doing what I wanted and their accomplishments. I was manipulative, emotional, irresponsible, selfish, and demanded too much of myself and others. I also saw that in order to feel good I tended to turn to things or behaviors, even religious acts, instead to the Lord Himself. All of a sudden my false pride was crushed.
This was very painful at first, but the Lord said, “…repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal [you]…” (3 Nephi 18:32). Codependency, is an addictive behavior[8] and I began to attend Addiction Recovery Meetings and do the 12-step workbook that goes with the program. This is a program of anonymity, but I choose to openly testify of its effectiveness. The program helped me to “focus on the basic doctrines, principles, and applications of the gospel.”[9] As I worked the program and the Lord worked in my life in other ways, I experienced a dramatic shift, “a change of mind…a fresh view about God, [myself], and about the world.”[10] I felt set free!
Joy and Rejoicing
Before, I wanted to love and have a happy family, but I didn’t fully know how. “For we know in part… ” (1 Corinthians 13:9). As my natural man is brought into submission to God’s will, I am becoming who I really am. I am a child of God, a Christ-like being, the embodiment of love, “for God is love” (1 John 4:16). As I am less controlling and more charitable with my children and husband, they are free to be themselves and their Christ-like personalities bring me great joy. We are not perfect, but I am more understanding and forgiving of our pride and weaknesses. Now, I can truly say I have joy and rejoicing in my posterity.
[1] Robert Subby and John Friel, “Co-Dependency: A Paradoxical Dependency,” Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, 31 (Hollywood, FL: Health Communication, 1984); as cited in Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (Hazelden Foundation, 1986,1992), 31.
[2]Robert Subby, “Inside the Chemically Dependent Marriage: Denial and Manipulation,” Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, 26; as cited in Codependent No More, 30.
[3] As quoted by Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, 31.
[4] Douglas Dobberfuhl, Healing the Codependent Heart (Currawong Press, 2013), 37.
[5] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (1992), 34.
[6] Healing Through Christ Institute,LLC, Healing Through Christ (2007-2013), 142.
[7] The remainder of the symptoms listed were taken from various pages throughout Healing the Codependent Heart, unless otherwise indicated.
[8] LDS Family Services, Addiction Recovery Program (2005), v.
[9] Uchtdorf, “It Works Wonderfully,” Ensign, Nov. 2015, 22.
When children and times are challenging we may worry if we’re a “bad mom”. I used to have a lot of shame for not measuring up to what I thought a “good mom” and family should be. My whole definition of a “good mom” has changed. This is what I do tobe and feel like a good mom and be free from “Mommy Guilt” and shame.
Rely On Jesus Christ
I do a lot of things wrong, I am a very weak, and I have a lot to learn. A lot of the problems my family has to endure are because of my lack of knowledge and skills. This naturally made me feel like I wasn’t a good mom and carry guilt. But, now I believe God has given me everything I need to succeed right now. He knows my family and what we have to deal with. It is all part of His plan.
Because of Christ’s atonement, all of the bad can work together for our good and for His purposes. I remember that He makes up the difference for where I fail. Thanks to Him I can receive forgiveness for my sins and receive power far beyond my own. God also does many miracles and works in my life (far beyond anything my own efforts could do) to help my good desires become a reality. He helps me feel like a “Good Mom” and takes my guilt from me.
Continually Repent
I do mess up as a parent everyday. I am selfish and prideful (not fully, of course). Too often I put my will above God’s, judge my children, or think negatively about them. These things naturally (and for good reason) bring guilt. But I have that guilt lifted right away by Jesus Christ if I repent immediately. Then I feel like (and am) a “good Mom” without guilt. Not because of my talents and capacities, but because I am pure through Christ.
To repent, I say sorry, rededicate myself to God, and try to be a little better than before. I can feel clean and pure and good before God everytime I commit to change.
But, I need to have a realistic expectations for change. I used to have the idea that if I yelled or hit my kids and I repented that meant I needed to never do those things again. I was basically expecting myself to become a perfect mother from then on and never mess up. So, I felt a lot of guilt and like a bad mom because I didn’t think I was really repenting. God showed me that I need to say sorry every time and then ask for help to do it less as oppossed to never. I began to see improvement and grace instead of failure.
Seek God’s Will Daily
God’s will includes the commandments and teachings in the scriptures that are given to the human race as a whole. In addition, He has things He wants me to do as an individual. When I pray to know what to do each day and for particular individuals, I receive ideas in my mind or feelings in my heart. The Lord shows me His will for me. Doing this is daily (and even hourly) is living by revelation and makes me become a partner with God in His work.
This way guilt is replaced with a deep sense of approval from God, knowing God is pleased with me and my efforts that day regardless of all my other problems. He never asks me to do anything that is too much for me because He knows me perfectly. When I have prayed to know what he wants me to do I have received answers such as: eat less sugar, strengthen your abdominals, practice awareness, read the scriptures longer, let Jacob color, be kind to Keith, make your husband dinner.
Keep Learning
As long as I am doing my best I am ok. But, what was my best yesterday may not be my best today. God expects me to keep learning from my mistakes, from study, and from Him through personal revelation.
A New Definition For a “Good Mom”
I used to think a “good mom” did a certain list of do’s and don’ts (clean house, make meals, don’t yell, discipline your children). All of these things are important and will naturally, eventually, be part of my new definition for “good mom.” But, you can be a good mom and yell or not be the best at house work. A “good mom” tries her hardest to follow God’s gentle will and change with the help of the Savior every day. This is something only an individual can judge. I am the only that knows how hard I am trying.
Doing all these things I mentioned is parenting with faith and helps me have confidence instead of guilt or shame. Now I have greater authority as a mother despite my sins and mistakes.
For more information about my change from shame and guilt-laden parentng to free and happy parenting see About Me.
This morning I felt overwhelmed with the mess in the house (clothes and towels on the floor, dishes and food all over the kitchen, toys and trash here and there. ) When Jacob, Michael, and Jeff woke up they went straight outside to their “school” in the old chicken coupe before I was even out of my room. So, I was concerned about them not doing their chores and homework again this morning. Keith had just left to school on his bike and I sat down on the couch and did nothing for a while. I let myself be still and feel overwhelmed instead of pushing myself to get to work. Daniel woke up and sat by me in his pajamas. We just sat quietly cuddling. A thought came into my head that motivated me: “I want to write a blog post today.” I think it was just enough stillness and just enough purpose to help me suddenly feel like getting up and going to work. It didn’t feel forced or like a burden.
Daniel got dressed and I helped him comb his hair. He picked up his pajamas and put them in the laundry and made his bed the way a five-year-old can. Then I had him write individual phoneme sounds on a peice of lined paper and consonant blends as I spoke them. He wrote two words from the consonant blends. This is great practice for children with dyslexia. He is so blessed to be the last of five dyslexic children because I know so much better how to teach him.
Well, Jacob, Michael, and Jeff decided to get dressed for school and eat breakfast. Two minutes before it was time to go Jacob told me he wanted to do his homework. I let him try to look it up on GoogleClassroom and then told him it was time to go. I drove them to school today because we needed extra time to eat breakfast at home. I think the food they are fed in the cafeteria is contributing to their learning disabilities and eczema. I am very disturbed when I see the prepackaged, high-sugar, high-dairy food that they are feeding the kids in our entire school district. But, there isn’t a much better option. It is not realistic to feed 57,000 children organic, home-made food.
As we were getting in the car they all wrote “I love you” in the dew on the windows. When I dropped them off Michael came back and gave me a long hug. These boys have so much love for me. If I don’t nag them about the things they are doing that dissapoint me they are free to show me all that love and I am free to share it with them too. There’s always tomorrow or this afternoon for homework and chores. I am sure I will find something to motivate them.
