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How to Practice Christian Meditations

My last post, Christian Meditation and Mindfulness, introduced and defined Christian meditation and mindfulness. Practicing this has helped me change from feeling stressed and anxious most of the time to feeling peace and joy most of the time. Meditation and mindfulness literally change your brain!

Christian Mindfulness

This is a traditional mindfulness meditation with the added element of awareness of the Lord.  

  1. Be aware of your posture.  Straighten up, lift the rib cage, elongate the spine.  Sit tall, but comfortably. (This is not traditional, but I always pull in my abdominal muscles as well.)
  2. Be aware of your breathing.  Now that you’ve made space for your lungs, breathe deeply and slowly, but naturally.  With every breath, realize it is from the Lord— “the breath of life”. Thank Him for it. 
  3. Be aware of the Lord.  Realize that God gives you every breath, life, food, shelter, and everything you have and are.  Realize that He is in and through everything all around us. Think of Him being aware of you and all of His creations in that present moment.
  4. Now add an awareness of how you are feeling.  How do you feel physically? If you are in pain, accept it.  Don’t fight it. How do you feel emotionally? If you feel anxious, ask yourself why.  (It may help to stop and write about possible causes for negative feelings and possible solutions.)  Are you feeling love, joy, peace, warmth, or calm? These feelings come from the Lord. 
  5. Be aware of your thoughts as they come and go. Many of the thoughts that come are inspirations and you can write them down when you are finished so you can act on them and remember them.  Other thoughts are distractions and without resenting them, you can send them on their way.  

Continue this kind of awareness practice for as long as you would like.  Most meditations are 5-25 minutes long. There are so many mindfulness meditations available through apps and online that practicing them will help you get the hang of it and you can add awareness of the Savior.

Christian Prayer Meditation

Our human nature can tend to pray quickly and robotically, without much thought or mental effort.  Mindfulness helps me be more focused as I pray. I involve my body and my senses. As in mindfulness meditation, I straighten my posture, breathe deeply, listen to the sounds around me, feel the sensations in my body, and especially — pay attention to the feelings in my heart. 

Prayer meditation has helped me to truly learn to pray.  I am not in a rush to finish. I want to just sit and be with God for at least 5, 10, 15 minutes.  What does a person do praying for that long? You might-

  1. Think of all the things you are grateful for, slowly and in great detail.  Thank the Lord for all of them. You can think of experiences and people that have taught you.  Thank God for activities that make you happy. I am always so thankful for the flowers, birds, sky, trees and other creations.
  2. Think about God and thank Him for all of His attributes, for being a loving Father that is always aware of you,.
  3. Commit yourself to the Lord and express your faith in Him.  Tell Him you trust Him, want to do His will, believe in Him.
  4. Express your righteous desires- tell Him you want to obey, have greater faith, and help others.
  5. Talk to Him about your concerns- If anything is troubling you, describe it to Him and ask for guidance.  
  6. Pause throughout your prayer and be still, remembering to breathe, remembering your posture, allowing thoughts to come and sending them on their way if they are distracting.  Some thoughts will be guidance from the Lord through His Spirit. Others will be your own due to your wandering mind.
  7. Describe what you plan to do as a result of your prayer and inspiration received.  This allows you to feel if your conclusions are right. Do you have peace when you think about it or do you feel anxious?  Here are some scriptures about how we get answers from the Lord:
    •  “…you must study it out in your mind; then you must ask me if it be right, and if it is right I will cause that your bosom shall burn within you; therefore, you shall feel that it is right. But if it be not right you shall have no such feelings…” (D&C 9:8-9) 
    • “I will tell you in your mind and in your heart, by the Holy Ghost, which shall come upon you and which shall dwell in your heart.” (D&C 8:2) 
    • “Did I not speak peace to your mind concerning the matter?” (D&C 6:23)
  8. Thank Heavenly Father for any answers you have received, for any peace, joy, or hope you have felt and end in the name of Jesus Christ.

None of these things should be considered step-by-step rigid rules.  Speak to God reverently, but naturally, as the words come to your mind.  I usually write down the thoughts I had after I am finished praying.

Christian Scripture Study Meditation

Some synonyms with meditation are “contemplation, thinking, pondering, reflection, study.”  Reading the word of God can become Christian meditation by paying particular attention to the words, actions, and descriptions of Christ in the scriptures.  I was recently challenged to highlight every verse that referenced the Lord and I also highlighted anything He said. I had not realized how much of what I was reading were actually words from His mouth.  I learned more about who He is. I felt I got to know Him better.

Christian Writing Meditation

Writing can be meditation as our thoughts are so focused on what we are doing that we don’t think about anything else and almost lose track of time. For Christian writing meditation you could try :

  1. Writing questions that are triggered by Christ’s words in the scriptures and then writing answers to them.
  2. Writing down insights and observations from the scriptures as you read.
  3. Freewriting about Jesus Christ.  Describe Him and what He does and says.  
  4. Writing about personal experiences when you have felt His love,  presence, or help.  

Christian Visualization Meditation

Sit or lay with your eyes closed.  Relax your body. Be aware of your posture, your feet on the floor, your hands in your lap.  Focus on your breath. (This is all part of traditional mindfulness meditation). Now think of the Savior.  

You can visualize scenes like:

  1. Him reaching out to you, 
  2. Christ hugging you, 
  3. Christ holding your hand and walking with you.  
  4. An act from his life mentioned in the scriptures.  Picture it in great detail, like a movie. Add to the scene as if you were to recreate it in a film.  Picture the scenery, the other characters, and the clothing. 
  5. Think of HIs light in and through all things.  Ponder that His Spirit is everywhere in the universe and that the past, present, and future are one eternal now for Him. “…I am over all, and in all, and through all, and search all things, and the day cometh that all things shall be subject unto me.” (D&C 63:59)

To Sum it All Up

Practicing Christian meditation opens our mind to receive revelation from God. We can meditate on Christ through:

  • Christian Mindfulness Meditation
  • Prayer
  • Scripture Study
  • Writing
  • Visualization

“Yea, and cry unto God for all thy support; yea, let all thy doings be unto the Lord, and whithersoever thou goest let it be in the Lord; yea, let all thy thoughts be directed unto the Lord; yea, let the affections of thy heart be placed upon the Lord forever.” Alma 37:37

Other Helpful Articles on The Topic of Christian Meditation

Christian Mindfulness by Christian Simplicity

10 Things You Should Know About Christian Meditation by Crosswalk.com

Faithful Meditation by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

Meditation, Meditate in the Topical Guide by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints

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Christian Meditation and Mindfulness

During this time of turmoil in the world, peace and lasting happiness are a welcomed topic.  As I mentioned in my last post, Enmity and Unity, we are happiest when we are united in love with God and our fellowman. The practice of Christian meditation and mindfulness unites us with God.

Mindfulness meditation is very popular these days.  It “is a mental training practice that involves focusing your mind on your experiences (like your own emotions, thoughts, and sensations) in the present moment.”  Mindfulness meditation helps improve mindfulness outside of meditation sessions. 

Mindfulness is often described as, “a mental state achieved by focusing one’s awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one’s feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations.” 

What are Christian Meditation and Mindfulness

“Christian Mindfulness Meditation” can be defined as a meditation practice that focuses on the Savior and the present moment.  The purpose of this practice is to increase “Christian Mindfulness” which is, awareness of and unity with Christ throughout the day. 

Christian Mindfulness Meditation adds to mindfulness meditation an awareness of the Lord, His power, His goodness, and His presence in and through all things.  The Lord has instructed, “Look unto me in every thought.” (D&C 6:36)

Benefits of Christian Mindfulness

Mindfulness has been known to help people be “open to surprise, oriented in the present moment, sensitive to context, and above all, liberated from the tyranny of old mindsets.” People also notice improvements “ in health, productivity, overcoming addictions, avoiding burnout, and increasing our control and potential as we grow older.”  

By adding Christ as the focus of my mindfulness I have personally found that I am much happier, my thoughts are more positive, and worry is replaced with faith. I also believe Christian Mindfulness promotes the following:

  1. We give credit where credit is due – When we add the Lord to mindfulness all of the above is true and we will know where that power and flexibility to handle life on life’s terms (and not ours) comes from.  
  2. We put ourselves in tune with the Lord – When we quiet our minds from endless chatter and distractions we leave room for the Spirit’s voice.  We open ourselves to receiving God’s guidance as we look to Him in every thought.
  3. The Lord nourishes our spirits – Christ is our source of light and life.  Focusing on Christ will nourish our Spirits with His light and love.  Our Spirits need Christ’s light and love like our bodies need food. When our thoughts are consumed with the day to day activities and struggles we become spiritually drained.  Christian Mindfulness gives constant nourishment to our souls as we stay connected to Him.  
  4. Christ becomes the Center of our life – Christian Mindfulness makes Christ the center of your thoughts and therefore, the center of your life.

Next week I will post “How to Practice Christian Meditation.”

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Enmity and Unity

This post is part of the “Obstacles to Love and Happiness” series. 

Enmity’s Affect on Happiness

Enmity (animosity and opposition toward others) affects our ability to connect with others.  As we discovered in How To Be Happy Part 1-4, lasting happiness and peace come from connecting with God, ourselves, and others.  Because enmity towards others affects our closeness with them, it significantly hinders our happiness.  

Enmity is the Central Feature of Pride

With great insight, Ezra T. Benson declared that enmity is “the central feature of pride,” the universal sin.1 Enmity cuts us off from each other to the degree that it is present in our relationships.  We experience enmity with God when we pit our will against His, do not seek Him, and give ourselves credit for what He does for us.  We even experience enmity with ourselves when we hate ourselves or don’t do what we need for proper self-care. Obviously, we have enmity with others when we don’t see one another as equals, criticize, or do anything that creates a distance between us.  

How Pride and Enmity Pervaded My Life

A few years ago when I hit rock bottom emotionally and had a sort of mid-life crisis, the Lord showed me the extent of my pride. It pervaded every aspect of my life.  No wonder I wasn’t very happy.

I spent my days self-aggrandizing or self-soothing.  When I got really honest with myself I saw that I often said things to make others look like the villain so as to excuse my own faults.  I would manipulate people and situations for my own satisfaction.  

To self-soothe I would eat and seek entertainment.  Even my religiosity and efforts as a wife and mother were so that I would feel good and get approval for being “a good Church member” or a “good mom.”  Doing good for the wrong motives is better than not doing good at all! At least it put me in a position to learn and mature whereas sin only increases our pride and enmity.  

All of these actions that put my interests above most everything else resulted in contention and enmity between me and others, my true self, and God.

An Unexpected Answer

During this difficult time I was in the temple and I asked God what I should do about a few problems in my life.  My answer, which came into my mind as words, was, “Be one with your husband.” It seemed unrelated to things I was concerned about. But, I was relieved because it was so simple.  (Although easier said than done.)

Focusing on Unity Humbled Me

I found that as I made unity with my husband my goal each day, each hour, other things fell into place.  I started to think about unity with my children and others. My expectations for cleaning and chores took a step back to make way for unity. Chores got done, but not always my way and with more flexibility and less perfection.

When I was in a conversation or disciplining I held in the back of my mind that I wanted to maintain a feeling of closeness with that person. I often prayed for help to know how to handle a difficult situation. As a result, I learned how to talk out disagreements more diplomatically.

Having unity/oneness as my main goal meant that being right or getting what I wanted was NOT as important anymore.  I also began to apologize and make amends when I messed up, so as to restore the feeling of unity.  This experience got me thinking about the relationship between humility and unity.

Enmity and Pride vs Unity and Humility

Ezra T Benson said, “Most of us think of pride as self-centeredness, conceit, boastfulness, arrogance, or haughtiness. All of these are elements of the sin, but the heart, or core, is still missing.”  Then he taught (as I mentioned previously), “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen.”

Similarly, most of us think of humility as “the condition of being meek and teachable”2.   Or, to “recognize gratefully our dependence on the Lord—to understand that we have a constant need for His support…”3

My experience got me thinking that like Ezra T. Benson said with pride, maybe these are all elements of humility, but the heart, or core, is still missing.  The central feature of humility is unity—unity with God and our fellowmen.   

Unity is oneness or harmony with others.  When we are truly humble we will be one with God and our fellowmen.

In my experience, trying to be one with God and my fellowmen causes me to get on my knees, swallow my pride, admit my mistakes or sins, recognize that I need help, and seek additional knowledge.  Focusing on unity also causes me to put my own will, selfish desires, and appetites aside every hour of every day if they do not promote unity with God and my fellowmen.  

Replace Enmity with Unity by Drawing Close to the Savior

Removing the enmity obstacle to joy is definitely an on-going, life-long process — not a one time cure.  

Jesus Christ, our perfect example of humility, was always one with the Father.  He prayed for us, “That they all may be one; as thou, Father, art in me, and I in thee, that they also may be one in us…that they may be one, even as we are one:” John 17:21-22

Repentance and gospel living are important ways that we Come Unto Him. (see D&C 18:11)

Repentance

As we repent we will change, grow, and mature in Christlike ways until we return to the humility of young children. “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things that the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father.” (Mosiah 3:19)    

Gospel Living

“When we live the gospel, receiving the saving ordinances and keeping our covenants, our natures are changed. The Savior’s Atonement sanctifies us, and we can live in unity, enjoying peace in this life and preparing to dwell with the Father and His Son forever.”4

Check Motives

Another way we can reduce enmity is to check our motives for what we do or even think.  If our motives are based in self-satisfying or self-aggrandizing it puts us above God and others.  Sometimes our motive could be to put ourselves down, which is also enmity. Checking our motives for our actions will help us become aware of enmity. Awareness is the first step to repentance. 

As we repent of our pride and start to change our motive will become to submit to God’s will out of love and faith. We will draw close to the Lord as we humbly, constantly seek His will.  

To Sum It All Up

  • Enmity is animosity and affects our ability to connect with others and therefore hinders our happiness.
  • Enmity is the central feature of pride.
  • Enmity can be more prevalent in our lives than we are aware of.
  • Unity, the opposite of enmity, is the central feature of humility, the opposite of pride.
  • Come unto Christ to replace enmity with unity.
  • Repentance and Gospel Living are important ways to come unto Christ.
  • Checking our motives can help us be sure that they are not selfish.

Overcoming enmity will result in us experiencing greater joy as we are united with God, others, and our true selves. “the Lord called his people Zion, because they were of one heart and one mind…” (Moses 7:18)  

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Obstacles to Love and Happiness

This is the conclusion of the “How to Be Happy” series and the beginning of a new series.

Obstacles to love are things that take away from our otherwise happy relationships. They are also things that negatively affect our ability to have connection and/or emotional intimacy (with God, ourselves, and others) in the first place. 

I seem like a very happy person and I am most of the time.  It is part of my personality. Nobody is happy 100% of the time, but I think 80% of the time is a realistic expectation. Although I am very happy, I struggled to overcome depression, chronic stress, and other mental, emotional and relationship issues.  There have been prolonged periods of my life when I was miserable about 40-50% of the time.

Keith and me. 2008

I started studying happiness 6 years ago because everything I was trying still left me wanting.  I was living the gospel which is “the most important step you can take in finding greater joy and happiness.” (The Hunt for Happiness by David Dickson, Ensign 2019) So why was I still struggling to enjoy life and be happy at home? 

I have a lot to learn, but I want to share what I can up to this point.

In the previous four posts of this “How To Be Happy” series I suggest that when the focus of our lives is on having faith, hope, and love (for God, ourselves and others) the result is a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and continually increasing light of Christ in our lives. I suggest that these things are necessary for happiness.  I am talking lasting happiness as opposed to bursts of happy. This conclusion was based on the “Rat Park” study, many books I have read, and Gospel teachings.  (see How To Be Happy – Part 1)  

However, if you are trying to have faith, hope, and love God, yourself and others… if you are trying to have a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure, attachment, etc. but you still don’t feel happy at least 80% of the time— THIS BLOG IS FOR YOU.  

  • Jeff and me. 2019
  • Jacob and Me. 2019

Here are things that block us from happiness when what we are doing would normally bring us happiness.  I address these topics in a new series called “Obstacles to Love”.

  1. Chemical and Biological Imbalances/Mental Health
  2. Enmity
  3. Stress
  4. Lack of Faith or Trust  
  5. Poor Boundaries
  6. Poor Communication
  7. Negativity and Limiting Beliefs
  8. Distractions and Out of Balance Priorities

We Need Grace to Overcome Love Obstacles

To overcome love obstacles we need our Savior, Jesus Christ. All of our efforts are a drop in the ocean compared to what God does for us. Joining with God in a partnership brings daily miracles in our lives.

Photo by  BrendelSignature at English Wikipedia see license

In the Book of Mormon, when Nephi’s family was starving in the wilderness he asked for God’s help in prayer and then he made a bow and arrow out of wood. (1 Nephi 16:23).

God wants us to ask for His help and continually seek him as we “go and do.” (1 Nephi 3:7) He will inspire us, lead us, and empower us to overcome love obstacles. We might not overcome all our obstacles 100%. But, we can expect to change with God’s help so that we can be happy.

Michael and me. 2019
  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy
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How To Be Happy – Part 4, Love Others

Happiness depends on a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and increased light of Christ. These are all found in faith, hope, and loving God, ourselves and others.  In this blog, we will look at how faith and hope in others and loving others brings happiness.

Faith and Hope in Others

Faith in Christ leads to salvation. Further, because of our faith in Christ, we can have faith in others. We can believe that they can overcome challenges with His grace. We can have the assurance (hope) that God is helping all His children in His wisdom and love. He doesn’t go against anyone’s will, but He always watches over us. We can hope that in God’s way and time other’s capacities to love, learn, and believe will increase.

Loving Others Increases Our Intelligence (Light)

You will develop socially and have many adventures as you love others. As mentioned earlier, our social life also correlates with our cognitive, psychological, emotional, spiritual, and physical growth. Some of this happens as we participate in group sports, arts and cultural activities done with others, organized religion, and formal education classes. We can also learn to regulate emotions through interactions with others.

Let’s look at some specific social relationships and how they help us be fulfilled and happy.

Marriage

Marriage is a unique catalyst for growth.  If my husband or I are unhappy in our relationship it indicates a need for change. Marriage, like nothing else, refines a person.

What happens as we work out problem after problem and forgive one another? We become more whole as individuals and our capacity for happiness grows. In addition, working out our problems makes us closer.

Marriage is also unique in its ability to provide attachment and belonging. I address some of these issues in “How to have Unity with Your Spouse and Children” and “Tips for a Great Sex Life“. (The last-mentioned post is only for adults).

Relatives

Our nuclear and extended families are very important to our social and cultural life, pleasure, growth, belonging, identity, and attachment. See my post How to have Unity with Your Spouse and Children.  We feel joy when we spend time together, worship, study together, and talk.  If we don’t live together, we can plan reunions, visit one another, and talk through modern technology regularly.  Studying our family history on top of all this can give us a sense of identity, culture, and heritage— like a foundation.

  • Nuclear Family
  • Sibling Bonding

In March my parents took us to Texas to visit my aunts, uncles, cousins, and my grandfather that is still living.  When we returned, my kid’s teachers and I noticed how happy and well behaved the boys were. They asked what we had done over Spring Break. I wondered what it was about the trip that had impacted them.  I believe it was the stimulation and adventure as well as the time they spent connecting with extended family.

  • Time with my Cousins and Grammy.
  • The boys with Poppy (Their Grandpa) and their Great Uncle.
  • Jacob and his Great-Grandpa
Friends

Friends can be a great source of strength and joy.  They participate with us in cultural and social activities. We can have adventures with our friends and learn with them and from them.  Real friends, like healthy family relationships, support us in our life’s purpose and help us see and become who we really are. 

I will always remember the day when I was struggling emotionally as a mother of toddlers and my friend dropped by unannounced. She visited with me for about an hour while her kids played with mine. When she left my mood was completely changed.  I was happy and positive, and I felt ready to take on my responsibilities as a parent.

  • Time With…
  • Friends
Everyone

Beyond family and friends, we can serve and be civil to everyone.  In We All Are “An Awesome Person” and “I love you, but I don’t like you.” Like vs. Love I contemplate unconditional love for everyone from the store clerk to your best friend.  At the end of the day the things that are most meaningful to me are conversations and interactions with others— building relationships. I have found that I sometimes feel very close to the Savior by seeing the light of Christ in humanity— my fellow brothers and sisters.

A woman helps an elderly woman shop for groceries and pick out fruit.
Service is a great way to connect with others.

Conclusion

When we take time to be with and love others, as well as have faith and hope in others, we will feel increased fulfillment and happiness in our lives. This is largely the result of the light of Christ increasing in our lives as we do these things.

When we feel fulfilled by love and light the need to turn to food, entertainment, shopping, addictions, or ego disappears. Then we are living by light and Spirit instead of by the flesh.

What if we feel like we are having faith, hope, and loving God, ourselves, and others but we still don’t feel happy or like we have a rich social and cultural life, purpose, adventure/stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging, and increased light of Christ?

The next blog post (How to be Happy – Part 5, Obstacles to Happiness) will talk about things that block our happiness and our efforts to connect with one another.

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy
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How To Be Happy- Part 2, Loving God

Jesus and the woman at the well.

Review

To summarize Part 1, we are happy when we truly connect with God, ourselves and others. This is because the natural consequence of connecting with God, ourselves, and others is more light of Christ in our lives as well as a viable social and cultural life with purpose, adventure, stimulation, attachment, identity, belonging. Let’s look at how these things come about by loving God.

Happiness in Loving God

In God we find our most important identity.  We are His children. Also, our most important purpose is also found in God.  It is this, He wants us to help Him bless others and bring them to His Son. In practicing religion I find belonging in my church, purpose in serving, and strong cultural and social life.  God wants us to feel great attachment (affection and fondness) to Him.  As I learn about and worship God with my family and church I also feel a deeper attachment with them. 

Constant Connection

We can have a constant stream of love from God to us.  Unlike our other relationships, He is always available to us. “Draw near unto me and I will draw near unto you; seek me diligently and ye shall find me” (D&C 88:63); “they may always have his Spirit to be with them,” (Moroni 4:3); “if ye do this ye shall always be filled with the love of God,” (Mosiah 4:12). 

The Unique Power Of Love in Christ

God’s greatest show of love to us was giving us His Son, Jesus Christ (John 3:16). His sacrifice to save us from death and sin was filled with love.  When we realize how much Christ loved us in taking our suffering on Himself it motivates us to follow Him. Because of His atonement we can all be forgiven and find the strength to forgive others.

Ways to Connect with God

the gospel of jesus christ

The Gospel of Jesus Christ teaches us how to love God, ourselves, and others. In fact, entering into and keeping covenants with Christ is the most effective way to connect with God ourselves and others.

Have Faith

Because God is perfect we can trust Him perfectly.  “God is love.” (1 John 4:16) Having faith in God (trusting Him) is part of loving Him. We can trust God’s will, wisdom, and timing.  I believe everything is happening for us, not to us.  All bad will be turned into something good for us as we exercise faith. (“Search diligently, pray always, and be believing, and all things shall work together for your good,” D&C 90:24) We can trust that He will compensate for all our pain and loss. Everything will work out in the end. (And if it hasn’t worked out yet— that means it’s not the end yet.)

Keep Commandments and Repent

We show God we love Him by keeping the commandments (John 14:15), repenting, and seeking guidance from Him each day.  “Wickedness never was happiness.” (Alma 41:10) When we repent we are reconciled (to restore harmony) with God. “…we were reconciled to God by the death of his Son, much more, being reconciled, we shall be saved by his life.” (Romans 5:10) “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, reconcile yourselves to the will of God, and not to the will of the devil and the flesh; and remember, after ye are reconciled unto God, that it is only in and through the grace of God that ye are saved.” (2 Nephi 10:24)

Give God Our Will

Giving our will to Him and dedicating our lives to Him are acts of love on our part. In my post Codependency and Joy In My Posterity I talk about the natural man and the spiritual man.  The natural man is self-seeking, anxious, and rebellious.  The spiritual man is one that seeks God’s will and takes the Spirit as his guide, living by the Spirit.  When we overcome the natural man we live by the Spirit instead of by our own flesh.  We also live by God’s will instead of our will. (I also talk about this in my post Feel Like a Good Mom, No Guilt.)

Spend Time With Him

Prayer, meditation, study, and worship services can help us connect with God and seek His guidance.  This is loving God and we will feel His love through his Spirit as we do these things humbly. Worship also invites his power into our lives. Praying for the Lord’s help and for charity will make the biggest difference in our lives. All of our best efforts are like a drop in the ocean compared to His grace and what He does for us. But He does want our best efforts, our whole heart. Even at work or doing daily chores we can continually talk to God and be mindful of His blessings. Doing so invites His Spirit to be with you.

Enjoy His Creations

The natural world around us also shows us God’s love. No matter how separated from God we feel this gift is always available to us. “…for he maketh his sun to rise on the evil and on the good” (Matthew 5:45).  When we take the time to be outside and appreciate nature our thoughts are often lifted toward Divinity. We feel the peace of His Spirit. Observe the beauty of trees, flowers, landforms, and the sky.

Interact with and care for animals. Our capacity to love grows and our lives are enriched by the animals we care for. 

All of God’s creations are connected by the light of Christ which is in and through everything. “He that ascended up on high, as also he descended below all things, in that he comprehended all things, that he might be in all and through all things, the light of truth; Which truth shineth. This is the light of Christ. As also he is in the sun, and the light of the sun, and the power thereof by which it was made.” (D&C 88:6-7)

Recognize and Be Grateful for Blessings

Appreciating and praising Him for everything we have is another way to receive His love and be happy. Even in our most difficult times we have much to be grateful for. Every breath we breathe is from Him.   It brings me great peace to have a prayer of gratitude going on in my mind throughout the day. I thank him for whatever is happening and for whatever I see.  

  • Food,
  • clothing,
  • and shelter. (Our house 2008)

Conclusion

God’s love is extended to all of us and He waits for us to receive it. “Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me.” (Revelations 3:20) As we connect daily and continuously we will increase the light of Christ in our lives. In addition, feeling His love for us makes us more capable of loving ourselves and others.

  1. How to Be Happy – Part 1
  2. Love God – Part 2 of How To Be Happy
  3. Love Yourself – Part 3 of How To Be Happy
  4. Love Others- Part 4 of How To Be Happy
  5. Overcome Love Road-Blocks- Part 5 of How To Be Happy

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“I love you, but I don’t like you.” Like vs. Love.

When I was young, my siblings and I would sometimes say to each other, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” I have heard of other people saying it since then.  Is this a common phrase? (Please comment below if you have heard it.) As a child, it hurt to hear it because I felt partially loved and partially rejected.  We were just immature kids back then, but in recent years I have pondered the phrase and want to share some thoughts on the subject.

“I love you, but I don’t like you” is Partial Love

When someone says,  “I love you, but I don’t like you,” they usually feel deep concern for the person, but not affection. In place of affection they feel disdain or uneasiness around them.  Affection is “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking,” which is part of truly loving them because “love is a feeling of deep devotion, concern, and affection.” So, if we say “I like you, but don’t love you” we actually only love the person in part.  

In the Romantic Languages (Spanish, Italian, French, etc) the word “like” is not used the same way it is in English. The phrase “it pleases me” is used instead with objects and the word for love and like is the same, for example “querer” in Spanish.

“I love you, but I don’t feel safe with you.”

I have come to believe that the primary reason people feel they don’t like someone is because they actually feel unsafe with that person emotionally, physically, or spiritually.  That person crosses their boundaries by being intrusive, rude, telling them what to do, disrespecting them, or any number of things.

What could be more accurate is, “I love you, I like the good in you, but I don’t always feel safe with you.”  Of course, one probably wouldn’t want to actually tell someone that information, but it helps to clarify it in our own minds. If we know safety is the issue, we can set up boundaries that help us enjoy each other’s company or love and like the person from a distance. (If some of my friends and loved ones reading this haven’t heard from me in a while, please don’t assume I don’t feel safe with you. It is probably just because I have been busy. 🙂

“I love you, but I need to learn to love you more.”

If safety is not the issue then we are robably judging others or creating enmity between us and them.  This would be disliking that person because we think they are stupid, annoying, different from us, etc. Jesus said, “whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.” (Matt 5:22).  For this kind of partial love we need to repent and learn how to love more unconditionally (a lifelong, daily process). In my post “We All Are “An Awesome Person” I explore the likability of almost all people (the exception being the worst criminals on earth).

If I don’t like someone just because they are different from me then I haven’t mattured to the point that I can appreciate the different contributions and roles of others.  If they annoy me that is either due to my pride or to not feeling emotionally safe. For example, sometimes I’m annoyed when my sons are loud because that crosses my sound boundary. It is a safety thing. I need to address the issue with them politely and without indignation.  On the other hand, when they are goofy it is usually funny, but if it starts to annoy me I think to myself, “Let them be themselves. Just treat them politely. Smile.” “Charity suffereth long, and is kind… is not easily provoked.” (1 Cor. 13:14-15)


Unconditional Love

Love is on a spectrum of degrees; it’s not black and white, all or nothing.  Full, unconditional love accepts the good and bad in a person, focuses on the good, and is patient with the bad.  Unconditional love appreciates and respects the differences in others. Remember, it takes all kinds of people to do the Lord’s work. Treating people with the same courtesy even when they are doing something we don’t like (like not obeying us or bothering us) is unconditional love.

Love Comes Through Christ.  

“…love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7)  As we come to Christ through humility we are filled with His love. Humility is the opposite of pride. Ezra T. Benson said, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”

If enmity is at the heart of pride, then unity is at the heart of humility.  (See my post How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children.) As we mature in Christ we can love more. Love is mature and hate is immature. Learn of Him, keep His commandments, acknowledge His hand in all things, and seek His will constantly. He will teach us how to love unconditionally little by little.  Then we can say, “I love you and I like you.”

"Healing of the Blind Man" (1871); Carl Bloch. Bible references: Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-42.

“Healing of the Blind Man” (1871); Carl Bloch. Bible references: Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-42.

Like and Love Everyone

God commanded us to love all men.  Here are verses from three different books of scripture, each written to different groups of people with the same commandment.

“Be not partial towards [your brethren] in love above many others, but let thy love be for them as for thyself; and let thy love abound unto all men, and unto all who love my name.”  (D&C 112:11)

“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31:20)

“And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:” (1 Thessalonians 3:12)

By David Palazón, Tatoli ba Kultura – Tatoli ba Kultura, CC BY-SA 3.0, https://commons.wikimedia.org/w/index.php?curid=26244097

Say “I love you”

If we are all to love each other why is it not more common in our society to say, ‘I love you’?  The word love is under used in our society and far more common than we think. Anytime we care for, like, or are concerned for the well-being of someone—  we love them. When we say we like someone we are actually saying we love them.

Maybe saying “I love you” is associated with softness and tenderness and therefore seems like a weakness?  But, people who love have more resilience and inner strength to handle the challenges of life. Is it because we equate it with romantic love?  God commanded us to love all men. Is it because we feel like there is some commitment involved once we say it? We are not responsible for one another’s problems.  Do we think we need to love them fully or to a large extent before we will say it? Love is not all or nothing. We love at many levels as we move towards unconditional love.

Is it because we don’t want to throw the phrase around cheaply or insincerely? Love doesn’t work according to the principles of supply and demand in which the more abundant a product, the cheaper it’s price.  Instead, the more abundant love is the deeper and richer it becomes. It’s more like a muscle that gets bigger the more we work it. How do we change the stigma associated with saying “I love you?” By our own example— if we say it more, others will too.

Conclusion

“I like you, but I don’t love you” is basically saying “I need to learn to love you more and/or to be safe with you.”  We can learn to love each other and be safe with one another as we come to Christ. The more we love, the more joy we will feel in life.

Please share your thoughts below.

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We All Are “An Awesome Person”

We all rock, we are all an awesome person.  If we really got to know everyone, individually, we would see how special we all are.  “The worth of souls is great in the sight of God.” (D&C 18:10)

I haven’t posted for a while because I have been adjusting to a much longer commute for my husband.  Also, our family had a close friend pass away. My husband and I were involved with caring for him daily the last few weeks of his life and helping with the funeral.  That experience prompted this post because around the time of our friend’s death I heard several times (and said myself) something to the effect of, “What a neat, awesome guy Jim was.”

My Friend Was “An Awesome Person”


Jim Nichols. July 14, 1934-January 23, 2019

James “Jim” Nichols, was not very well known or popular.  We met him one Sunday at church about 13 years ago. Jim didn’t attend a lot over the years, but he was drawn to my family and we got to know him quite well.  He would come to our house and tell us stories about his family, experiences from the army, and jobs he did throughout his life. He told us about abuses and tragedies he endured. We asked him about all these things too.  Over the years he spent hours in our home, we shared meals, and gave each other gifts. But, to the majority of people in our community he was only a quiet, poor, elderly man.

Everyone is “An Awesome Person”

I started to think that if we were to get to know anyone we would have a similar experience.  We could grow to admire them for who they are. Everyone has good things they’ve done, talents, and stories.  There is much good in you, me, and everyone.

My son Jacob making some creations.

Personality versus Worth

I want to clarify that our talents and the things we do don’t make us “awesome”, in a sense of incredibleness, but they do make us individuals. “I am awesome and amazing because I am a child of God.” “I am an individual because I write, paint, and budget.”

Does a person with a large amount of talents and contributions have more value to society?  Yes, they may be more useful to society, but God doesn’t need any of us to do His work. He could do it but, He allows us to serve Him in different roles for our own good. I believe this makes us all equal to Him in our usefulness. If we are all equally valuable before God, should we all be equally valuable to each other? Yes.

There are a couple major differences I see and they are not in worth or awesomeness, but in happiness and safety.

Happiness

Our different talents and skills don’t make us more amazing or extraordinary than someone else. The talents and skills themselves are awesome and they are from God for His purposes. But, I do think we find more joy the greater our capacities are. We also feel happiness in growth and progress. Do you agree?

If a homeless person on the street is trying just as hard as the mayor of the town to serve and progress, will he feel the same satisfaction and happiness in life? Probably not. I have seen many poor and disabled people who struggle and suffer a great deal in life. But, I do believe those people will get an even greater reward from God because of something called the law of compensation. This means that God compensates for any unfairness either in or after this life. Therefore, I believe those who do their best, but suffer heartache and misery will have a greater reward after this life.

Sometimes a Person’s Faults Make it Hard for Themselves and Others to See That They Are “An Awesome Person.”

Just as we all have talents and a list of good things we’ve done, we also all have weaknesses, shortcomings, and past sins.  Complaining, being negative, being rude, talking too much, controlling, stealing, abusing others physically or emotionally: these are hard things to look past.  This brings me to the idea of safety.

Awesome Versus Safe

Even though we are all awesome this doesn’t mean we are all safe to be around.  As individuals we set our boundaries and judge wisely how much we will let certain people into our life and how much we’ll go into theirs.

My husband talks to strangers on the street a lot more than I do because he is physically safer than I am in that scenario.  I would love to get to know the local homeless the way he does. He sees them all as individuals because he knows their names and stories.

I talk to people who are emotionally unsafe more than my husband does because I am better about detaching with love, saying no to things I don’t feel comfortable with, and not taking things personally.  

Because of Jesus Christ We Can Focus on the Good in People (Including Ourselves)

Jesus Christ helps people be their true selves— awesome.  Yes, we all have bad things we’ve done and weakness we deal with.  But, He forgives us of our sins and makes up for all our weaknesses as we have faith in Him.  Because of Christ we can repent and change for the better. (I talked about repentance under the section “When You are not Using Good Boundaries” in the post How to Have Unity With Your Spouse and Children)

If a person is NOT seeking the Lord and His help, we can trust that the Lord is seeking the individual.  God’s angels work just as hard as Satan’s demons to persuade and influence us. Everyone (and their faults and talents) are in God’s hands.  Afterall, He is the most truly Awesome one. ”For the Lord your God is God of gods and Lord of lords, the great, the mighty, and the awesome God, who is not partial…” (Deuteronomy 10:17)

So we can detach with love from the sins and problems of “sinners” and those we think don’t care about becoming better.  Then, as we associate with them as far as we feel is safe, we are free to focus on the good in them and give the rest to God.

The Exceptions to “We Are All An Awesome Person”

The worst criminals on earth cannot be fully redeemed for their gross crimes. “no murderer hath eternal life abiding in him” (1 John 3:15). “Those who turn from the light and truth of the gospel; who give themselves up to Satan; who enlist in his cause… thereby become his children…” (Bruce R. McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Sin Unto Death, p.737)

“Murderers are forgiven eventually but only in the sense that all sins are forgiven except the sin against the Holy Ghost; they are not forgiven in the sense that celestial salvation is made available to them. (Matt. 12:31-32; Teachings of the Prophet Joseph Smith, p.356-357) After they have paid the full penalty for their crime, they shall go on to a telestial inheritance. (Rev. 22:15)” (McConkie, Mormon Doctrine, Murderers, p.520)

Sometimes it is obvious who these people are, but in most cases, it would be best to leave the judgment to God.

Judge Boundaries, Not People

What about when I am faced with a person in a situation that does not make me feel good?  I may need to analyze the situation, but I don’t have to analyze the person. For example, if a friend is rude to me I could think about how to establish the boundary that I don’t allow people to treat me like that.  I could say, “I respond to people who talk to me calmly and politely” instead of “you are rude”. If a clerk has made an error I could say, “This error occurred, what can we do about it?” Instead of, “That is a lazy employee.”  Sometimes we just need to give the person a chance to explain themselves or give us more information.

If we aren’t safe around a person we should still care about them, pray for them, and help them as we feel prompted to. Furthermore, we do all we can to set up boundaries that make us comfortable and we commit the person to God (the same way we put ourselves in God’s hands). It is important to remember that we are not responsible for other people’s problems, faults, or happiness.  Rather, we are responsible for our own problems, happiness, and to show equal respect to all people. That is a task big enough to keep us all striving.

How Does the Belief That We are All “An Awesome Person”  Affect Behavior?

I see everyone as an equal: homeless people, criminals, politicians, church leaders, administrators, doctors, neighbors, telemarketers, and clerks at stores.  This belief has made me more respectful of all people. There is less judgmental thought in my mind and heart.

In conclusion,  we are all totally awesome.  We all rock and are “the children of the Lord your God,” Deut. 14:1

Please comment your thoughts on the subject.

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Tips for a Great Sex Life

WARNING: This is mature content and is not intended for young readers. It is directed to married couples. NOTE: I am not a licensed therapist.

I have been married almost 15 years and I have five young children.  My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our sex life. It has been a topic of much concern for my husband and me.  I have found that unity between a husband and wife brings the most joy possible in this life and a great sex life is a vital component to achieving that unity. (See How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children) Here are some things that have helped us have a great sex life.

  1. Be Married
  2. Be Emotionally Intimate
  3. Take care Your Physical Health
  4. Address Your Sexual Psychology
  5. Give and Take
  6. Be Into It
  7. Communicate
  8. Keep Learning

Be Married

Marriage doesn’t guarantee a great sex life but the majority of married couples have more frequent and more satisfying sex than unwed couples. Patience through the low times of marriage usually pays off later. Experience builds over time as well as emotional connection, trust, and commitment.

The following 2010 study findings from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University were listed in Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married. on The Huffington Post “…less than 5% of singles between the ages of 25 and 59 have sex 2-3 times a  week, while 25% of married folks are beating the single record 5 times over. A whopping 61% of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18% of married people.”

Sex in marriage helps spouses strengthen their love and can make small grievances disappear.

Be Emotionally Intimate

Boundaries- Boundaries are essential to this as I mentioned in my last post “How to Have Unity With Your Spouse and Children”.  There was a time after my fifth son was born that I was struggling to enjoy sex with my husband.  I tried reading books about positions and techniques but came to find that what was lacking was emotional intimacy with my husband. Once we were more united emotionally, through boundaries, we had a great sex life.

Time and Communication- Spending time together builds emotional intimacy.  Dates are great, but sometimes overrated compared to daily communication. I find that when I take time to talk to my husband and listen to him daily we are much closer.  Some of the best memories I have with my husband are talking in our bed late at night or early in the morning when the kids are asleep and we are all to ourselves.

Take Care of Physical Health

You will have a great sex life when you are strong, feel good, and have more energy.

  • Exercise
  • Eat Well
  • Personal Hygiene- shower daily, look nice, brush your teeth, etc.
  • Get Enough Rest

Address Your Psychology Towards Sex

Do not view pornography-  This warps people’s views of sex and creates unrealistic expectations. There is a lot of evidence to back this up. (“Study Sees Link Between Porn and Sexual Dysfunction”) A simple internet search will bring up many articles on the subject. Here is one. “Expectations Vs. Reality: How Porn Messes With What Consumers Find Attractive.”

Get professional help if you have a history of sexual abuse or other serious problems- This has proved effective for many people. See “Childhood Sexual Abuse: Sexual Recovery Is Possible” in Psychology Today.

Explore Inhibitions

Guilt or shame associated with sex

Laura Brotherson calls this the “Good Girl Syndrome” and addresses it in depth in her book And They Were Not Ashamed. Basically, if you’ve been given the impression your whole life that sex is bad because of the law of chastity it is hard to flip the switch after marriage. Sex within marriage is good and sexuality is a big part of who we are as human beings. Physical intimacy is an important expression of love for married couples.

Fear of doing things that aren’t considered conservative

Likewise, if you believe in the law of chastity you may be afraid to go off the beaten path with your spouse as far as practices are concerned. Here are my thoughts on the subject from personal experience.  What is chastity? I believe chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage and purity in one’s thoughts, words, and actions.

Although there are limits of dignity and propriety in all aspects of our lives, no specific practices are prohibited in marriage (vibrators, toys, positions, etc.) Everyone’s perceptions of what is proper and what is not will be different. Couples are free to live by the Spirit and make our own choices together about their physical relationship.

I hope people do not make rules for themselves that lead to suffering or unhappiness in their physical relationship; or rules that lead their physical relationship to diminish or become nonexsistent. That relationship can enrich our lives and our marital unity immensely. 

If the practice is helping you have a fulfilling, enjoyable, great sex life then it is actually helping you live the law of chastity and remain faithful to each other.

Give and Take

Make sure that both partners are getting what they want. It’s ok to be a little uncomfortable sometimes to help the other person be fulfilled. You may be uncomfortable physically when you are tired or in minordiscomfort. Also, try to be open to the things your spouse wants to do or try without feeling pressure to do anything you don’t want to.

Be careful saying no.  Instead of saying “no” you could say, “How about tonight? I would love to, but I don’t feel well.”  There are other things you can do if you are not in the mood to go all the way that can still satisfy your spouse.   

Compromise on Frequency.  It is rare for both partners to have the same sex drive. Choose something you can both agree on; not your way or your spouse’s.

Communicate

Talk to your spouse openly about sex before during and after. Tell your partner what feels good and what you want.  Your spouse needs to feel safe to tell you their fantasies, problems, issues … everything. Be sure to make your spouse feel comfortable sharing with you.  Council together to work out problems.

Be Into It

Do whatever you need to enjoy sex.

Women’s sex drive- A lot of times I have found that I wasn’t into it at first, but after we got started, I was.  This, I learned, is normal for woman. It doesn’t mean we have a low sex drive, but women need to get warmed up and switch gears.

Flirt- Daily flirting and teasing your spouse throughout the day will help build up sexual desire.

Focus- I find it helpful to put a lot of energy into focusing my thoughts during physical intimacy.  If my mind begins to wander, I stop it and redirect my thoughts. I concentrate on every physical sensation in my body at the moment. In the past I would also focus on good memories with my husband and all the things I love about him.

Keep Learning

Try new things- this increases variety.  Explore different toys and techniques together.

Share everything you research with your spouse.  Don’t keep any secrets.

Learn to orgasm if you don’t know how.

This article is not meant to be comprehensive in every aspect.  I encourage you to do further research into things that would be helpful for you to have a great sex life. Here are some things that have been helpful to me.

Psychology, practices, principles and some technique for religious readers:

I think it is important to not read, listen to, or watch things that describe the human body or sex in a disrespectful way. The following sources may do that at times but I have gleaned information from them as needed. This is mature content for adults only.

Techniques and other information:

Please leave more helpful resources in the comments as well as any concerns, questions or additional ideas on how to have a great sex life. You can leave anonymous comments.

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How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children

My Story

When I was going to therapy for anger my therapist kept asking me if I had problems in my marriage or with my spouse.  I told him I only got mad at my children and that my husband and I had no problems at all.  

It wasn’t until I was done with therapy, practicing the anger drills, and studying self-help books that I realized that a lot of my stress and tension came from my relationship with my spouse. I was misreading the source of my stress and taking it out on my children. 

We had “no problems” because I was avoiding them and complying with things I didn’t like.  Eventually, I learned to be united with my spouse and in turn, my unity with my children improved too.  The keys for me were boundaries, communication, intimacy, and making unity my number one priority.

Benefits of Unity

Because of that experience this topic is near and dear to my heart.  I believe unity with your spouse and children is the key to a happy and successful life.  What I will write is not intended to cover every aspect of how to be one with your spouse and children.  These are just a few thoughts that are important to me.

Unity with your spouse and children can be very hard when compulsive anger, fighting, unhealthy communication, addictions, P.T.S.D. or other serious problems weigh on your relationships.  These things drain from the good, loving times we share. They make family life bitter-sweet. But this post will teach you how to overcome these hurtful challenges (with the Lord) so your relationships become sweet and you achieve unity with your spouse and children.

Universal Boundaries

 A great resource for this topic is the Boundaries series by Townsend and Cloud.  Boundaries are rules.  They help you have unity with your spouse and children because rules and commandments were put in place to teach us to love ourselves, one another, and God.

Some boundaries are universal or given, like the commandments.  People may argue that they are not universal, but when we keep God’s laws good things happen as a natural consequence. The laws of the land you live in are another set of given (or universal) boundaries.

The scriptures are full of boundaries given by God.

As I started learning about boundaries I hung up a small piece of paper on my fridge to remind me what behaviors my therapist said were not OK. Some of them were things that are so common in society that I thought they were normal and fine, but they are universal boundaries because they are not respectful.  

Here are those boundaries: physical– kicking, hitting, shoving, unwanted touching; sound– yelling, screaming, music too loud, tone of voice, ranting, whining; emotional– saying mean things, name calling, unkind words, manipulating, teasing, threatening; manners– interrupting, cussing, not listening, doing for others what they should do for themselves, taking things without permission.    

Personal Boundaries

Other boundaries are more individual and we set them for ourselves. It is what we are and aren’t OK with.  For example, I know someone that is not OK with people chewing ice around them. Everyone can set their own personal boundaries. The important thing for unity with your spouse and children that we respect their personal boundaries.  This can require a lot of self-restraint and maturity. For example, there was a Disney movie that my husband was, personally, not OK with. I respected that enough to not let my children watch it, even when he wasn’t around, until he changed his mind and said it was fine.   

It is not our place to convince others to agree with us.  Everyone is entitled to their own feelings, attitudes and beliefs, behaviors, choices, values, limits, talents, thoughts, desires, and loves. (Boundaries, Cloud and Townsend)  I have that message hanging on the wall in our living room as part of our family rules.

When You are not Using Good Boundaries

Knowing about boundaries doesn’t make a person change overnight (especially if there are compulsive or addictive behaviors involved). Even when we try to have healthy boundaries and be respectful we are going to mess up.  But, I have found that when I use the following formula I mess up less and less.  The ugly episodes are fewer and farther between until some things disappear altogether and all of it can some day. This process decreases the drains on our relationships and increases our unity with our spouse and children.

  1. Say sorry to God quickly.  I say sorry to God in private prayer right away.
  2. Determine to do better.  I tell God I will try with all my heart and I ask Him to give me grace to help me do it less.  I expect progress, not perfection. God expects my whole heart, not perfection.
  3. Say sorry to whoever was affected.  If I yell at one son in front of the other children I may need to apologize to all of them for scaring them or for hurting their brother’s feelings.  I tell them I will try my hardest to do it less. They know that is a realistic expectation to hope for. A lot of times I tell them how I could’ve handled it better and that I will try to handle it that way in the future.  There are times when an apology can cause further harm. In such cases, skip to step 4.
  4. Do something to make it right with the person or people I offended.  I may give my spouse a massage, play a game with my son, or spend time together.  I may decide to give them a day off chores. Whatever it is, I need to feel like we are on good terms.  Some of my children are slow to forgive me. I have to respect their unwillingness to receive my love. But, after a while they come around because they see through my actions that I am truly sorry and I mean what I say.

These steps are actually part of repentance and the 12-step addiction recovery program, not word for word. If you deal with any compulsive behavior that you feel you can’t stop, I recommend working the steps.

When Others aren’t Using Healthy Boundaries

This topic needs an entire post.  But, basically, let the natural consequences hit them and impose consequences where needed, out of love.  We do people a great disservice if we allow them to disrespect us.  They are hurting themselves when they hurt others. It is actually helping them to “kick back” somehow.  

Unity with your spouse and children cannot happen if you are allowing them to mistreat you.  A great resource for this topic is the Boundaries series by Townsend and Cloud.

Boundaries are especially important in families with serious problems like P.T.S.D., mental illness and addictions. Al-Anon literature is very powerful for these families.  It teaches them how to let the offender take responsibility for their choices while doing the same yourself.  There is so much wisdom in that organization. The principles apply to all problems, not just alcohol.  

Forgive

Forgiveness is essential to being united with your spouse and children because we are going to make so many mistakes.  It is important that when my husband apologizes, I accept it politely. Sometimes I have accepted his apology and then prayed for God to help me forgive him.  I was so tired of the same old thing happening.  But, it is important that he keep saying sorry and that I keep supporting him in his efforts to change. (and visa versa) I want the same support, love, and mercy.

I don’t want to sound like the angel in the relationship.  I have been the aggressor as many times as my spouse and children.  When I started to put these boundaries into practice there were times when I would get upset and my husband would remind me that I needed to calm down before he would keep talking to me.  Or he would sweetly call me out on my tone, “Your tone sounds like you are mad.” “You are not talking to me very nicely.” This helped me so much and normally I would say, “Ok, you are right.” 

Unity With Spouse and God Above all Else

One day I was praying to know what to do for my children.  The Lord spoke to me in my mind through the His Spirit. He said, “Focus on being one with your husband.”  This answer was a huge relief to me at the time.  I didn’t go away with a checklist of tasks to perform; all I had to do was focus on being one with my husband.  I have come to see the wisdom in making unity with my spouse and God my number one focus in life.

Blessings of Unity with Spouse

  1. If I can be one with my husband, I can be one with my children.  Working out conflict with him teaches me to work out conflict with the kids.  
  2. Everything else in life seems to fall into place.
  3. The children are blessed by our unity because we can council together about them and receive revelation from God through our conversations.
  4. Happiness in life no matter what else is going on.  It is so nice at the end of a hard day with the kids to spend some time connecting with my husband emotionally and physically.  I have found that when we are close, no other problem or concern can disturb my peace and contentment with life. I feel like it is him and me against the wind and everything will work out.
November 2018

How to be One with Your Spouse

  1. Openness. I used to keep a lot of my concerns about the kids (and life in general) to myself.  Not just my concerns, but my dreams too. I think I was afraid of how the conversation would go.  I didn’t want it to turn into an argument or for him to negate my thoughts and feelings. But, as we learned to speak to each other with healthy boundaries (through lots of trial and error) we became safe to talk to.  We both started opening up. Now I can get his thoughts about my worries for the children and other things. When I am apprehensive to tell him something I make myself do it anyway. Open, frequent communication leads to emotional and intellectual intimacy.
  2. Another key to unity with my spouse has been physical intimacy.  (see my post Tips for a Great Sex Life)  
  3. Finally, learning to compromise revolutionized our marriage.  Before we were either happy we got our way or unhappy we didn’t.  Half the time we felt like we didn’t have a voice. When our mindset changed to making everyone happy instead of winning, we came up with new and better ideas.
June 2018

Love Over Rules/Overrules

I used to see the purpose of life as personal development and to prove my obedience to God. The result of this perspective was a lot of focus on myself and on rules.  Now I see rules (or boundaries) as a means to an end, not the end themselves.  To me, “the end” or the goal of this life is unity with your spouse and children, friends, relatives, and especially with God.

Boundaries, forgiveness and continued effort to be one will eventually help us overcome anger, fighting, unhealthy communication, addictions, PTSD,etc. and be united with our spouse and children. I have come to see personal development as the natural consequence of this effort.

This quote by Joseph Smith is very profound, “By unity of feeling, we obtain power from God.” And, I would add, the greatest satisfaction possible in life.