I get this question all the time. First, I need to clarify what people mean by “How do you handle five boys?” They might be saying, “How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?” or “How do you stay sane and not lose it on your kids?” There are several answers to both questions
How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?
I don’t. Many of the things I do are quite different from most people because I have had to adapt how we do homework, how we read as a family, how we discipline, how we find entertainment, and basically everything to our specific circumstances. We don’t “measure up” to our society’s standards in academics, athletics, behavior, faith, finances, or courtesy. So, if you want to meet certain criteria for your children, I might not recommend having a lot of boys close together unless you know you are very capable.
I may not be fully capable of handling what I’ve been given. But, when it comes to choosing how many children to have and when, I have learned that when we council with the Lord and put our lives in God’s hands He will make sure the number of kids and the timing will make us the happiest in the long run. My road has been very difficult and I am lacking in so many ways for my children. (See my post on “Mom Guilt”). They aren’t as talented or as disciplined as they would be if I had fewer children and farther apart. But, it’s all in God’s hands and He will make it all work out. Even though it has been incredibly hard to raise them, those five boys are the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had them.
Boys are a blessing.
How Do You Stay Sane?
Well, there was a time when I wasn’t. I functioned from an unhealthy state of mind for most of my life and finally, the boys broke me. I had to become a different person and I praise the Lord for it. The old me was usually negative, stressed, and unhappy under the chaotic and loud circumstances of raising five boys. Through God’s grace I learned (and am still learning) to set up healthy boundaries, change my thought patterns, and be serene.
Boys are messy.
Boundaries
Boys need a lot of discipline. I learned about the idea positive parenting from my father, Tom Dozier, who is a behavioral scientist. His website Guarenteed Parent Training. Love and Logic helped me alot too because boys need consequences. They teach to give consequences lovingly and with empathy. It helps a parent stay calm so the child knows their misbehavior is their problem and not yours.
Another resource that revolutionized my life and my parenting was the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I used to discipline out of fear (yelling and inflicting pain) because I didn’t realize how much control I had as a parent. Also, I often felt like a victim and that my sweet children were my aggressors. All that changed with Boundaries. I read Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Marriage.
Focus on the good because there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad. I decided to stop myself from thinking about or talking to others about the bad things my kids were doing. It was a form of look-how-I-am-a-martyr comedy. Overtime, I turned every concern or complaint into a prayer. This turned the negative into hope. I started listing at least five things in my journal each night that I was grateful for. Soon, I would notice and think about the simple pleasures of motherhood and life more.
If I am focused on the messes, the noise, immature choices, cussing, or rudeness then I miss the boy’s zest for life, ideas for fun, and gestures of unconditional love. Boys are very loving. Sometimes my boys tell me, “You’re so beautiful. You’re so talented, smart, and funny.” But they only feel safe to do that when they see me smiling or at peace.
Boys are dirty. 🙂
Serenity
I must be in tune with my emotions. This came slowly and with practice overtime. I was out of touch with my feelings. For most of my life I thought it was normal to function when I was stressed out. Now, when I start to feel stressed, uneasy, angry, negative or critical I take the time to breathe, write, or do an anger drill. Sometimes I am not sure going into it what is causing me to feel negative and stressed. But taking the time to process my emotions helps me to recognize what the problem is (if any) and make a rational and inspired choice.
The first thing I do is go where I can be alone and take inventory of what is going on at the present moment. I list off everything good and bad. This shows me how much good there is. For example, one day I was realized, “Four of my children are doing what their supposed to, I have food to eat and clothes to wear, the birds are chirping, the trees and flowers are outside, dinner is cooking. I am just upset by one child’s obstinance.” Then I prayed and decided how to handle it. Another day I realized, “The children are being great. I am just stressed out because I am worried that dinner will not taste good, no one will eat, and it will be late.”
At times things surface that are of deep concern. Maybe I become aware of a problem at school or a certain behavior problem that I didn’t seem to notice before. At these times I turn to the Lord in faith, give Him control, and pray for help, guidance, Grace, and answers. He always gives me His grace. I also council with my husband and let him know the things that are worrying me and what I’m doing and praying for. The Lord gives my husband and I revelation as we council together. Many times when I ask God for answers He tells me to talk to my husband about the concern. Then, we come up with the answer together.
Boys are loving.
The Joy of Boys
I will end with a snippet of our life. Look for the negative and positive alternating pattern. Yesterday morning some of my children were cussing, being rude, and refusing to do chores. I kept my cool and withheld their privileges lovingly. (Enforcing boundaries like this is more complicated than it sounds). Eventually, everyone did their chores. We did the grocery shopping, watched some TV, had a fire in the fire pit.
The highlight of my day was when the boys asked me to play with them. They gave me the best gun and we ran around and shot at our oppossing teammates. Thirty minutes later they were terribly rude at dinner and I sent them to bed early. Around their regular bedtime I told them a story about a lady who had tiny gold nuggets come out of her ears when she sneezed. (They like me to “tell them a story with my mouth”). I read a few scripture verses to them and some Church literature. We talked, hugged and prayed. It was beautiful.
Two hours later I went in their room for something and discovered three of them missing. I knew where they were because of a comment I had heard in the morning. They had climbed out the window and were sleeping in the frigid fall night in the old chicken coop. They were wearing their coats and laying on the piece of carpet that used to be in our living room. I woke them up and had them go back to their beds. I kissed them and explained that I want them to be safe and clean.
Boys love life.
I Handle It with God
In conclusion, to handle five boys I have to adapt life to our circumstances without worrying what others think, set up boundaries (aka discipline a lot), focus on the abundance of good, and take time to regulate my emotions so I can handle the bad calmly.
This morning I felt overwhelmed with the mess in the house (clothes and towels on the floor, dishes and food all over the kitchen, toys and trash here and there. ) When Jacob, Michael, and Jeff woke up they went straight outside to their “school” in the old chicken coupe before I was even out of my room. So, I was concerned about them not doing their chores and homework again this morning. Keith had just left to school on his bike and I sat down on the couch and did nothing for a while. I let myself be still and feel overwhelmed instead of pushing myself to get to work. Daniel woke up and sat by me in his pajamas. We just sat quietly cuddling. A thought came into my head that motivated me: “I want to write a blog post today.” I think it was just enough stillness and just enough purpose to help me suddenly feel like getting up and going to work. It didn’t feel forced or like a burden.
Daniel got dressed and I helped him comb his hair. He picked up his pajamas and put them in the laundry and made his bed the way a five-year-old can. Then I had him write individual phoneme sounds on a peice of lined paper and consonant blends as I spoke them. He wrote two words from the consonant blends. This is great practice for children with dyslexia. He is so blessed to be the last of five dyslexic children because I know so much better how to teach him.
Well, Jacob, Michael, and Jeff decided to get dressed for school and eat breakfast. Two minutes before it was time to go Jacob told me he wanted to do his homework. I let him try to look it up on GoogleClassroom and then told him it was time to go. I drove them to school today because we needed extra time to eat breakfast at home. I think the food they are fed in the cafeteria is contributing to their learning disabilities and eczema. I am very disturbed when I see the prepackaged, high-sugar, high-dairy food that they are feeding the kids in our entire school district. But, there isn’t a much better option. It is not realistic to feed 57,000 children organic, home-made food.
As we were getting in the car they all wrote “I love you” in the dew on the windows. When I dropped them off Michael came back and gave me a long hug. These boys have so much love for me. If I don’t nag them about the things they are doing that dissapoint me they are free to show me all that love and I am free to share it with them too. There’s always tomorrow or this afternoon for homework and chores. I am sure I will find something to motivate them.
I remember my anger therapist asking me, “What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?” The first thing I would think of was what I needed to make my 8, 6, 5, and 3 year old do that day. Chores, education, etc. I was automatically filled with tension as soon as I woke up. Me against the kids.
It was all motivated out of love, mostly. I wanted to help them learn and grow. I wanted to help them develop the skills and talents they needed to be successful in life, serve the Lord, and provide for their families in the future. But, part of me also felt that my success as a mom depended on their actions. Many people may think this is true. If your children grow up to be contributing members of society you are a good parent, right? I agree, but I see more to it
Some things are out of our control. We can control our actions, thoughts, desires, beliefs, and attitudes. But, we can only influence other people’s choices. Ultimately, they have the final say in what they will choose to do, think, and want.
I felt a lot of frustration as a parent when I would try to make my children do their homework, pick up after themselves, be kind to each other, or do some household chores. I felt a lot of frustration as a spouse when I would try to make my husband do the dishes, vacuum, clean out the shed, watch less YouTube, or any other number of things. When I stopped focusing all day long on what I wanted others to do and switched the focus to my responsibilities and choices —all the tension was gone and people actually started to do what I wanted more!
I reviewed my responsibilities throughout the day whenever I started to feel tense: I need to make the meals, I supervise the chores and lovingly withhold privileges and give rewards when they are done. As for my husband, it was my responsibility to love him and treat him kindly. I remembered that he was doing his main responsibilities of providing for our family at work all day, being the spiritual leader of our home, and protecting us. If I felt like he wasn’t doing his responsibilities in some way I would calmly and politely bring my concern to him. That is a subject for another blog on resolving conflict. 🙂
To conclude, I let go of trying to control others and often repeated the Serenity Prayer when I started to feel tension:
God grant me the Serenity
To accept the things I cannot change,
Courage to change the things I can,
And the Wisdom to know the difference.
Living one day at a time,
Enjoying one moment at a time.
Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace,
Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is,
Not as I would like it.
Trusting that He will make all things right,
If I surrender to His will.
That I may be reasonably happy in this world
And supremely happy in the next.
