Posted on

Codependency and Joy In My Posterity

The Struggle to Find Joy and Rejoicing in My Posterity

My Dream Family

All my life I looked forward to being a wife and mother.  It was a joyful day when my husband and I had our first child. Finally! I was a mom!  I loved it, but I also began to experience frequent stress and anger and some depression.  To me, family life involved so much work and opposition.  I had many happy moments with my family, but I wondered if this is what I had always dreamed of? It didn’t really seem like “joy and rejoicing” to me.

Seeking Help

As more children came, my negative and positive emotions increased. I sometimes lost my temper multiple times a day and soon felt like I needed emotional help. I read parenting books, went to parenting classes, attended the temple, prayed and fasted.  Eventually I went to my Bishop and requested counseling from LDS Social Services.  By that time, I had five lively sons from ages nine to one years old.

Anger Drill

My therapist taught me to do what he called an “anger drill”.  When I began to feel stress I would go to my room and do something physical to release the stress, like sit-ups. As I moved my body I would talk out loud about what was making me stressed.  This skill helped me improve dramatically.  It started to re-train my brain to handle stress and conflict more rationally. The Lord also prompted me to eat less sugar, which I found gave me much more self-control.  But there was more in store to answer my prayers for peace and joy in my home.

A Divine Intervention

During this time my mother and father-in-law were missionaries for the Addiction Recovery Program.  Prompted by the Spirit, my mother-in-law talked to me about some literature regarding codependency.  She told me a little about the concept and I decided to read it.  As I did, I identified with what I read.  It became clear to me that much of my unhappiness was because of codependent behaviors and that anger and depression were just symptoms of a larger problem.  The Lord was answering my prayers and showing me a road to greater happiness.  I started to study codependency more.

What is Codependency

The term codependency was originally coined “to describe the person or persons whose lives were affected as a result of their being involved with someone who was chemically dependent… a pattern of coping with life that was not healthy as a reaction to someone else’s drug or alcohol abuse.”[1]  The patterns were “emotional, psychological, and behavioral.” [2]  As professionals continued to study the condition, they found it among many more groups of people such as caretakers, families of PTSD, families of behavioral addictions, and more. It was even said that “codependency is everything and everyone is codependent.”[3] Addictions in families amplify the “emotional, psychological, and behavioral” trends that exist to some degree in many families. An LDS expert explained codependency as “man’s own way of coping or surviving in this fallen world.”[4]

A New Definition of Codependency

As I have learned about it, I best understand codependency as our own set of weaknesses, conditioned negative tendencies, and issues that separate us from God. These things may result from our pre-dispositions we brought with us to earth combined with the conditioning from our life’s circumstances and experiences (especially not being treated with the love and respect we all deserve as a human being).  In short, I see codependency as the natural man.  “For the natural man is an enemy to God, and has been from the fall of Adam, and will be, forever and ever, unless he yields to the enticings of the Holy Spirit, and putteth off the natural man and becometh a saint through the atonement of Christ the Lord, and becometh as a child, submissive, meek, humble, patient, full of love, willing to submit to all things which the Lord seeth fit to inflict upon him, even as a child doth submit to his father” (Mosiah 3:15).

As “light cleaveth unto light” (D&C 88:40), codependents (or natural men) attract spouses with a similar level of severity.

Causes and Symptoms of Codepency

There is a large variety of causes of codependency.  The symptoms can also be the causes when they are prevalent in one’s family. Some common symptoms are:

  • Not living by the Spirit or being out of touch with the Spirit
  • Sinning (I view this as self-inflicted abuse)
  • Letting another person’s behavior affect you and being obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior[5]
  • Happiness depending on what others do or do not do or one’s circumstances[6]
  • Self-seeking[7]
  • Conditional love
  • Criticism of self or others
  • Identity or worth defined by a relationship, a role you play, outward appearances, actions, or possessions
  • Demanding too much of self and others
  • Unhealthy communication
  • Anxiety, Depression, Anger
  • Addictions
  • Obsessive, compulsive
  • Perfectionism
  • Intimacy issues
  • Being overly analytical
  • Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
  • Abusing or being abused
  • Workaholism or laziness
  • Doing for others what they should do for themselves or Irresponsibility
  • Being too passive or too defensive
  • Being too emotional or unemotional

Codependency is passed down through the generations unless the “emotional, psychological, and behavioral” trends are changed through the atonement of Christ.

Healing Through Christ

My eyes were opened seemingly all at once to a looming set of sins and weaknesses.  I identified with most of the symptoms on the list above.  Soon, I became aware that my husband and I had poor communication and I was venting stress from our relationship onto our children.  Also, I realized that pride and fear pervaded a great deal of my choices and thoughts. I based my worth on what I accomplished or acquired. My happiness depended on my children and husband doing what I wanted and their accomplishments. I was manipulative, emotional, irresponsible, selfish, and demanded too much of myself and others.  I also saw that in order to feel good I tended to turn to things or behaviors, even religious acts, instead to the Lord Himself. All of a sudden my false pride was crushed.

This was very painful at first, but the Lord said, “…repent, and come unto me with full purpose of heart, and I shall heal [you]…” (3 Nephi 18:32). Codependency, is an addictive behavior[8] and I began to attend Addiction Recovery Meetings and do the 12-step workbook that goes with the program. This is a program of anonymity, but I choose to openly testify of its effectiveness.  The program helped me to “focus on the basic doctrines, principles, and applications of the gospel.”[9] As I worked the program and the Lord worked in my life in other ways, I experienced a dramatic shift, “a change of mind…a fresh view about God, [myself], and about the world.”[10]  I felt set free!

Joy and Rejoicing

Before, I wanted to love and have a happy family, but I didn’t fully know how.  “For we know in part… ” (1 Corinthians 13:9). As my natural man is brought into submission to God’s will, I am becoming who I really am.  I am a child of God, a Christ-like being, the embodiment of love, “for God is love” (1 John 4:16).  As I am less controlling and more charitable with my children and husband, they are free to be themselves and their Christ-like personalities bring me great joy.  We are not perfect, but I am more understanding and forgiving of our pride and weaknesses.  Now, I can truly say I have joy and rejoicing in my posterity.

[1] Robert Subby and John Friel, “Co-Dependency: A Paradoxical Dependency,” Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, 31 (Hollywood, FL: Health Communication, 1984); as cited in Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (Hazelden Foundation, 1986,1992), 31.

 

[2]Robert Subby, “Inside the Chemically Dependent Marriage: Denial and Manipulation,” Co-Dependency, An Emerging Issue, 26; as cited in Codependent No More, 30.

 

[3] As quoted by Melody Beattie in Codependent No More, 31.

[4] Douglas Dobberfuhl, Healing the Codependent Heart (Currawong Press, 2013), 37.

 

[5] Melody Beattie, Codependent No More (1992), 34.

 

[6] Healing Through Christ Institute,LLC, Healing Through Christ (2007-2013), 142.

 

[7] The remainder of the symptoms listed were taken from various pages throughout Healing the Codependent Heart, unless otherwise indicated.

 

[8] LDS Family Services, Addiction Recovery Program (2005), v.

 

[9] Uchtdorf, “It Works Wonderfully,” Ensign, Nov. 2015, 22.

 

[10] LDS Bible Dictionary, Repentance, 760.

Posted on

Feel Like a Good Mom, No Guilt

Jesus Christ kneeling down and touching the face of a sick woman sitting against a tree with a baby in her arms. He can heal our spirits and take away our guilt.

“I-must-be-a-bad-Mom” Guilt

When children and times are challenging we may worry if we’re a “bad mom”.  I used to have a lot of shame for not measuring up to what I thought a “good mom” and family should be.   My whole definition of a “good mom” has changed. This is what I do to be and feel like a good mom and be free from “Mommy Guilt” and shame.

Rely On Jesus Christ

I do a lot of things wrong, I am a very weak, and I have a lot to learn.  A lot of the problems my family has to endure are because of my lack of knowledge and skills.  This naturally made me feel like I wasn’t a good mom and carry guilt. But, now I believe God has given me everything I need to succeed right now.  He knows my family and what we have to deal with.  It is all part of His plan.

Because of Christ’s atonement, all of the bad can work together for our good and for His purposes.  I remember that He makes up the difference for where I fail.  Thanks to Him I can receive forgiveness for my sins and receive power far beyond my own.  God also does many miracles and works in my life (far beyond anything my own efforts could do) to help my good desires become a reality.  He helps me feel like a “Good Mom” and takes my guilt from me.

Continually Repent

I do mess up as a parent everyday.  I am selfish and prideful (not fully, of course).  Too often I put my will above God’s, judge my children, or think negatively about them.  These things naturally (and for good reason) bring guilt. But I have that guilt lifted right away by Jesus Christ if I repent immediately. Then I feel like (and am) a “good Mom” without guilt.  Not because of my talents and capacities, but because I am pure through Christ.

To repent, I say sorry, rededicate myself to God, and try to be a little better than before.  I can feel clean and pure and good before God everytime I commit to change.

But, I need to have a realistic expectations for change.  I used to have the idea that if I yelled or hit my kids and I repented that meant I needed to never do those things again.  I was basically expecting myself to become a perfect mother from then on and never mess up.  So, I felt a lot of guilt and like a bad mom because I didn’t think I was really repenting.  God showed me that I need to say sorry every time and then ask for help to do it less as oppossed to never.  I began to see improvement and grace instead of failure.

Seek God’s Will Daily

God’s will includes the commandments and teachings in the scriptures that are given to the human race as a whole.  In addition, He has things He wants me to do as an individual.  When I pray to know what to do each day and for particular individuals, I receive ideas in my mind or feelings in my heart. The Lord shows me His will for me.  Doing this is daily (and even hourly) is living by revelation and makes me become a partner with God in His work.

This way guilt is replaced with a deep sense of approval from God, knowing God is pleased with me and my efforts that day regardless of all my other problems.  He never asks me to do anything that is too much for me because He knows me perfectly.  When I have prayed to know what he wants me to do I have received answers such as: eat less sugar, strengthen your abdominals, practice awareness, read the scriptures longer, let Jacob color, be kind to Keith, make your husband dinner.

Keep Learning

As long as I am doing my best I am ok.  But, what was my best yesterday may not be my best today. God expects me to keep learning from my mistakes, from study, and from Him through personal revelation.

A New Definition For a “Good Mom”

I used to think a “good mom” did a certain list of do’s and don’ts (clean house, make meals, don’t yell, discipline your children).  All of these things are important and will naturally, eventually, be part of my new definition for “good mom.” But, you can be a good mom and yell or not be the best at house work.  A “good mom” tries her hardest to follow God’s gentle will and change with the help of the Savior every day.  This is something only an individual can judge. I am the only that knows how hard I am trying.

Doing all these things I mentioned is parenting with faith and helps me have confidence instead of guilt or shame.  Now I have greater authority as a mother despite my sins and mistakes.

For more information about my change from shame and guilt-laden parentng to free and happy parenting see About Me.

Posted on

Waking Up

I remember my anger therapist asking me, “What is the first thing you think of when you wake up?” The first thing I would think of was what I needed to make my 8, 6, 5, and 3 year old do that day. Chores, education, etc. I was automatically filled with tension as soon as I woke up.  Me against the kids.

It was all motivated out of love, mostly.  I wanted to help them learn and grow.  I wanted to help them develop the skills and talents they needed to be successful in life, serve the Lord, and provide for their families in the future.  But, part of me also felt that my success as a mom depended on their actions.  Many people may think this is true.  If your children grow up to be contributing members of society you are a good parent, right?  I agree, but I see more to it

Some things are out of our control.  We can control our actions, thoughts, desires, beliefs, and attitudes.  But, we can only influence other people’s choices.  Ultimately, they have the final say in what they will choose to do, think, and want.

I felt a lot of frustration as a parent  when I would try to make my children do their homework, pick up after themselves, be kind to each other, or do some household chores.  I felt a lot of frustration as a spouse when I would try to make my husband do the dishes, vacuum, clean out the shed, watch less YouTube, or any other number of things.  When I stopped focusing all day long on what I wanted others to do and switched the focus to my responsibilities and choices —all the tension was gone and people actually started to do what I wanted more!

I reviewed my responsibilities throughout the day whenever I started to feel tense: I need to make the meals, I supervise the chores and lovingly withhold privileges and give rewards when they are done.  As for my husband, it was my responsibility to love him and treat him kindly.  I remembered that he was doing his main responsibilities of providing for our family at work all day, being the spiritual leader of our home, and protecting us.  If I felt like he wasn’t doing his responsibilities in some way I would calmly and politely bring my concern to him.  That is a subject for another blog on resolving conflict. 🙂

To conclude, I let go of trying to control others and often repeated the Serenity Prayer when I started to feel tension:

God grant me the Serenity To accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, And the Wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time, Enjoying one moment at a time. Accepting hardship as a pathway to peace, Taking, as He did, this sinful world as it is, Not as I would like it.

Trusting that He will make all things right, If I surrender to His will. That I may be reasonably happy in this world And supremely happy in the next.