Starting a Family

I married my husband in 2004.  My husband and I loved eachother and shared a strong religous faith.  We came into the marriage with little money and some personal baggage, but we believed in our dream for a large happy family. 

Our first son, Keith, was born in 2006.  Jacob, Michael, and Jefferson were born in 2008, 2009, and 2011.  We felt very blessed, yet struggled financially and emotionally.  Too much conflict in our relationship and with our children strained what would’ve been happiness.  I also felt overworked with my responsibilites as a wife, mother, and church member.

Children with Disabilities

One of my big struggles at the time was the shame and worry I felt about my children’s underacheivement and misbehavior. They were all on the dyslexic spectrum and I had them in a dual imersion Spanish school.  Unbeknownst to me at the time, dyslexia makes learning a second language very difficult. They were constantly struggling in school. Also unbeknownst to me, dyslexia “often occurs in combination with other handicapping conditions (e.g., dysgraphia, dyscalculia, oral language impairment, and attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder [ADHD]). (California Dyslexia Guidelines)

The Plummet

In 2013 after my fifth son, Daniel, was born my body changed.  My breasts and belly deflated and sagged.  I didn’t like what my kids or my husband were doing, my “poor” circumstances, or my body.  My ego was crushed because I felt like I wasn’t “sexy”, rich, or accomplished in any way society cares about and neither were my kids and husband.  I had a lot of guilt and shame because I had a terrible temper and wasn’t measuring up to what I thought a mom and family should be. I spiraled down into a mid-life crisis that drug me through three years excrutiating soul-searching and change.  Who was I?  Why did I not find joy in the thing I had looked forward to my whole life (my family)?  Why was I angry and stressed so often?

Awakening

Because of my limited funds, our disabilities, and my morals I didn’t turn to success/accomplishments, shopping, eating, drugs, sex, or recreation to deal with the crisis.  Instead, I began studying self-help books, attending 12-step support groups and increasing my personal worship.  Slowly, I received guidance and knowledge that freed me and helped me have a constant peace, a deeper connection with my spouse, children, God, and every creation.  My children’s behavior even began to improve. The crisis was painful but left me with more peace and light on the other side. I experienced what Wayne Dyer called “a shift”.  Now I parent and live life from that peaceful state most people reach in “the twilight” of their lives. Thanks to all the struggles and the Lord, I have come to see the many blessings in my life that were always there, God’s hand, and what my identity is truly based in— Christ. As I become Christ-like I become my true self.  My happiness comes from God and doing His will, being one with Him and all creation.