When I was young, my siblings and I would sometimes say to each other, “I love you, but I don’t like you.” I have heard of other people saying it since then. Is this a common phrase? (Please comment below if you have heard it.) As a child, it hurt to hear it because I felt partially loved and partially rejected. We were just immature kids back then, but in recent years I have pondered the phrase and want to share some thoughts on the subject.
“I love you, but I don’t like you” is Partial Love
When someone says, “I love you, but I don’t like you,” they usually feel deep concern for the person, but not affection. In place of affection they feel disdain or uneasiness around them. Affection is “a gentle feeling of fondness or liking,” which is part of truly loving them because “love is a feeling of deep devotion, concern, and affection.” So, if we say “I like you, but don’t love you” we actually only love the person in part.
In the Romantic Languages (Spanish, Italian, French, etc) the word “like” is not used the same way it is in English. The phrase “it pleases me” is used instead with objects and the word for love and like is the same, for example “querer” in Spanish.
“I love you, but I don’t feel safe with you.”
I have come to believe that the primary reason people feel they don’t like someone is because they actually feel unsafe with that person emotionally, physically, or spiritually. That person crosses their boundaries by being intrusive, rude, telling them what to do, disrespecting them, or any number of things.
What could be more accurate is, “I love you, I like the good in you, but I don’t always feel safe with you.” Of course, one probably wouldn’t want to actually tell someone that information, but it helps to clarify it in our own minds. If we know safety is the issue, we can set up boundaries that help us enjoy each other’s company or love and like the person from a distance. (If some of my friends and loved ones reading this haven’t heard from me in a while, please don’t assume I don’t feel safe with you. It is probably just because I have been busy. 🙂
“I love you, but I need to learn to love you more.”
If safety is not the issue then we are robably judging others or creating enmity between us and them. This would be disliking that person because we think they are stupid, annoying, different from us, etc. Jesus said, “whosoever shall say, Thou fool, shall be in danger of hell fire.” (Matt 5:22). For this kind of partial love we need to repent and learn how to love more unconditionally (a lifelong, daily process). In my post “We All Are “An Awesome Person” I explore the likability of almost all people (the exception being the worst criminals on earth).
If I don’t like someone just because they are different from me then I haven’t mattured to the point that I can appreciate the different contributions and roles of others. If they annoy me that is either due to my pride or to not feeling emotionally safe. For example, sometimes I’m annoyed when my sons are loud because that crosses my sound boundary. It is a safety thing. I need to address the issue with them politely and without indignation. On the other hand, when they are goofy it is usually funny, but if it starts to annoy me I think to myself, “Let them be themselves. Just treat them politely. Smile.” “Charity suffereth long, and is kind… is not easily provoked.” (1 Cor. 13:14-15)
Unconditional Love
Love is on a spectrum of degrees; it’s not black and white, all or nothing. Full, unconditional love accepts the good and bad in a person, focuses on the good, and is patient with the bad. Unconditional love appreciates and respects the differences in others. Remember, it takes all kinds of people to do the Lord’s work. Treating people with the same courtesy even when they are doing something we don’t like (like not obeying us or bothering us) is unconditional love.
Love Comes Through Christ.
“…love is of God; and every one that loveth is born of God, and knoweth God.” (1 John 4:7) As we come to Christ through humility we are filled with His love. Humility is the opposite of pride. Ezra T. Benson said, “The central feature of pride is enmity—enmity toward God and enmity toward our fellowmen. Enmity means ‘hatred toward, hostility to, or a state of opposition.’ It is the power by which Satan wishes to reign over us.”
If enmity is at the heart of pride, then unity is at the heart of humility. (See my post How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children.) As we mature in Christ we can love more. Love is mature and hate is immature. Learn of Him, keep His commandments, acknowledge His hand in all things, and seek His will constantly. He will teach us how to love unconditionally little by little. Then we can say, “I love you and I like you.”
“Healing of the Blind Man” (1871); Carl Bloch. Bible references: Mark 10:46-52, Luke 18:35-42.
Like and Love Everyone
God commanded us to love all men. Here are verses from three different books of scripture, each written to different groups of people with the same commandment.
“Be not partial towards [your brethren] in love above many others, but let thy love be for them as for thyself; and let thy love abound unto all men, and unto all who love my name.” (D&C 112:11)
“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31:20)
“And the Lord make you to increase and abound in love one toward another, and toward all men, even as we do toward you:” (1 Thessalonians 3:12)
Say “I love you”
If we are all to love each other why is it not more common in our society to say, ‘I love you’? The word love is under used in our society and far more common than we think. Anytime we care for, like, or are concerned for the well-being of someone— we love them. When we say we like someone we are actually saying we love them.
Maybe saying “I love you” is associated with softness and tenderness and therefore seems like a weakness? But, people who love have more resilience and inner strength to handle the challenges of life. Is it because we equate it with romantic love? God commanded us to love all men. Is it because we feel like there is some commitment involved once we say it? We are not responsible for one another’s problems. Do we think we need to love them fully or to a large extent before we will say it? Love is not all or nothing. We love at many levels as we move towards unconditional love.
Is it because we don’t want to throw the phrase around cheaply or insincerely? Love doesn’t work according to the principles of supply and demand in which the more abundant a product, the cheaper it’s price. Instead, the more abundant love is the deeper and richer it becomes. It’s more like a muscle that gets bigger the more we work it. How do we change the stigma associated with saying “I love you?” By our own example— if we say it more, others will too.
Conclusion
“I like you, but I don’t love you” is basically saying “I need to learn to love you more and/or to be safe with you.” We can learn to love each other and be safe with one another as we come to Christ. The more we love, the more joy we will feel in life.
Please share your thoughts below.