I get this question all the time. First, I need to clarify what people mean by “How do you handle five boys?” They might be saying, “How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?” or “How do you stay sane and not lose it on your kids?” There are several answers to both questions
How do you function as a regular person and do all those boys require?
I don’t. Many of the things I do are quite different from most people because I have had to adapt how we do homework, how we read as a family, how we discipline, how we find entertainment, and basically everything to our specific circumstances. We don’t “measure up” to our society’s standards in academics, athletics, behavior, faith, finances, or courtesy. So, if you want to meet certain criteria for your children, I might not recommend having a lot of boys close together unless you know you are very capable.
I may not be fully capable of handling what I’ve been given. But, when it comes to choosing how many children to have and when, I have learned that when we council with the Lord and put our lives in God’s hands He will make sure the number of kids and the timing will make us the happiest in the long run. My road has been very difficult and I am lacking in so many ways for my children. (See my post on “Mom Guilt”). They aren’t as talented or as disciplined as they would be if I had fewer children and farther apart. But, it’s all in God’s hands and He will make it all work out. Even though it has been incredibly hard to raise them, those five boys are the best thing I have ever done and I am so glad I had them.
Boys are a blessing.
How Do You Stay Sane?
Well, there was a time when I wasn’t. I functioned from an unhealthy state of mind for most of my life and finally, the boys broke me. I had to become a different person and I praise the Lord for it. The old me was usually negative, stressed, and unhappy under the chaotic and loud circumstances of raising five boys. Through God’s grace I learned (and am still learning) to set up healthy boundaries, change my thought patterns, and be serene.
Boys are messy.
Boundaries
Boys need a lot of discipline. I learned about the idea positive parenting from my father, Tom Dozier, who is a behavioral scientist. His website Guarenteed Parent Training. Love and Logic helped me alot too because boys need consequences. They teach to give consequences lovingly and with empathy. It helps a parent stay calm so the child knows their misbehavior is their problem and not yours.
Another resource that revolutionized my life and my parenting was the Boundaries books by Dr. Henry Cloud and Dr. John Townsend. I used to discipline out of fear (yelling and inflicting pain) because I didn’t realize how much control I had as a parent. Also, I often felt like a victim and that my sweet children were my aggressors. All that changed with Boundaries. I read Boundaries, Boundaries with Kids, and Boundaries in Marriage.
Focus on the good because there’s a lot of good and a lot of bad. I decided to stop myself from thinking about or talking to others about the bad things my kids were doing. It was a form of look-how-I-am-a-martyr comedy. Overtime, I turned every concern or complaint into a prayer. This turned the negative into hope. I started listing at least five things in my journal each night that I was grateful for. Soon, I would notice and think about the simple pleasures of motherhood and life more.
If I am focused on the messes, the noise, immature choices, cussing, or rudeness then I miss the boy’s zest for life, ideas for fun, and gestures of unconditional love. Boys are very loving. Sometimes my boys tell me, “You’re so beautiful. You’re so talented, smart, and funny.” But they only feel safe to do that when they see me smiling or at peace.
Boys are dirty. 🙂
Serenity
I must be in tune with my emotions. This came slowly and with practice overtime. I was out of touch with my feelings. For most of my life I thought it was normal to function when I was stressed out. Now, when I start to feel stressed, uneasy, angry, negative or critical I take the time to breathe, write, or do an anger drill. Sometimes I am not sure going into it what is causing me to feel negative and stressed. But taking the time to process my emotions helps me to recognize what the problem is (if any) and make a rational and inspired choice.
The first thing I do is go where I can be alone and take inventory of what is going on at the present moment. I list off everything good and bad. This shows me how much good there is. For example, one day I was realized, “Four of my children are doing what their supposed to, I have food to eat and clothes to wear, the birds are chirping, the trees and flowers are outside, dinner is cooking. I am just upset by one child’s obstinance.” Then I prayed and decided how to handle it. Another day I realized, “The children are being great. I am just stressed out because I am worried that dinner will not taste good, no one will eat, and it will be late.”
At times things surface that are of deep concern. Maybe I become aware of a problem at school or a certain behavior problem that I didn’t seem to notice before. At these times I turn to the Lord in faith, give Him control, and pray for help, guidance, Grace, and answers. He always gives me His grace. I also council with my husband and let him know the things that are worrying me and what I’m doing and praying for. The Lord gives my husband and I revelation as we council together. Many times when I ask God for answers He tells me to talk to my husband about the concern. Then, we come up with the answer together.
Boys are loving.
The Joy of Boys
I will end with a snippet of our life. Look for the negative and positive alternating pattern. Yesterday morning some of my children were cussing, being rude, and refusing to do chores. I kept my cool and withheld their privileges lovingly. (Enforcing boundaries like this is more complicated than it sounds). Eventually, everyone did their chores. We did the grocery shopping, watched some TV, had a fire in the fire pit.
The highlight of my day was when the boys asked me to play with them. They gave me the best gun and we ran around and shot at our oppossing teammates. Thirty minutes later they were terribly rude at dinner and I sent them to bed early. Around their regular bedtime I told them a story about a lady who had tiny gold nuggets come out of her ears when she sneezed. (They like me to “tell them a story with my mouth”). I read a few scripture verses to them and some Church literature. We talked, hugged and prayed. It was beautiful.
Two hours later I went in their room for something and discovered three of them missing. I knew where they were because of a comment I had heard in the morning. They had climbed out the window and were sleeping in the frigid fall night in the old chicken coop. They were wearing their coats and laying on the piece of carpet that used to be in our living room. I woke them up and had them go back to their beds. I kissed them and explained that I want them to be safe and clean.
Boys love life.
I Handle It with God
In conclusion, to handle five boys I have to adapt life to our circumstances without worrying what others think, set up boundaries (aka discipline a lot), focus on the abundance of good, and take time to regulate my emotions so I can handle the bad calmly.
