Posted on by Amy

Tips for a Great Sex Life

WARNING: This is mature content and is not intended for young readers. It is directed to married couples. NOTE: I am not a licensed therapist.

I have been married almost 15 years and I have five young children.  My husband and I have had our ups and downs in our sex life. It has been a topic of much concern for my husband and me.  I have found that unity between a husband and wife brings the most joy possible in this life and a great sex life is a vital component to achieving that unity. (See How to have Unity With Your Spouse and Children) Here are some things that have helped us have a great sex life.

  1. Be Married
  2. Be Emotionally Intimate
  3. Take care Your Physical Health
  4. Address Your Sexual Psychology
  5. Give and Take
  6. Be Into It
  7. Communicate
  8. Keep Learning

Be Married

Marriage doesn’t guarantee a great sex life but the majority of married couples have more frequent and more satisfying sex than unwed couples. Patience through the low times of marriage usually pays off later. Experience builds over time as well as emotional connection, trust, and commitment.

The following 2010 study findings from the Center for Sexual Health Promotion at Indiana University were listed in Want More And Better Sex? Get Married And Stay Married. on The Huffington Post “…less than 5% of singles between the ages of 25 and 59 have sex 2-3 times a  week, while 25% of married folks are beating the single record 5 times over. A whopping 61% of singles reported that they hadn’t had sex within the past year, compared with 18% of married people.”

Sex in marriage helps spouses strengthen their love and can make small grievances disappear.

Be Emotionally Intimate

Boundaries- Boundaries are essential to this as I mentioned in my last post “How to Have Unity With Your Spouse and Children”.  There was a time after my fifth son was born that I was struggling to enjoy sex with my husband.  I tried reading books about positions and techniques but came to find that what was lacking was emotional intimacy with my husband. Once we were more united emotionally, through boundaries, we had a great sex life.

Time and Communication- Spending time together builds emotional intimacy.  Dates are great, but sometimes overrated compared to daily communication. I find that when I take time to talk to my husband and listen to him daily we are much closer.  Some of the best memories I have with my husband are talking in our bed late at night or early in the morning when the kids are asleep and we are all to ourselves.

Take Care of Physical Health

You will have a great sex life when you are strong, feel good, and have more energy.

  • Exercise
  • Eat Well
  • Personal Hygiene- shower daily, look nice, brush your teeth, etc.
  • Get Enough Rest

Address Your Psychology Towards Sex

Do not view pornography-  This warps people’s views of sex and creates unrealistic expectations. There is a lot of evidence to back this up. (“Study Sees Link Between Porn and Sexual Dysfunction”) A simple internet search will bring up many articles on the subject. Here is one. “Expectations Vs. Reality: How Porn Messes With What Consumers Find Attractive.”

Get professional help if you have a history of sexual abuse or other serious problems- This has proved effective for many people. See “Childhood Sexual Abuse: Sexual Recovery Is Possible” in Psychology Today.

Explore Inhibitions

Guilt or shame associated with sex

Laura Brotherson calls this the “Good Girl Syndrome” and addresses it in depth in her book And They Were Not Ashamed. Basically, if you’ve been given the impression your whole life that sex is bad because of the law of chastity it is hard to flip the switch after marriage. Sex within marriage is good and sexuality is a big part of who we are as human beings. Physical intimacy is an important expression of love for married couples.

Fear of doing things that aren’t considered conservative

Likewise, if you believe in the law of chastity you may be afraid to go off the beaten path with your spouse as far as practices are concerned. Here are my thoughts on the subject from personal experience.  What is chastity? I believe chastity means not having any sexual relations before marriage. It also means complete fidelity to husband or wife during marriage and purity in one’s thoughts, words, and actions.

Although there are limits of dignity and propriety in all aspects of our lives, no specific practices are prohibited in marriage (vibrators, toys, positions, etc.) Everyone’s perceptions of what is proper and what is not will be different. Couples are free to live by the Spirit and make our own choices together about their physical relationship.

I hope people do not make rules for themselves that lead to suffering or unhappiness in their physical relationship; or rules that lead their physical relationship to diminish or become nonexsistent. That relationship can enrich our lives and our marital unity immensely. 

If the practice is helping you have a fulfilling, enjoyable, great sex life then it is actually helping you live the law of chastity and remain faithful to each other.

Give and Take

Make sure that both partners are getting what they want. It’s ok to be a little uncomfortable sometimes to help the other person be fulfilled. You may be uncomfortable physically when you are tired or in minordiscomfort. Also, try to be open to the things your spouse wants to do or try without feeling pressure to do anything you don’t want to.

Be careful saying no.  Instead of saying “no” you could say, “How about tonight? I would love to, but I don’t feel well.”  There are other things you can do if you are not in the mood to go all the way that can still satisfy your spouse.   

Compromise on Frequency.  It is rare for both partners to have the same sex drive. Choose something you can both agree on; not your way or your spouse’s.

Communicate

Talk to your spouse openly about sex before during and after. Tell your partner what feels good and what you want.  Your spouse needs to feel safe to tell you their fantasies, problems, issues … everything. Be sure to make your spouse feel comfortable sharing with you.  Council together to work out problems.

Be Into It

Do whatever you need to enjoy sex.

Women’s sex drive- A lot of times I have found that I wasn’t into it at first, but after we got started, I was.  This, I learned, is normal for woman. It doesn’t mean we have a low sex drive, but women need to get warmed up and switch gears.

Flirt- Daily flirting and teasing your spouse throughout the day will help build up sexual desire.

Focus- I find it helpful to put a lot of energy into focusing my thoughts during physical intimacy.  If my mind begins to wander, I stop it and redirect my thoughts. I concentrate on every physical sensation in my body at the moment. In the past I would also focus on good memories with my husband and all the things I love about him.

Keep Learning

Try new things- this increases variety.  Explore different toys and techniques together.

Share everything you research with your spouse.  Don’t keep any secrets.

Learn to orgasm if you don’t know how.

This article is not meant to be comprehensive in every aspect.  I encourage you to do further research into things that would be helpful for you to have a great sex life. Here are some things that have been helpful to me.

Psychology, practices, principles and some technique for religious readers:

I think it is important to not read, listen to, or watch things that describe the human body or sex in a disrespectful way. The following sources may do that at times but I have gleaned information from them as needed. This is mature content for adults only.

Techniques and other information:

Please leave more helpful resources in the comments as well as any concerns, questions or additional ideas on how to have a great sex life. You can leave anonymous comments.

23 Replies to “Tips for a Great Sex Life”

  2. Thank you for posting such a brave and honest article about a tough subject! My love life has been not up to par lately with my husband and I have felt guilty, going to try some of the things you talked about!

    Reply

    1. Thank you for your comment. There will be highs and lows throughout marriage. Just be patient through the lows and it will get better. Best of luck.- Amy

      Reply

  3. I don’t know about you, but in the MTC, I was taught to explicitly and specifically tell those I taught that masturbation was against the law of chastity.
    A good quote from the April 1975 General Conference talk, A Self-Inflicted Purging (old, yes, but ABSOLUTELY still relevant). “President J. Reuben Clark gave me great light many years ago on a great tremendous subject. He said (and these are my words, not his) that the sex urge does not have to be satisfied, that Satan’s old lie is that it does have to be satisfied.”

    Reply

    1. Hi, thanks so much for sharing. I have learned that the current missionary lesson on the Law of Chastity teaches “Determine now that you will not do anything outside of marriage to arouse the powerful emotions that must be expressed only in marriage. Do not arouse those emotions in another person or in yourself.” I fully agree. I am glad you shared your thoughts with me. It has given me another perspective and allowed me to clarify some things. Thank you again.

      Reply

      1. I had forgotten about this resource until a moment ago… I recommend you read chapter 5 of the Parent’s Guide published by the church. (It can be found in the Individuals and Families section of Gospel Library.) Chapter 5 specifically talks about masturbation and is very clear on the church’s stance.
        I appreciate your willingness to hear feedback and be open. I think that openness is what will help our church culture overcome negativity and awkwardness surrounding these sensitive topics. Personally I think the lack of open and honest discussion is often what leads to shame and confusion.

        Reply

  4. I truly appreciate your desire and effort to address the issues of sexual intimacy between married members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. It is a very difficult. Personal questions need to be healthily addressed between husbands and wives. I have found that it is very important to be open and honest between one another and to remember that we are spiritual beings living in a temporal world. Much of the information about world’s human sexuality has been distorted by evil influences of the natural man (Masters and Johnson studies in the sixties derived dated from U.S. prison populations in order to define “normal.” I am sure that you can see the problem with that. ) A book that I have found to be very helpful in laying a foundation for my marriage relationship is written by Victor L. Brown, Jr. (https://www.amazon.com/Human-Intimacy-Jr-Victor-Brown/dp/B0027E000M?SubscriptionId=AKIAJ2F6RDUSIYCWQMFQ&tag=sa-b2c-new-20&linkCode=xm2&camp=2025&creative=165953&creativeASIN=B0027E000M) . This book sets forth the truth that the importance of relationships is defined by our ability to discern reality from illusion. I agree with you that pornography is a plague that is destroying relationships because it is based upon illusion. I also have found that masturbation is exactly what I was told it was as a youth (and laughed at) – it is “self abuse.” Masturbation is a result of our own inability to accept ourselves and is similar to “cutting” or flagellation in that it is designed to send false signals to the brain in order to create an artificial or inappropriate feeling through the release of brain chemicals. It helps to create false expectations. This leads to shame and selfishness. Shame and selfishness are the main causes of unhappiness in relationships. The Atonement of Jesus Christ is designed to heal us from shame. It is therefore important to seek and invite those healing influences into our lives so that our relationships may have joy – including physical intimacy – in our marriage. My main objection to Sister Brotherson’s work – as well as similarly intended works – is that it relies too much on the physical laws of nature and not enough on the spiritual laws of God to nourish the relationship. I believe that the emphasis on our “Child of God” identity will bring us that joy that we desire and seek, while relying upon the things of the flesh will most often lead to pain, fear and shame. Thank you Heavenly Father for providing a Savior who heals us from the pain, fear and shame of mortal experience. May we look to God and live in joy, happiness and share in the intimacy of marriage that has been designed to create Eternal Lives, and is consistent with the covenants that will bind us to our Creator. I feel blessed that God has given me guidelines to better understand His loving plan and I hope that I can follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost as I continue to distinguish between truth (reality) and illusion (lies). Thank you for your help in this journey.

    Reply

    1. I am having a hard time finding the words to express my thanks to you for sharing your precious testimony. Thank you for your sincerity and for sharing so much. It adds much meaning and perspective to this topic.

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  5. Great topic, and I have to throw my two cents in the mix about Masterbation. When I was in the MTC (68’) it was taught that between two consenting married adults anything goes behind closed doors. I’m surprised about some of the comments I’ve read. If you are married and it feels right then it is. End of story

    Reply

    1. Troy, thank you for sharing your thoughts. I think there are limits of dignity and propriety and mutual respect. But, these will be interpreted differently by all couples. So, I wouldn’t say anything goes but I would say that each couple makes there own choices as to what they feel is right (pretty much what you said). I hope people do not make limits for themselves that lead to suffering or unhappiness in their physical relationship; or limits that make their physical relationship diminish or become nonexsistent. That relationship can enrich our lives and our marital unity immensely. Thanks again.

      Reply

  6. My wife made me read this article. Apparently I have some weight to lose before she agrees to get fresh with me again. If that’s what it takes so be it! New Years resolution 2019!

    Reply

    1. Bro.Anderson, I can tell you have a great sense of humor. 🙂 Thanks for sharing and lightening up the comments. (get it? hehe) Good luck to you and your wife. Merry Christmas and Happy New Year.

      Reply

  7. Hi Amy, I saw the changes you made and all ….all of your post was very appropriate. I do not agree with M. Mansfield’s response fully because the brain-body response in climax brings the release of Oxytocin (the attachment hormone) into play. This, in my opinion is exactly what the Lord had in mind and why our bodies are capable of climax. The key here is that ‘love making’ in marriage changes as we change in life. No matter what stage our marriage is in, when fidelity is communicated, it does not matter what, or how the intimate act is done. Chasity is a practiced principle of abstinence prior to marriage and becomes a powerful bond after marriage. Sex is the expression of that Christ like attribute and helps us become as He is. The act itself is determined by the choices of husband and wife; with our bodies, our spirits, our brains, our hormones in sync. I could go on. I love your bravery and I KNOW many will be helped by the post; they will remain silent but you must know that you have given excellent references and much to help anyone who has an open mind.

    Reply

    1. I am very grateful for you posting your thoughts. I think your comment that sex is marriage is chastity and helps us become more Christlike is very profound. You have a great testimony of this principle. Thanks for sharing.

      Reply

  8. Amy, we are very glad to read about your experiences. Up until now my wife and I had believed the ‘Missionary’ position was the only way married couple could experience intameticy. At times we wished we could explore different things but thought it was against church teachings. Glad we are not the only ones wondering!

    Reply

    1. Johnsons, Thank you for sharing. It is amazing how different each couple’s perceptions can be. We have much freedom in our intimate relationship as husband and wife within the limits of “Tenderness and respect—never selfishness—must be the guiding principles in the intimate relationship between husband and wife.” I’m really glad this could benefit you.

      Reply

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